A first love - Devastation.
As a 19 year old 'man' love became an unexpected thing for me. I met this stunning 18 year old girl at college. She was every mans dream. Blonde hair, blue eyes, perfect body etc. Considering I am what I would describe as an average looking man, this was a real confidence boost as this was a girl who only really appeared in my dreams.
Anyway, we got together fairly swiftly. Things were great. At the time I used to work all day, pick her up, drive back to mine and then spend the nights together before I'd drop her off home at around 11.30pm. We were completely wrapped up in our own little bubble.
Then things started to get tense. Three months in, we both agreed that the only thing to cause a break up between us was interference from a third party. We therefore decided to both de-activate our Facebook accounts and delete all numbers in our mobile phones who were of the opposite sex. I was happy to do both. What did I care? I didnt need any females in my life anyway, this was the only girl I cared about. She however, did care but didnt really speak up about it. Her friends were mostly male before she met me and now this meant that she had no friends to see. You could ay this was harsh but we both did it together and agreed to it. We began to spend more and more time with each other.
My friends didnt really take a liking to this as you could imagine however to me, I was happy to have found a girl. A girl who I loved and she loved me back! I couldnt believe it was all happening but it was. I still saw my friends quite regularly but things became difficult as my girlfriend and my friends started to take a disliking to each other due to jealousy or whatever you want to call it.
We battled through it. I spent my time shared between them to try and keep things balanced. It was rocky but we stayed strong. We had holidays together, helped each other with university work, bought up two puppies together (Which are now my rock as silly as it sounds) we cooked together, went out, had drinks etc. It really was lovely. I felt good for making her happy and Im sure she felt the same.
Things then got difficult. After an argument I decided enough was enough and I drove to her house with her possessions in black bags and left them on the door step. This was a cowardly move I know but I was confused and scared. This was my first love remember. I was like a fish out of water (And by that I dont mean dead)
Due to my stupidity her family instantly took a disliking towards me. Who wouldnt? Time passed anyway, we got back together and things were good again. I went round her house a few times but didnt really feel comfortable. I then decided to make more of an effort and take her out, then stay the night at hers for the first time and show the family that I am a nice person. Well, that night I got beat up by three men who were driving past. I woke up at my girlfriends house covered in bruises and blood. Not really the impression I wanted to give her parents. I felt ashamed, embarrassed and gutted that it had happened at such an awkward time. My girlfriend assured me it was ok and we got on with the day (Her Mom even cooked for me which was nice)
Things carried on fairly similar soon after. We are both at the same University so we knuckled down with that. We both got part time jobs which was great as well.
The part where it got bad was when we had an argument, it got out of hand and families got involved. My Mom had an argument with my girlfriends older brother and it all exploded from there really. I was hated by their family and my Mom didnt really like my girlfriend anymore. It was hard and I mean hard! We met up shortly afterwards to discuss what was going to happen. We decided that the tension between everybody would fade and that if we love each other, that is all that matters. We stayed together and got on with things. It was going well again, it was different to the first three months of the relationship but that is always the magical moment right?
Christmas 2011 - My girlfriend spoilt me. She was absolutely amazing to me and there was nothing that I disliked about the presents she got for me. We had a nice Christmas and spent new years eve/day together. Something which made me feel good knowing that she was happy to be with me.
Anyway, we are nearing to the end now. I have suffered from depression for up to a year but was only diagnosed around a month ago. My girlfriend didnt seem to understand the way depression made me feel and she added to my stress levels. After nights out she would moan about my friends or pick an argument over something. Mix alcohol with depression and an argument between a couple and you have a horrible mix.
That night I was suicidal. I rang the Samaritans and spoke to people just to get help. I turned my phone off and went to sleep. The next day my girlfriend rang and I explained that its over. I said I cant take it anymore, my head is all over the place and its too much for me to handle.
I turned my phone off for three days. She constantly tried to contact my family/friends for days. I told everybody to leave the phone and she will give up. Well eventually she did give up. I was at rock bottom at this point. Not because I was upset, but because I cared about her feelings so much and that it was my fault she was hurting.
She sent me a text last night and I replied. We spoke on the phone for three hours as 'friends' and she said it would be best to take a month off from each other and then see what happens.
I just know 100% that we are over. She wont want me back after she has had time apart from me. It is all my doing and I will never forgive myself for the way I treated her and pushed her away. I truly love this girl and she knows that. She says she loves me too but we cant be friends and still love each other.
I am in tears now. The weird thing is, these tears arrived as I started to write about the bad part of the relationship. People might say 'theres plenty more fish in the sea' or 'give it time' but anybody who has been through a break up knows the hurt. I have been through hell and back during my 21 years on this Earth with losing a Sister and seeing my parents in a violent marriage. This may seem minor in comparison but it has really hit me hard.
I just hope she is ok and that we can work something out but I am 99% sure its game over. Sorry to rant on but it is always better when you have spoke about it to people.
Thanks for reading.