A few bad weeks

by Yvonne
(California)

i haven't been here for a while. I have had a few bad weeks. It is almost 10 months since Roger passed away. And the last couple weeks have been hell. I thought I was doing ok with this alone stuff, but lately it is just awful, can't sleep, cry all of the time and miss him more than ever. I look at his spot on the couch where he used to sit and cry. I went to the dentist and broke down because Roger was a painter and I used to help him lay drops etc. When I walked into the dentist office it reminded me that about three months before he passed away WE WERE IN THAT OFFICE PAINTING IT. I WAS A MESS!!! I know my friends say I have to make a life without him, but there is no life without him. I went from a life I loved more than ever to a life i absolutely hate. I don't think I can do this. The pain is horrendous. The problem is we did so much together that it is almost impossible to find something new. Everything I do , everywhere I go he was there and I break down in tears.

Comments for A few bad weeks

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May 12, 2011
response to I can't do this
by: Anonymous

Yvonne I feel deeply about everything you said. I lost my husband in November 2011. He was my husband, father, son, brother, friend, soulmate for 45 years. We were inseparable. We shared everything together. Now there is only nothingness where he used to be. If I could just see him once more, hold his hand,,,see his smile and the little wink he used to give me. People tell me all the crying I do is "normal" Well, I don't feel normal. I'm just existing and there is no interest in the future. Then you begin to feel that you are being avoided because you are no longer fun. We had no children.. Crying in church while trying to pray is horrendous. God is the only one that can help me.

May 12, 2011
Bad weeks
by: Judy

Yvonne,

Everyone of us here can totally understand how you are feeling. Barry and I also did everything together so there is virtually no place in our little town that doesn't bring back a memory. I can remember going to lunch with my work group to a local restaurant we loved and just sitting at the table bawling my head off because in my mind I could see Barry there. Although it is hard to believe now, things will get easier> let grief takes you where it will. If you have a few bad weeks, a few good ones will come eventually. Remember we are all here for you. Just hang on.

JM


May 12, 2011
A few bad weeks
by: Deana Benner

I understand what you are going through. It has been 10 months on May 3 since my husband, JR, died from stomach cancer. I thought by now it would be better, but at times it is even worse. I cry everyday, everything reminds me of him or us because we spent all our time together, and sometimes I wish I was with him wherever he is at now. It IS pure hell and I don't know if it will ever get better.

May 12, 2011
Yvonne. I feel your pain
by: Linda

Yvonne, everything I do and everywhere I go, I think of my husband. In the morning, we took the train together, but separate cars to station and he would wait for me at the corner two blocks away until I got in front of him. I cry when pass that block. I cry when I shop for groceries (he shopped), I cry when I go outside (he loved the summer which is coming), I hate eating at home without him, I walk around the house aimlessly on the weekends not knowing what to do, when before, when he was alive, I was always so busy trying to clean and tidy and make things perfect, when I should have been spending more time with my love of my life. I am lost and many nights feel as though it just isn't worth the time or effort anymore. It has been 4-1/2 months for me and I don't feel as though things have gotten any easier. I loved him too much...he was my best friend, my lover, my confidante, my life. Perhaps I put too much importance in one person, but I waited so long for just the right person, and he came along, although later in life, he still came along. I was content to be alone, but he made me realize that I need not be alone. I thought God had sent him for me. Unfortunately, God only intended us to be with each other for 15 years and that would be all I would get. Again, as someone else said, I don't know what to say except, I know how you feel and then some. My whole world has ended and I am not sure it will ever start again. I loved him so...

May 12, 2011
We are open 24/7
by:

Yvonne,

I too struggle with finding things to do that aren't an arrow in my heart. It seems like everything reminds us of them one way or another.
I really like what Trish said about if we were given a choice to have Loved them and have this pain or never to have met them at all.

I am painting right now, initially it reminded me of all the painting we did together he did the walls and I did the trim/edging. He said his brother made him do it when they were in the business so I guess I sort of inherited it.
That was bad enough but the color that I found on sale last year was almost an exact color that we had painted before not just in one house but 2.
Of course I did not realise it until I began to paint. Another stab remembering those previous houses that we shared.

It is so hard Not to have memories smack you in the face when you least expect it. You can't run and hide every time it happens, you would spend 2/3rds of your day in a closet.

Just enjoy the little moments that are o.k and know that in time the bad ones will be further and further apart. I could not bare the site of a siren or a rescue squad truck at first. Now it is not my favorite thing to look at but I no longer feel as if I am going to pass out at the site or sound of one.

We have felt much as you do and we are always here, the shoulder to lean on and lean as often as you need to rest your weary mind...
HH

May 12, 2011
a few bad days
by: Anonymous

Yvonne, I understand all of what you're going through as I go through it too . I write in my journal I hate this life so empty and alone. No matter where I go it will always remind me of US as we went everywhere together. Even a ride down the street makes me cry at times. HE loved riding around just looking at things.

But, Yvonne, we must go on and learn to come to a peaceful place and let go and let God.

We will do it and we will grieve on occasion when we have to for many years to come and be okay with it.

Take care of yourself.

May 11, 2011
This Just Isn't Fun......
by: TrishJ

I had a pretty bad week too. Mother's day really hurt. Family together, no husband, dad or grandpa there. We all know there is a huge void but nobody says anything.
I had a HUGE set back at the hospital last week. There was a flight for life helicopter that sent me completely over the edge. Memories flooding back. Bad memories. I try to compensate for the bad memories by thinking of happy times. That depresses me even more. Some days.............
One good day followed by two bad days...up, down, up down. I'm weary. I want my husband back but that's not going to happen.
I truly feel for you Yvonne. Does it help to know you aren't alone?
If I got to live my life over again and God said, "I'm going to send you a wonderful man who will be a good husband to you and an awesome father for your children. The only problem is that when he dies you are going to be devastated by the terrible pain and absolute heartbreak. You can chose to have him in your life or not have him in your life and avoid all the pain and hurt." I would say, "Bring him on. I'll enjoy the love while I can and endure the pain after he's gone." The only thing I can think of that is worse than losing Joe is never having had him in my life at all.
I try so hard to be thankful for the wonderful husband, father, grandfather, friend. But it's so hard most days.
God Bless Yvonne. Prayers for strength. One step, One breath.
PJ

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