A FATHER ALWAYS WITH ME

by TRICIA
(TEXAS, U.S.)

IT'S BEEN FOUR LONG BUT SHORT YEARS SINCE I'VE LOST MY DAD. THOSE THAT HAVE LOST SOMEONE, KNOW WHAT I MEAN ABOUT THE TIME, IT CAN SEEM SO LONG, BUT YET NOT TOO LONG AGO THAT THEY WERE WITH US. I LOST MY DAD TO STOMACH AND ESOPHAGEAL CANCER IN NOVEMBER OF 2005. I WAS I BELIEVE TWENTY FOUR YEARS OLD WHEN WE LOST HIM. WE HAD FOUND OUT HE HAD CANCER THAT YEAR BEFORE, ON MY 23RD BDAY. I WAS DEVASTATED. I COULDN'T PIECE IT TOGETHER.

AFTER WE FOUND OUT, HE GOT SICKER AND SICKER AND IT WAS HARD FOR ME TO COPE WITH LOSING THE ONLY FATHER I EVER KNEW OTHER THAN MY GRANDPA THAT DIED THE YEAR BEFORE DAD, AND A FEW CLOSE UNCLES I HAVE.

THE LAST FEW YEARS WITH HIM, THINGS WERE KINDA BITTER BETWEEN US. WE JUST LOST THAT DADDY'S GIRL TYPE OF RELATIONSHIP, AND I HATED THAT. BUT THE SICKER HE GOT, THE WORSE OUR RELATIONSHIP GOT. I HAD A SUBSTANCE ABUSE PROBLEM WHICH HE DISAGREED WITH FOR YEARS. SO HE ALWAYS COMPARED ME TO MY BROTHER WHO IS MY ONLY SIBLING, AND HELD THAT AGAINST ME EVEN IF I WAS DOING RIGHT. IT WAS HARD, BUT ESPECIALLY WHEN I FOUND OUT HE WAS DYING, I HAD TO LOVE HIM AND TRY TO NOT ALLOW HIS WORDS TO HURT ME, EVEN THOUGH THEY DID.

I KNEW HE WAS IN PAIN AND TOOK IT OUT ON THE FIRST PERSON HE SAW, WHICH WAS USUALLY ME. VERBALLY. I ADMIT,I DIDN'T HANDLE MY COPING WITH IT VERY HEALTHY, BUT I FELT I NEEDED IT IN ORDER TO BEGIN TO SEPARATE MYSELF FROM HIM RATHER THAN FEELING THE BIG "SURPRISE" THAT YOU JUST DON'T WANNA GET.

IT MADE ME NUMB, BUT WHEN I WASN'T DOPED UP, MY EMOTIONS WERE A WRECK, SO I'D DIVE DEEPER INTO MY ADDICTION. SINCE I WAS HOME A LOT, I MADE SURE DAD WAS OK AND EATING PROPERLY WHILE MOM WAS AT WORK. WHEN THE NURSE CAME AND HELPED HIM WITH HIS EXERCISES, AND SHE WOULD TELL HIM HE HAD TO KEEP THEM UP, I MADE SURE HE DID HIS EXERCISES, HIM YELLING AND ALL. LOL.

I HELPED HIM AND WOULD WATCH TV WITH HIM. EVEN THOUGH IT WASN'T HEALTHY, BUT HE WAS STUBBORN, HE DROVE HIS CAR ALL THE WAY UNTIL THE TIME HE PASSED. EVERY MORNING HE'D GO TO THE SAME LITTLE NEIGHBORHOOD STORE WHERE THEY ALL KNEW HIM AND HE WOULD GET HIS MORNING PAPER. I STILL MISS THE SOUND OF HIM COMING IN THE DOOR EVEN THOUGH IT USED TO AGGRAVATE ME CAUSE IT WOULD WAKE ME UP, LOL. BUT THOSE ARE THE TYPE OF GOOFY THINGS I MISS.

OF COURSE, WHEN I DREAM OF HIM, IT BRINGS BACK A LOT OF MEMORIES TOO. AFTER HE PASSED, I WENT NUMB. I GOT DEEPER IN TO TRYING TO NUMB WHAT I WAS FEELING, BUT REALIZED I HAD TO LET THE STAGES OF GRIEF TAKE PLACE. I KNOW I'LL NEVER STOP MISSING OR GRIEVING FOR DAD, BUT I CAN AT LEAST WORK ON GRIEVING IN HEALTHY MANNERS.

I HAVE IMPROVED, I SOMETIMES MAKE THE WRONG CHOICES, BUT OVERALL, I AM NO LONGER NUMB AND I ALLOW MYSELF TO FEEL NOW. I ALSO DON'T HAVE THAT ADDICTION ANYMORE WHICH HELPS A LOT. AND I ALWAYS KEEP IN MIND THAT MY DADDY IS ALWAYS WITH ME AND THAT HE DID LOVE ME.

Comments for A FATHER ALWAYS WITH ME

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Mar 23, 2010
Daddys Girl
by: Down Under

Tricia my condolences on the loss of dad. Great to see that you are trying to help yourself and pick yourself back up, he'd be proud of his daughter ! He is watching down on you Tricia. Grieving can take many forms and last for a long time. Take care.

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