A kind of closure

by Judy
(Rockledge FL)

It's Memorial Day Weekend, another hated long and lonely holiday weekend with no Barry, no family, no cookouts etc.

I was morosing around the house feeling sorry for myself, getting depressed and teary when my eye fell upon a book that was given to me by by grief share leader. It has small one page discussion of a topic on grief and a scripture which applies to the discussion. I started reading at random and came across the section on closure and letting go. It said that releasing is not forgetting, it is the act of setting free. It said that moving on means you have to acknowledge that things will never be the same and that you WANT to go forward with your life. For me that has been the hardest thing-wanting to go forward. Oh I certainly want to keep living but I just didn't like what I was looking at, alone, lonely, missing half of myself.

Today it clicked with me that I will never lose the best parts of Barry. I will always have the things he taught me, to see the glass as half full, to look at life as an adventure, to make plans but remember that anything can happen at any time and when you least expect it, to have faith that the Lord will take care of you. When I look at these things I see that he was trying to teach me to be free from worry, doubt and carrying the past with me. I can go into the future, still unknown to me, without fear. Certainly the past has influenced who I am, but I see it now as a series of events that taught me things, not something that is being hauled behind me like an anchor. What a gift.

The little prayer at the bottom of the page says, " Lord, I do not want to forget the past but I cannot live there either. Amen."



Comments for A kind of closure

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May 31, 2011
Lessons Learned
by: TrishJ

I was truly touched by your post. My two adult children have been reminding me lately of the life's lessons my husband taught them. Joe was the most positive minded person I've ever met. He stayed positive until the end. He always told both of our children to follow their dreams.
My son told me he felt his dad's loving spirit last week as he decided to leave a job that he had worked at for 16 years (he started as a teenager~worked there through college and remained there until last week). The doors that have opened for him in the past week are phenomenal. He told me one week prior to his dad passing they had a conversation together. Joe said, "Son...you're doing OK at your present job. You're doing good. We didn't raise good, we raised great." These words were spoken to him in a dream again a few weeks ago. He found the courage to get out of an average situation to move onto something that is bringing him great excitement and joy. He will be helping others in this new endeavor, his life's passion.
This has made me think about what I want to do with the rest of my life. I'm 58 and have a lot of spark left in me. I'm really working hard to pull myself out of the muddy grief pit. I miss my husband so much but I know I have to do what he would want me to.... follow my dreams, follow my passion.
Blessings Judy. Thanks for your uplifting post.

May 31, 2011
Our new lives...
by: Hope


The future no longer scares me. I know that I can do this. It does not make it any easier though. I need to set Paul Free and myself too in order to grasp the future. Not easy though.

He will always be part of my past not my regrets. Knowing in the end he would have died at an early age would not have stopped me from loving him any less.

I used to feel him near think that he was some how looking over me. I no longer feel that though I want to. It's as if he has moved on to where ever people go after checking on loved ones on earth to make sure they are going to be o.k.

I am trying to do the things that I have always wanted to but never got around to concerts perhaps a shrimp fest this weekend, whatever I can think of within budget. But doing it with my 13 year old is definitely not the same. My old set of friends have drifted off, going on with their lives and I do not blame them. It is a lonely existance and I will welcome conversation where I can find it.

I took off to FLA. Last Summer I do not know what this Summer will bring. I am willing to do anything but bungee jump so things are possible. I just need to be patient I suppose and allow things to happen in its own good time. You can not force friends but just be ready and open for it. The loneliness is one of the hardest things to conquer during acceptance.

I also can not live in the past and will welcome the future whatever it may bring. My best to you always...

May 30, 2011
a kind of closure
by: jules

Judy - don't those words just say what we feel - "I don't want to forget the past, but I don't want to live there either"
- wow - I will never forget John, he was too big a part of my life for that - but I can't live the life we had together either. I have to live my life, a lot of it with the things I learned from him, the things I learned to love, my beautiful children and grandchildren.
I need to be able to talk about him, and the grandchildren are great for that - the other day they got kites in a show bag, which started a hilarious discussion by them on the time Grandad took them out with kites - which lead on to other stories of fun times with their grandad - it was so good to laugh with them and my daughter about John - who would do anything for and with the kids -
I miss him every day - but one step, one breath gets me started on MY day.
take care

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