A kind of closure
It's Memorial Day Weekend, another hated long and lonely holiday weekend with no Barry, no family, no cookouts etc.
I was morosing around the house feeling sorry for myself, getting depressed and teary when my eye fell upon a book that was given to me by by grief share leader. It has small one page discussion of a topic on grief and a scripture which applies to the discussion. I started reading at random and came across the section on closure and letting go. It said that releasing is not forgetting, it is the act of setting free. It said that moving on means you have to acknowledge that things will never be the same and that you WANT to go forward with your life. For me that has been the hardest thing-wanting to go forward. Oh I certainly want to keep living but I just didn't like what I was looking at, alone, lonely, missing half of myself.
Today it clicked with me that I will never lose the best parts of Barry. I will always have the things he taught me, to see the glass as half full, to look at life as an adventure, to make plans but remember that anything can happen at any time and when you least expect it, to have faith that the Lord will take care of you. When I look at these things I see that he was trying to teach me to be free from worry, doubt and carrying the past with me. I can go into the future, still unknown to me, without fear. Certainly the past has influenced who I am, but I see it now as a series of events that taught me things, not something that is being hauled behind me like an anchor. What a gift.
The little prayer at the bottom of the page says, " Lord, I do not want to forget the past but I cannot live there either. Amen."