A Different kind of Loss
by Judith in California
I feel the need to write of a different kind of loss. I have always avoided reading any letters by those of you who have lost a child, especially a son to suicide. I fear my son will one day do that. HE has talked about it in the past . It’s like if I don’t read it, it won’t happen. I pray he is stronger than that and will get his life together. I have had to detach from him due to the disrespect he has shown me. HE made it impossible for me to talk with him. He either didn’t like what I said or how I said it and he would veer off the point telling me “don’t make YOU statements “or become so argumentative that I had to just stop talking. Like oil and water my son and I. I had to get tough and realize I did my best and no matter what I did was ever going to be enough in his sociopathic, narcissistic mind. He called me the vilest names (B & C) , not just once but on 5 different occasions. I had to finally tell him in January "leave! because I will not tolerate the verbal abuse from you or anyone else ever again! You will not tell me what you will or won't do in my house ever gain. You will show me the respect I'm due for what I've done for you, sacrificed for you and gone through for you OR you can stay away from me Period". Love be damned! I told him I was done!. Done paying his phone minutes, done helping with food and gas money. Done buying him anything. He is a grown man of 48 and he will do for himself from that day forward. I told him to get help for his drinking problem or anything else he may be doing. We have not spoken since and he has dropped all e-mail and Skype accounts so I can not send him any "Hope you are okay" messages.
It hurts and saddens me deeply that my only child has become this way. On top of that, my husband of 35 years passed away 21 months ago and my son said "get over it Mom he's dead and I'm glad. This is when he became the most verbally abusive. He thought I was going to let him live with me since he is staying rent free in a friends home. I told him there is no way we could ever live together under the circumstances. I pray for him every night but I will not let him in my house again unless he can be respectful. I taught him right from wrong. I also showed him love.
I read a book "Letting Go of Our Adult Children" by Arleen Harder. It gave me insight and courage to do this.
I pray I will live to see my son change before I die....ever hopeful, but in reality, he may never see the awful disrespect he has shown to me. He didn't even acknowledge me on Mother's day. In the past he always waited until the end of the day to call me on any special day. He takes, takes, takes but never gives back. I saw him through Juvenile Hall when 12, picking him up from jail for traffic offense at 31 , and seeing him in jail for spousal abuse at 41 ( which broke my heart). Helping pay the bills for traffic tickets let go, court costs, and rent money needed, car payments and insurance needed. He blames me for all his problems though I told him I wasn't the one who made his bad choices. I get no respect for all of the all the worry and helping him when he needed so I will not help anymore.
His birthday is coming up next month and I will not send a card or money like I used to. That will be a first for me. Maybe he will see how it feels. Maybe it won't affect him at all. It's a battle. Once in a while I go back to thinking the old way and feel anxiety over his situation and want to help but then I remember those vile names he has called me more than once and then I become strong again. I even had the tumblers changed on my doors. Costs about 50.00 per door. It's worth the peace of mind. I don't fear him but I will not let him have the key to my door ever again. I am completely alone and will try to do things without having to call him unless I get so sick that I have to. I was hoping to count on him as I grow older and may need him to help me if I get sickly but I fear that scenario.
I love my son and cry for the loss and I pray for his safety every night. I am the disappointed parent of a selfish, abusive narcissistic man/child