A husband gone, A life totally alone
My husband died on New Years Eve. I wasn't with him. I planned to go to the hospital in the evening instead of in the morning when I usually went. In truth, I didn't want to go at all because he couldn't speak, he couldn't breath, I couldn't bear to see him so helpless.
We owned a pub, we had only each other as real friends...all the other people in our life were guests in the pub - naturally they all disappeared and many took advantage of the fact that my husband was ill and then died.
I am bitter, angry, lonely, and don't know what to do. In the end, I actually wanted him to die, he was in so much pain and he had wasted away to nothing. But I miss him with all my being. I hated him, I loved him...and he left me in the shit. He didn't prepare at all for his death though he knew it was imminent. He never took care of me. He spent all his time in the pub and we never had time together because he didn't like me to be there.
We lost everything. I lost everything. I am now stuck in a foreign country with no friends, no money and no life to speak of. I go to the cemetery and I place flowers on his grave which was poorly planned because I got bad advice...anyhow this is all self-pity crap...
I just wish I could get on with my life. But it's not happening - I am alone, lonely, and broke.