a different love and loss

I have always had trust issues. Somehow I learned to live with them and adapt my relationships. That was till I met Him. I am happily married with a small child. One day I wandered about online and got chatting to someone in a forum discussing all sorts. He was much older then I. Not that it mattered. We did not share a romantic love, was more then that in some ways. He was my mentor, my guide, my confidant, the parent I never had and above all He was my friend. He would listen to me rant or to my worries and was always there to help. Sometimes He would give me the swift kick in the butt I needed. other times He simply listened and helped me find my own way.

We spoke every day for over a year. Sharing the most in-depth parts of our lives and thoughts. I used to raise an eyebrow at people who met online. Figured how can you grow close to someone you never met. But now I know differently. Sometimes a meeting of minds can touch you just as deep as a physical touch, if not more.

My husband knew I was speaking to Him online and was pleased I had someone I could vent to. Not that my husband wouldn't listen to me, just I have faced a lot of abuse in my life and opening up to even a cousellor has never been something I could do. Yet with Him I could. Perhaps it was the fact He was so far away and online, I don't know.

But I do know that I managed to open up and trust Him. I became more confident in myself. I started to open up to my husband more. He had been working with me to be more independent, to see myself for not only the person I am but who I could become. To accept that I did not deserve the things that had happened to me in the past.

Sometimes I drove Him up the wall as im not an easy person to be around. But He always stuck with me, would tell me after I'd been screaming at Him 'have you finished yet, as we are yet to figure this out and avoiding it isn't getting us there any quicker!'

If ever He would be away id always be told. Sometimes if He was late, there would always be a message waiting so id know not to worry. But one day not only was He late there was no message either. The days drifted on into weeks. He had never been gone for so long. I began to worry. I searched online for information. We had discussed if anything ever happened to him ways id be told. But were yet to figure it out as He was in good health so seemed no rush.

I found an obituary the details were similar to His and the picture looked alot like Him. I'd never really took much interest in how He looked, because we simply didn't have that sort of relationship. It said the man died suddenly and the time frame fits exactly. The description of Him was exactly Him. So I am left facing two options, He either died before we had a way to let me know, or He simply vanished after all this time together everyday.

Aside from my husband and one other friend, there is no one else who knew about Him. No one knew I was talking through issues and sharing traumatic times and the good times with Him. So they can't understand why im feeling a sense of loss. I have to maintain my smile and plod along as though nothing is wrong, when inside I switch between panic, anger and feeling a hurt I never knew I could feel.

My friend sent me a link to this site, he said that no matter whether he has just vanished, is simply ill and not able to let me know or if He has died, that I have a loss. My friend said that I should explore that loss because online or in real life, I am still grieving.

I feel a fraud though. Like I don't deserve to grieve cos it was just someone I met online, that perhaps He is just missing and not dead. Yet I am hurting and pretending im not is only making it worse. Making excuses that maybe its an internet issue ended long ago, after too much time passed.

So now I feel guilty for even grieving and taking up the space on this site. But I am grieving and hiding it isn't helping, maybe writing about it and just acknowledging the fact may help though.

So here I am writing this still wondering if maybe He will pop up online any moment. But I also wonder if maybe one day I can stop thinking and hoping he will, because each day hurts fresh again when there is no offline waiting. But the days and weeks do pass and I can only hope to make him proud and remember the skills He has taught me.