A Friend's child has passed, My son and the boy who passed were best friends

Hi my name is Ashlee, I have recently went through an experince that is hard to explain let alone type so I hope not to lose anyone with this. Recently I took my children (3, 1 1/2, & 3months) to a local swimming spot in our local river. When i arived there a close friend's (& reletive to my husband) three children ages 6, 10, & 12 where swimming. They we're there without adault supervision. So being conserned when myself, my children, & friend's had finished swiming I anounced to these other children that it was time to go and I wanted them to come with me so that i could take them back to there house. While fighting them to leave along with my own children my friend's 6yr old ran back into the river. I looked down at him and told him once-more that it was time to get ready. next i had picked my 1 1/2yr old up and placed him on the upper bank. When I turned back to ask the 6yr old once more to hurry along he was gone. I asked several other swimmers and visiters to the river if they had seen him and everyone said no. I then asked everyone still swimming to start diving and see if anyone could find him. As soon as people started diving I called '911' I waited for the police to show when they did everyone was asked to leave the scean. I must say becuse of how upset I am with my local police that they we're useless I made the call to '911' at 5:20pm police showed up at 5:45pm even though I told them several times that he was last seen in the water they waited untill 6:45pm to start the diving team. At 7pm the little 6yr old boy was found and pronounced dead at the scean. ='( Many people around me have pointed the blame to me... and in so many ways I have blamed myself. It has been about a week since this has hapend and im slowly moving on. But the 6yr old boy who passed was my 3yr old son's best friend. Now my 3yr old son says he's playing with the boy who passed all the time. He also tell's me that the boy drowned and is gone and wont come back. It seems that he understands that the boy has passed but still mentions at every activity how the boy is with him. I don't know how to help him cope. I worrie that he will get frusterated with the fact of no matter how much he says he's "playing" with the little boy but never really see's him again. As a person I feel lost, confused, blamed, hurt, and sad at this little boys passing but am more conserned for my 3yr old son. If anyone has any tips please let me know! Thank You.

Comments for A Friend's child has passed, My son and the boy who passed were best friends

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Jun 26, 2012
Blamed for boy drowning
by: Doreen U.K,

Dear Ashlee,
I am sorry for the loss of this young child and for how you are feeling. Who is blaming you for this boy's death? How are you to blame? Did you accept responsibility for these childrens care?
Did you agree with the parents of these children that you would look out for them?
Ashlee. If you answer there questions then write the answers on paper. Don't keep it in your head. I don't like the word Blame. I prefer to use the word RESPONSIBILITY!.
When you went down to the river the children were already there without Adult Supervision!. Who is then responsible for these children that they were on their own?
What you did was to act responsible by being concerned. you took responsibility for these children because you were there in person. You were horrified that these children were on their own unsupervised. Therefore you took it upon yourself to take control of a dangerous situation. You need to face the truth. In reality it is not the person who takes control of a dangerous situation that is responsible. It is the responsibility of the person who let the children go off by themselves without supervision.
You need to let go of your GUILT. You need to confront the situation. You need to CONFRONT the people who are blaming you. Use the word RESPONSIBLE. This will diffuse the anger around what happened and allow everyone to see this tragedy for what it is. You then need to put the responsibility where it belongs. FREE yourself from Blame. Don't let others do this to you. People will dump their guilt on you if they can. You sound like a caring person and this is why they are doing this. DON'T LET THEM. Stand up for yourself. Even if you have to put a short piece in the Newspapers. Do it. You will get back your self respect that has been stolen from you. I hope that you can digest what I have said. Separate it into sections and then you will understand that You are not Responsible for this child's death. The mother also may not have given the children permission to go. You know how children are. They disobey rules. This therefore becomes a tragedy by a child who did what he wanted and paid a price for his disobedience. You called 911. This does not make you responsible for this child. You acted responsibly to a dangerous situation. I hope this helps you to come to terms with this tragedy and absolve yourself from blame and you will be able to grieve in a different way without the guilt. Best wishes and I hope things improve and you feel that RELIEF you need.

Jun 25, 2012
A friend's child has passed...
by: Bernadina

Dear Ashlee. I think your little boy is playing an important role in his friend's transition from the material realm of Earth to the
realm of the spirit about which we know so little. It seems it is
somehow natural to both little boys to continue being there for each other. Playing as children do. We can only be relieved
that our children do not fear death as we adults do...that it seems
to be a natural progression for them. Perhaps we can learn something from the little children.
In time I suspect , the six year old boy will move on and the play will stop in such a manner that your son will find that
completely natural as well. You have a beautifully pure little
boy. Perhaps for the moment, he is your teacher.

For a million and one reasons you know you are not responsible for this tragedy. You are also suffering from post traumatic stress disorder and should seek someone to speake to for a while. It will help you keep your faith in humanity as you rise
above the cruelty of needless blame. Until then find comfort
in the heart and mind of your three year old son who has a world
to show you. Peace to you, Bernadina

Jun 25, 2012
Not your Fault
by: Ashlee

Ashlee, what a terrible thing for you to witness. People can be funny, when such a tragedy happens especially the family of the 6 yr old.
How dare others say its your fault, you were being a responsible adult, trying to get the unsupervised children out of the water.
The reality is the children were unsupervised and a tragic unnecessary death occurred.
Your friends family will try and blame you as will the remaining two children, they are all trying ago justify what happened. please do not allow them to do this to you. Let them know that is was a tragic accident, and besides .you where looking after your own children at the time.
Your 3 yr old son, must have looked up to and loved the 6 yr old boy who died.
In his own little way he is trying to come to grips with the fact he will never see him again. he may also be feeling your grief over the loss as well.
Your little boy will need time to assimilate the loss and I would recommend that when he mentions the 6 yr old again, calmly talk to him about it with him. if he feels any anxiety on your part it could may him tense and unhappy.
Even though he is young he is grieving the loss in his own little way, explain to him he is gone, if you are religious tell him he has gone to heaven and he is happy there, that's what we told your 3 yr old mephew when his grandpa died. He tells us now grandpa is never coming back cause he's in the big blue sky with grandma.
Hope this helps you, with your son.

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