A husband gone, A life totally alone

My husband died on New Years Eve. I wasn't with him. I planned to go to the hospital in the evening instead of in the morning when I usually went. In truth, I didn't want to go at all because he couldn't speak, he couldn't breath, I couldn't bear to see him so helpless.

We owned a pub, we had only each other as real friends...all the other people in our life were guests in the pub - naturally they all disappeared and many took advantage of the fact that my husband was ill and then died.

I am bitter, angry, lonely, and don't know what to do. In the end, I actually wanted him to die, he was in so much pain and he had wasted away to nothing. But I miss him with all my being. I hated him, I loved him...and he left me in the shit. He didn't prepare at all for his death though he knew it was imminent. He never took care of me. He spent all his time in the pub and we never had time together because he didn't like me to be there.

We lost everything. I lost everything. I am now stuck in a foreign country with no friends, no money and no life to speak of. I go to the cemetery and I place flowers on his grave which was poorly planned because I got bad advice...anyhow this is all self-pity crap...

I just wish I could get on with my life. But it's not happening - I am alone, lonely, and broke.

Comments for A husband gone, A life totally alone

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May 02, 2012
Alone
by: M Mack

As Judy stated below - it really is so early to get a grip and I couldnt agree more- we are all here, both experienced and inexperienced survivors of grief. I was doing well, almost 2 years in July since i lost my love. Now I am not sure how great I really am. This grief has me all over from one day to the next. Have I learned anything by now? I thought I did but now......I don't know. You will survive thats for sure. Anger, hurt, despair are all around me. I know how to practice calm and patience- I learned that much. But that doesn't mean I don't slip back from time to time. You have definitely come to the right place. We are here for you. Keep a journal, write to him and express how you feel. Give yourself time to grieve, sort your feelings. Most of all - take care of you. Sending prayers and hugs your way as you travel the grief path of survivors.

May 02, 2012
Life Is Hard Without Them
by: Anonymous

I hear you loud and clear. My husband and I lost everything prior to his death. He was on the cardiac transplant list and in order to qualify for any assistance we had to let our home go.
I'm very alone. I know how you feel. I'm angry at everything and everyone in my life. Everything in my life changed. I'm used to having my husband by my side. Without him I am totally lost.
I'm living in a strange apartment, I am not currently working, I have no husband and very limited resources. I've really had enough.
Does it help to know you aren't alone? We are all grieving on this web site. We have lost a love in our life.
God bless you. I hope you have some relief soon. We all need a purpose in life and when you feel like your purpose is gone it's not easy to adjust. We basically have to learn to live all over again.
One day at a time. Baby steps. Don't think about tomorrow. Just do your best to get through today.
Hugs and Peace.

May 01, 2012
Alone
by: Judy

Your hearbreak and anguish almost jumps off the page to me.

Your beloved has been gone only a short period, barely four months. It would be strange if you were not feeling alone and sad. You are lonely and sad as are all of us who have trod on this unwelcome path.

But you are not alone since you chose to come to this site. We are here with you and for you and we are all feeling or have felt the same way you are feeling. You can say whatever you want her without judgement and be assured that one of us, some of us or all of us understand perfectly. We are you sisters in this new and confusing place called widow.

Please look back at some of the earlier posts and see how we have come along, a little bit at a time. You will also. Until then you have us to lean on.

Blessings to you,

JM

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