A Key Factor in Depression to Me ~

by Patricia
(Las Vegas)

Me & My Son

Me & My Son

I'm always trying to look at myself, my feelings, where my thoughts come from regarding Billy and how they effect me. I know I have a different life than we planned so it is what I make of it. No one else can predict, promise or make me do anything I don't want to. This is "MY" life now. I've been drowning in pain and despair so much lately so I asked myself what am I doing or what has changed to bring me so far down in the depths of desperation? I thought, goodness, everything was better 7 months ago compared to now. What happened?

A thought came to me, I sit in an office that has no sound, no background noise, were talking you could hear a pin drop it so quiet. I thought I was going to go crazy with so much silent. I was told I could listen to my I pod so a least I would have some kind of background noise. Here's where the Factor of Depression showed its ugly head. All the music that I was listening to reminded me in each song something about what was "OUR" life. So each day I listened I climbed back into the hole of pain, missing, wanting, crying, you name it I hit all the emotions you could think of. I was a basket case by the time I drove home and all I did was cry everyday.

What I originally wanted was a little Ipod radio so I could listen to a different range of music, there's talking about the news (sometimes that sucks), weather and what's going on in Las Vegas. I finally found one, so today was the first day I used that radio and I worked better, didn't dwell on so much loss and desperation and really felt good when I got home. No tears in the car while driving. I wasn't running into the house and crying because of each moment I missed Billy and was reminded about those days.

Just a small factor but my eyes are open and I found out I was my own worst enemy. I still plan on going to the Grief program because I truly feel I need to talk to someone not just type on the computer. I've always been a people person and sitting in an office not talking to anybody for 8 hours is torture to me. I need the people contact, another factor in my depression. Do you see the puzzle coming together? I really opened my eyes.....

Its a good moment for me and I'm glad I have this site to talk and share. Sometimes it takes another set of eyes to see what's right in front of your own face. That's what we do in accounting when it just doesn't add up. Bring in a fresh set of eyes. So I thank all the eyes and hearts on this site who have pointed out something that I originally didn't see.
I knew something was wrong but I couldn't see it.

I truly feel like I've taken a good step forward. I have another interview tomorrow with another company that will put me in a position of working directly with people around me, customers and vendors. Keep your fingers and toes crossed for me.

Wow, I'm sitting here and its really, really a good moment for me now and even though I miss Billy and his smile and my heart aches I can go to bed tonight with a calmness in my heart because my eyes are open and I can now see what direction I need to go. I'm not floundering and drowning. The waters have lessen, the current slowed and I'm moving forward.
1 step, 1 breath at a time ~ 1 year :)

Comments for A Key Factor in Depression to Me ~

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Jul 13, 2011
key factors
by: Judy


Hooray for you and your insight. It's little insights like this that add up, cause you to change or alter your behavior and eventually move toward a happier self. I also had to rid myself of music that reminded me of my Barry and I actually tossed out DVDs and went shopping with the express purpose of buying something to sing along to in the car that was not "our music". These days I'm channeling Stevie Nicks alot.

Keep hanging in there, see your counselor/griefshare folks and believe that things will improve. This is the longest toughest thing I've ever done.


Jul 13, 2011
same story
by: Sad Mom

Reading your story is like reading my own. It has been 6 months for me since I lost my 28 yr old son. I took work in a office where it is quiet and sometimes I find myself running out of there to the bathroom to cry or as soon as I get in my car the tears start. I ask myself how I can keep going on this way - I read your story and I see shades of myself. One day soon I will write my story here instead of just commenting on others. I want to find myself on the path that you are on to recovery.

Jul 13, 2011
a key factor in depression to me
by: jules

Patricia - how wonderful to see you with eyes wide open, mind wide open, and taking steps to put yourself in a better place - I am so happy for you - we have been on this journey for a while now, and when each one of us takes a step in a good direction, we all feel heartened and encouraged.

Best of luck with the interview, your photo with your son is beautiful - remember, every day, one step, one breath - take care

Jul 13, 2011
~ ~ ~ bye to depression...
by: Lenora-Albuq. NM

Hi Patricia, I am sorry about your Billy.

That is a very nice picture of you and your son.

I have read many of your postings and you always write how I feel and what I think. Thank you for that. I have not posted my story, but it's been 2 months 13 days since I lost my Kevin. I still miss him so much.

I took your advice and changed the radio station for today, it helps a little. I'm still listening to the same radio station that Kevin and I listened to (actually, it was his station).

I am glad that you have had a break through and considering a support group. It makes me hopeful. I have been seeing a grief counselor for the last month now....because this "journey" is making me crazy, the counseling helps some.

Good luck on your job interview!

Jul 12, 2011
Be Strong!
by: Ruth

It will be four months on the 19th of July and each day I'm healing from the pain and hurt and I as you are doing will take one day at a time. I am working at this ministry center and every day is a mission started but never complete with new encounters, but when I see other other young men on the mission team that is the age of "My Only Begot" it brings joy, and I know that God feels my pain and it is through his love and comfort that I'm able to endure. You are not alone and may you continue to be strengthened.

Jul 12, 2011
A Key Factor
by: Mari

Patricia it sounds as if you have truly found what helps you to feel better. You are doing good. I realize everyone has their own way of coping. Since time does not stand still we just go on and call on our inner strength.
I really feel you are a courageous person and encourage everyone on the board.
I agree with what others have said about music often making one sad, too many memories. I do find that to be the case, not all music of course, mostly what we listened to together.
It will be 20 months on July 22 since my husband went to be with the Lord. I have so many pictures and always the one of him and I on my cell phone. I miss him but am doing a lot better. I pray a lot and I am busy with 2 jobs and fixing up the house.I have a big family,lots of grandchildren. My love for my husband will always be in my heart and I thank God for the years we had together. There are sad days. I had one yesterday. But today is a new day. I too am a people person on both jobs and that is my calling. Take care and keep posting. We care for you.

Jul 12, 2011
by: Shirley

I find that listening to music causes depression for me. I tend to tune into talk radio and that keeps me distracted. Also, looking at old pictures brings me way, way down. I've got a few of them framed and out on the tables but I don't go near the rest right now. I'm hoping that someday in the future I'll be able to look at them and laugh again instead of plunge into a deep depression. Yep....it's one step, one breath....we are different people now so different things will work for us. The old is gone....we have to deal with the new. Hugs cousin.

Jul 12, 2011
Eerything Factors In
by: Judith in California

Pt, what a lovely picture. I am glad you can see some of the influences that factor in towards your depression. I too am very taken in while listening to music and the words and there are a ton of songs I like from the era in which I met Chuck. even Nightfever by the Bee Gees will make me cry because that was the time we met and we went dancing . He was so handsome and we were 36 years younger. It's like time stood still and we are still there.

Anyway , I am glad you will still seek a support group so you won't feel so isolated. It helps a lot because I am a people person too.

Take care and let us know how you're doing Pat.

Jul 12, 2011
by: TrishJ

Good for you. People need people. You need to be around good people. I've such a hard time letting go of a lot of our old possessions. I feel better with the new things I've surrounded myself with. We have to let go. It's just so damn hard. I love the picture of you and your son.
Keep up the good work. I can really see myself back sliding the past few weeks. I'm going to join another of the Grief Share groups. I'm not ready to take the training wheels off yet.
Good luck with the job interview. You know what they say....half the battle is admitting there is a problem. You are definitely headed in the right direction.

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