A Key Factor in Depression to Me ~
Me & My Son
I'm always trying to look at myself, my feelings, where my thoughts come from regarding Billy and how they effect me. I know I have a different life than we planned so it is what I make of it. No one else can predict, promise or make me do anything I don't want to. This is "MY" life now. I've been drowning in pain and despair so much lately so I asked myself what am I doing or what has changed to bring me so far down in the depths of desperation? I thought, goodness, everything was better 7 months ago compared to now. What happened?
A thought came to me, I sit in an office that has no sound, no background noise, were talking you could hear a pin drop it so quiet. I thought I was going to go crazy with so much silent. I was told I could listen to my I pod so a least I would have some kind of background noise. Here's where the Factor of Depression showed its ugly head. All the music that I was listening to reminded me in each song something about what was "OUR" life. So each day I listened I climbed back into the hole of pain, missing, wanting, crying, you name it I hit all the emotions you could think of. I was a basket case by the time I drove home and all I did was cry everyday.
What I originally wanted was a little Ipod radio so I could listen to a different range of music, there's talking about the news (sometimes that sucks), weather and what's going on in Las Vegas. I finally found one, so today was the first day I used that radio and I worked better, didn't dwell on so much loss and desperation and really felt good when I got home. No tears in the car while driving. I wasn't running into the house and crying because of each moment I missed Billy and was reminded about those days.
Just a small factor but my eyes are open and I found out I was my own worst enemy. I still plan on going to the Grief program because I truly feel I need to talk to someone not just type on the computer. I've always been a people person and sitting in an office not talking to anybody for 8 hours is torture to me. I need the people contact, another factor in my depression. Do you see the puzzle coming together? I really opened my eyes.....
Its a good moment for me and I'm glad I have this site to talk and share. Sometimes it takes another set of eyes to see what's right in front of your own face. That's what we do in accounting when it just doesn't add up. Bring in a fresh set of eyes. So I thank all the eyes and hearts on this site who have pointed out something that I originally didn't see.
I knew something was wrong but I couldn't see it.
I truly feel like I've taken a good step forward. I have another interview tomorrow with another company that will put me in a position of working directly with people around me, customers and vendors. Keep your fingers and toes crossed for me.
Wow, I'm sitting here and its really, really a good moment for me now and even though I miss Billy and his smile and my heart aches I can go to bed tonight with a calmness in my heart because my eyes are open and I can now see what direction I need to go. I'm not floundering and drowning. The waters have lessen, the current slowed and I'm moving forward.
1 step, 1 breath at a time ~ 1 year :)