a different love and loss

I have always had trust issues. Somehow I learned to live with them and adapt my relationships. That was till I met Him. I am happily married with a small child. One day I wandered about online and got chatting to someone in a forum discussing all sorts. He was much older then I. Not that it mattered. We did not share a romantic love, was more then that in some ways. He was my mentor, my guide, my confidant, the parent I never had and above all He was my friend. He would listen to me rant or to my worries and was always there to help. Sometimes He would give me the swift kick in the butt I needed. other times He simply listened and helped me find my own way.

We spoke every day for over a year. Sharing the most in-depth parts of our lives and thoughts. I used to raise an eyebrow at people who met online. Figured how can you grow close to someone you never met. But now I know differently. Sometimes a meeting of minds can touch you just as deep as a physical touch, if not more.

My husband knew I was speaking to Him online and was pleased I had someone I could vent to. Not that my husband wouldn't listen to me, just I have faced a lot of abuse in my life and opening up to even a cousellor has never been something I could do. Yet with Him I could. Perhaps it was the fact He was so far away and online, I don't know.

But I do know that I managed to open up and trust Him. I became more confident in myself. I started to open up to my husband more. He had been working with me to be more independent, to see myself for not only the person I am but who I could become. To accept that I did not deserve the things that had happened to me in the past.

Sometimes I drove Him up the wall as im not an easy person to be around. But He always stuck with me, would tell me after I'd been screaming at Him 'have you finished yet, as we are yet to figure this out and avoiding it isn't getting us there any quicker!'

If ever He would be away id always be told. Sometimes if He was late, there would always be a message waiting so id know not to worry. But one day not only was He late there was no message either. The days drifted on into weeks. He had never been gone for so long. I began to worry. I searched online for information. We had discussed if anything ever happened to him ways id be told. But were yet to figure it out as He was in good health so seemed no rush.

I found an obituary the details were similar to His and the picture looked alot like Him. I'd never really took much interest in how He looked, because we simply didn't have that sort of relationship. It said the man died suddenly and the time frame fits exactly. The description of Him was exactly Him. So I am left facing two options, He either died before we had a way to let me know, or He simply vanished after all this time together everyday.

Aside from my husband and one other friend, there is no one else who knew about Him. No one knew I was talking through issues and sharing traumatic times and the good times with Him. So they can't understand why im feeling a sense of loss. I have to maintain my smile and plod along as though nothing is wrong, when inside I switch between panic, anger and feeling a hurt I never knew I could feel.

My friend sent me a link to this site, he said that no matter whether he has just vanished, is simply ill and not able to let me know or if He has died, that I have a loss. My friend said that I should explore that loss because online or in real life, I am still grieving.

I feel a fraud though. Like I don't deserve to grieve cos it was just someone I met online, that perhaps He is just missing and not dead. Yet I am hurting and pretending im not is only making it worse. Making excuses that maybe its an internet issue ended long ago, after too much time passed.

So now I feel guilty for even grieving and taking up the space on this site. But I am grieving and hiding it isn't helping, maybe writing about it and just acknowledging the fact may help though.

So here I am writing this still wondering if maybe He will pop up online any moment. But I also wonder if maybe one day I can stop thinking and hoping he will, because each day hurts fresh again when there is no offline waiting. But the days and weeks do pass and I can only hope to make him proud and remember the skills He has taught me.

Comments for a different love and loss

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Dec 04, 2012
All Too Familiar
by: Kelly

I, too, have experienced this more than once. I have no answers of why someone would do this.

What is worse for me is that I have had someone like this disappear only to send a random birthday wish years latter leading to a reconnect. I was hesitant to reconnect & explained to my friend that it was like Peanuts Lucy assuring Charlie Brown that "this time" she wouldn't pull the football away when he went to kick it. They replied that they hoped to prove that they wouldn't do that. Yet, that is just what was done when they "submerged" again.

That is when I changed my email address.

May 06, 2011
a different love and loss
by: Anonymous

Thank you so much for posting this.
Why am I on this site? Like you, I feel like a fraud in a way. Worse than you, I know the person who stopped talking with me is alive and very well.

Apart from that, the past eight months - well, I could have written what you have. I realised I was grieving, and I have to move through it as quickly as I can, so I Googled "the stages of grief" and came here.

One night, usual chat, and then no more. I worried that there had been an accident. I sent Emails, sms, msn, finally, five days later, I get "been chilling out, all's good, seeya".

I wonder sometimes if I would have handled it better if he'd died. I have been given no explanation or reason, nothing. I can see him in chat - very happy, but he ignores anything I write. Like you, I am seeking some sort of 'closure', I think, and I am not going to get it.

I am grieving, the sudden crying, the lost, vague, empty feeling, confusion.....

I had no idea the sudden death of a friendship could be as devastating as this. Funny, you know. Only a couple of weeks earlier, we were discussing this, and I said, "don't just 'disappear',I would be devastated, say something to warn me". He replied, "I'd never do that, I'm always here for you". Then this. It has totally shredded me.

Reading your post has helped me immensely. I am still in the middle of it, this all unfolding over the past nine days.

Thank you again for posting. I am sure there are many who will benefit from this site. Take care.

Dec 29, 2010
I too have hidden grief
by: Anonymous

How sad for you. Your friends are right; give your son space and time. If you are not in the way the partner will start complaining about anyone who gets too close.

It is very sad. I believe people who can't include family as part of their friendship group have problems in their own relationship. Hopefully he will realise soon. Maybe write him a letter telling how much you love and miss them.

Dec 13, 2010
I am truly sorry
by: Terri

It may have been a virtual relationship but it was still a relationship that you are now missing, that is loss. Allow yourself to feel how you need to and when anyone asks, tell them. You lost a friend. If your worry is for not and one day he does contact you than that will be a whole different ball game!

To the responder,
I am sorry you lost contact with your son and grandson. I hope one day you can regain them. I would suggest maybe listening to the family/friends suggestion to be patient. I can only imagine how hard it will be but other than going to court I'm not sure there is another way.

Dec 12, 2010
i too have hidden grief
by: Anonymous

My lovely son conceived a child with girl he had been dating, the child was born and they have tried to make a go of the relationship. the baby is now four and being my 1st and only grandchild we became very close. he's a sweet child, smart and articulate and loving and he adores me as i do him. my son started acting strange toward me and i have now found out that the girl has been working behind the scenes to get me and the rest of his family out of his life,(she has already disowned her own family) to make a long story my son as accused me of a long list of things I haven't done and forbidden me from his life.

I am suddenly without my son or my grandson even though we live in the same town and my heart hurts so bad I feel i'm having a heart attack. No matter what I try, nothing helps for long, and I so worry what the little guy must be thinking that I'm suddenly out of his life have they told him grandma doesn't want him anymore? And to be betrayed by my son who I love with all my heart. People tell me to give them space and time but what do I do with this terrible pain in my heart?

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