A Different kind of Loss

by Judith in California

I feel the need to write of a different kind of loss. I have always avoided reading any letters by those of you who have lost a child, especially a son to suicide. I fear my son will one day do that. HE has talked about it in the past . It’s like if I don’t read it, it won’t happen. I pray he is stronger than that and will get his life together. I have had to detach from him due to the disrespect he has shown me. HE made it impossible for me to talk with him. He either didn’t like what I said or how I said it and he would veer off the point telling me “don’t make YOU statements “or become so argumentative that I had to just stop talking. Like oil and water my son and I. I had to get tough and realize I did my best and no matter what I did was ever going to be enough in his sociopathic, narcissistic mind. He called me the vilest names (B & C) , not just once but on 5 different occasions. I had to finally tell him in January "leave! because I will not tolerate the verbal abuse from you or anyone else ever again! You will not tell me what you will or won't do in my house ever gain. You will show me the respect I'm due for what I've done for you, sacrificed for you and gone through for you OR you can stay away from me Period". Love be damned! I told him I was done!. Done paying his phone minutes, done helping with food and gas money. Done buying him anything. He is a grown man of 48 and he will do for himself from that day forward. I told him to get help for his drinking problem or anything else he may be doing. We have not spoken since and he has dropped all e-mail and Skype accounts so I can not send him any "Hope you are okay" messages.

It hurts and saddens me deeply that my only child has become this way. On top of that, my husband of 35 years passed away 21 months ago and my son said "get over it Mom he's dead and I'm glad. This is when he became the most verbally abusive. He thought I was going to let him live with me since he is staying rent free in a friends home. I told him there is no way we could ever live together under the circumstances. I pray for him every night but I will not let him in my house again unless he can be respectful. I taught him right from wrong. I also showed him love.

I read a book "Letting Go of Our Adult Children" by Arleen Harder. It gave me insight and courage to do this.

I pray I will live to see my son change before I die....ever hopeful, but in reality, he may never see the awful disrespect he has shown to me. He didn't even acknowledge me on Mother's day. In the past he always waited until the end of the day to call me on any special day. He takes, takes, takes but never gives back. I saw him through Juvenile Hall when 12, picking him up from jail for traffic offense at 31 , and seeing him in jail for spousal abuse at 41 ( which broke my heart). Helping pay the bills for traffic tickets let go, court costs, and rent money needed, car payments and insurance needed. He blames me for all his problems though I told him I wasn't the one who made his bad choices. I get no respect for all of the all the worry and helping him when he needed so I will not help anymore.

His birthday is coming up next month and I will not send a card or money like I used to. That will be a first for me. Maybe he will see how it feels. Maybe it won't affect him at all. It's a battle. Once in a while I go back to thinking the old way and feel anxiety over his situation and want to help but then I remember those vile names he has called me more than once and then I become strong again. I even had the tumblers changed on my doors. Costs about 50.00 per door. It's worth the peace of mind. I don't fear him but I will not let him have the key to my door ever again. I am completely alone and will try to do things without having to call him unless I get so sick that I have to. I was hoping to count on him as I grow older and may need him to help me if I get sickly but I fear that scenario.

I love my son and cry for the loss and I pray for his safety every night. I am the disappointed parent of a selfish, abusive narcissistic man/child

Comments for A Different kind of Loss

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Aug 22, 2012
A grandchild I never met was taken from me today
by: Nancy

I have written on this site before about my daughter. While it seems that she has had an affair and became pregnant and because she did not know who the father of her unborn child was she decided that the best decision for her was to abort the baby. This year I have lost my sister, through suicide Oct 16, another sister, Jan 26, through medical malpractice, my sister in-law through suicide April 24, my aunt died of cancer on Aug 2, I have also lost a niece and a nephew this year to suicide...and now an grandchild August 20, 2012 through abortion. I really don't understand it all. My daughter lives four provinces away. I could not convince her to continue on with her pregnancy. She is not a God fearing person. As a young child I took her to church. I was a single mom all through her life. She had a beautiful voice and was often called upon to sing solos at every special church event. I try to remind myself that she has bipolar and even her husband suffers from mental illness, but my heartaches for that unborn child and the potential for what he or she could have meant to the entire world. I have know logical reason for why I cry so much today...I was not there with my daughter...I do not know why I am hurting so bad...I feel like I have been robbed of a life...that I didn't get to meet yet...I have not been able to make any sense of this at all.... All I want to do is cry...I can't eat ...I can't sleep...I can't even talk to my daughter right now...
sorry ...I can't even see the keys anymore...so I think I will go...

Jun 22, 2012
A Different kind of Loss
by: Doreen England U.K.

Dear Nancy
I am sorry you are having difficulty with your daughter reaching out to you and she is not talking to you. You did nothing wrong by trying to make sure your grandson was safe and if you ever (seen as interference) had to have your grandson taken into care for his safety then this is a good thing. Bi-polar disorder is probably the reason your daughter is withdrawn and silent and keeping you out of her life just now. I can't undo my mistakes and so I live with sadness and pain from not feeling valued by my children.
My eldest daughter Angela was the perfect daughter. She made parenting easy and a joy. For over 25yrs. I got the most PERFECT beautiful mother's day cards, Birthday cards. Xmas Cards. With the best words in that a Mother could wish for. Then she got married 7 years ago and everything changed. She became needy, moody, depressed wanting a child. Her personality changed. We had the perfect relationship~~ or so I thought. Enough for her to ask me for the use of my credit card. For me not a problem. My husband Steve was angry and so I told Angela I could not give her my card again. Angela then became unhappy with me and did not like some of my friends. I rescued a girl from depression because I worked in that field of work. Angela felt that she should come first before this girl. I couldn't understand. Angela was always first. She had the key to the house and was her home from home. Then we had an arguement. I broke away. Angela gave birth to a daughter and she would phone her father up and tell him about the new baby. Birthday came. No card or recognition for me. Xmas the same. Angela then came over with her new baby and called her Dad out to the car to sit inside and hold his new grandaughter. I was ignored as IF a stranger. I brought all 3 children up by myself, whilst Steve was working all over the world for 40 years. I had it hard. Tried to be a good mother and then treated as if I didn't exist. It hurt. I voiced my anger at Angela's husband asking Steve to get some shopping for him whilst Angela was having the baby and STeve was ill with cancer. No Respect here. Steve then died and my sister's phoned to tell Angela to come over. Sad Steve did not get to see his grandchildren for the 3 years he was ill. Steve died 6 weeks ago. I am all alone. If I could have walked out of my children's lives I would do so. I don't want to fight anymore. I don't want to be here for them. I nursed my husband for 3yrs.39days and I have done what I was here for. I feel like having strangers in my life now. Why? Because it hurts to much to have my children in my life. I need PEACE now and life is too complicated with all the unresolved conflicts. It is hard being mother and father. Often we just have to let our children go. WAIT. And let them come back in their own time. Even if it never happens. We have to find our own purpose in life. Best wishes

Jun 21, 2012
You are not alone
by: Nancy

I have a daughter who has suffers from bipolar and she married a man who suffers from schiozphrenia. When they choose to drink they become physically violent with each other and it is a terrible environment for for my 2 yr old grandson to be witness. My daughter has a terrible temper. When she does not get her way even when she is sober she throws things and hits people - especially her husband when he is sleeping. I live in another province and have told both of them that if I hear that they choose to drink rather than look after they son I would contact the Ministry of Child and Family Services to look after my grandson. My daughter said on no uncertain terms that if anyone took her child away from her she would commit suicide. They were drinking and the police were called and the child was apprehended last Friday. I did not know about it until Monday when the Social Worker called me and asked me to be part of a teleconference call - they wanted to know if there would be any family available to take my grandson. I was willing but because I live 4 provinces away - I may not be the best option. The paternal grandparents have some issues...they are divorced the grandfather - has some legal issues - with guns and drugs and the grandmother has no real connection with my grandson. I have only seen my grandson once when he was 9 months old. There is talk about an aunt but there is only talk....my concern was for my grandson but as long as he is in the Ministry's care I feel he is in the best place right now. My concern is for my daughter...is she really suicidal...can she convince her husband to take his life...I keep waking up...in a cold sweat at the possibility...they had to go to court today..oh I forgot to mention that my daughter has decided she is not talking to me since May 14/12 her birthday was on June 10 and I had no way of saying Happy Birthday to her. I was so distressed. But the hardest part is that she must be having such a hard time and she is not even reaching out to me.... a mother always wants to believe that when her child is in trouble that her child will come to her for help.. I under stand what you me when you say that you are suffering a different kind of loss because I am also suffering that loss. My son in law at least has his parents there but my daughter must feel that she is all alone... but I am here if only she would reach out and ask for help....I am here for her...I LOVE HER and get that you love your son...feel his loss NANCY

Jun 21, 2012
Doreen Reply
by: Judith

Thank you for your heartfelt reach out Doreen. It is much appreciated. I feel so all alone sometimes. AND it's hard to talk with friends who do nothing but brag on their kids and how gret they are. I wish I had the answer to "what has gone wrong with the our kids?" There's no guarantee that if a father were around they would have been different. Some fathers show disrespect to their wives and so the pattern is set in the children. My son was always respecful until he was arrested for spousal abuse at the age of 42. I know his drinking was an big factor in that.
I pray a lot and will pray for all Mothers who are living this as well.
Thanks again Doreen.

Jun 21, 2012
A Differnt kind of Loss
by: Doreen England U.K.

Hi Judith
I am sure I have replied to your post, but it was sent to me again and I can't believe it. It is as if I am reading it for the first time with a new perspective.
I feel as if you are describing my life story. Your story is the carbon copy of mine. I applaud you for everything you have done. I applaud you for your self respect by putting in place the things you had to do to protect yourself. I applaud you for being a WISE MOTHER. A brave woman who has not done anything wrong but LOVE YOUR SON TOO MUCH. As mothers we do the best we can. Our children are exposed to society and often influenced by others, or drugs etc. that can cause the type of problems your son is exhibiting. Your son fails to take responsibility for himself and for his mistakes by playing the blame game. We mothers are not responsible for our son's lack of maturity. It is only when our son's take responsibility for their mistakes. Then they mature. I hope our son's both realize their mistakes before we die. You have made the right decision to not take your son back into your home. DON'T GO BACK ON THIS. It will be a grave mistake. Your first priority is to yourself to keep yourself safe. We also have a duty to not put ourselves through unneccesary trouble by our kindness to our offspring. We have BOUNDARIES. Those BOUNDARIES have to be respected. Those BOURDARIES protect not only you but your son.
I crossed those boundaries by carrying my son's pain and caused myself a boundary injury. I am finding it hard to recover from this. Under no circumstances will I ever give my son the key to our home again. I will make sure his 2 sister's look our for him and do what is best if I am not around but they also have to protect themselves. We are not responsible if our son's take their own lives. We have to be clear about this. CHOICE is something we all have to make. Sometimes we will have to live with the CHOICES we make whether they are the right one's or not.
I hope it works out for both of us and all the other women out there who are going it alone, and may be facing the same issues we women would not be facing if there were a father or significant other male around for support. Best wishes.

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