A hard and devastating awakening

by Steve
(Melbourne FL USA)

Looking back, what would it take to pull me out of my secret sin… tear me up, beat me up, put me back together and give me a new Beginning… In Christ.

First, let me say, I am so thankful that Jesus Christ is my Savior. He is my Rock and my Fortress, under His wings I will abide.

The story of how I got here is well documented… all the blame I placed and how I placed it WAS clear… at least then. Now it’s a different story.

The following life changing events have began to take place in my life and I would like to share them.

So I begin…

It was easier to start over than to go back to these struggles and we never seemed to get anywhere, except backwards…

After my divorce from my wife of 12 years in February 2010, I had the opportunity to meet several people. I thought, Yea, I was free from this turmoil. As time went on, I found myself comparing them to her. By this time the dust of our demise had settled and I was officially on my own as was she; I found myself thinking about her.

Within less than 6 weeks after moving out we found ourselves drawing to each other, but neither would give up the looking for fear of going back to the OLD. We did not want the old way of life… at all. We kept our relationship private.

In the meantime, she was getting well acquainted with an old friend from far away. Their relationship was blossoming as I learned in these later days. I began to feel a jealousy that I never experienced before… in my mind, I had left the door open, and would not let anyone else in… only to be friends with others…that may be different for her.

What was about to happen in the next 7 days, I would not wish for on anyone. And so the story continues:

It started with a rage of jealousy because she was rushing so quickly into this new relationship… when it seemed there was a spark of life there between us… but as she would say on one of our last face to face meetings… “it was easier to start over (new) then to go back.”

This was REAL… I can not fully exercise the deep pain and sorrow I was experiencing. It was one of the worst spankings I have ever experienced.

I became heartbroken. Torn to shreds and the tears of sorrow began to flow. The rage in my mind became overwhelming… and at first…I did not think God was there… He had abandoned me… Forsook me. Why would he give me this chance and then take her away?

God had another purpose in mind for me, He needed to BREAK me. As my sorrows mounted from this day, my dependency on God increased and I began to plead with Him. I could not sleep, I could not function… as hard I as tried. God began to break me and tear me down to my lowest point. It was my “secret” SIN that did this to my life. It was like the pits of hell were coming out and attacking me. The pain was unbelievable… I was so ashamed. It did not get any easier… it was getting worse! God began purging me after my confession… and the pain continued. One the 5th day, the pain began to subside when I had the last chance to tell her how sorry I was and at least tell her how much I really loved her and was sorry to lose her. And for her, as she said, it was easier to start over then to go back.

My dependency on God had been growing and now it was growing even more… I was not going to be able to go on if I did not completely engulf my life in his arms.

Each day became easier as I learned to walk with Him and talk with Him. For days I could not sleep and would find myself walking the neighborhood early in the morning hours just talking and pleading with him to take away the pain and sorrow. My prayer life changed too. God – became REAL. As the pain subsided… I realized God was taking over.

The days have passed, and each day gets a little easier. My desire is to reconcile with her... after all, we did have a great friendship and a decent life. I wish I could make it all up to her.

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