A little girl, not so little, who lost her dad.

by Itzel

Hi. My name is Itzel and I lost my dad to pancreatic cancer almost two months ago. I did not cry badly at his funeral, as in a way I was able to help him go by telling him that me and my mom wanted him to rest, that he had been an excellent father, but that we did not want to see him undergo so much pain. He was diagnosed in January and left us by March, which indeed was a blessing, for he did not suffer long. He was a physician and refused to take a CT scan until it was too late, for his pain began showing since April 2013. I got really mad at him for not taking this test, but pancreatic cancer is only curable in 5% of cases, so maybe this was bound to happen anyway.
I am a teacher assistant in college, and giving classes and having students that depend on me teaching has undoubtedly given me strength to get out of bed. Arranging all the bureaucratic stuff that has to be done due to my dad's passing has also had the effect of making me and my mom take a shower and hit the road.
Pain has been increasing but I can't cry. Sometimes I feel like I just didn't care about him dying and this makes me feel bad because I want him to know that I did love him. I'm mad at everyone for carrying on, mad at the world for looking the exact same way it did before he died. I am mad at myself because I have seen other people grieving lose weight or have significant physical changes. I have had none, I'm still the same.
Sometimes it feels like he was just a dream, and sometimes it feels like I am currently living on a nightmare. The reality of his passing has not yet, I believe, punched me in the face.
I know it is all perfectly normal, but I don't feel OK with this. People telling me it'll take time, that I will feel this and that, but I don't think anyone understands, and neither I want them to. So this is just a summary of the craziness going around in my head. Thank you for reading and I'm sorry if I made grammar mistakes, English is not my first language.

Comments for A little girl, not so little, who lost her dad.

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May 23, 2014
I've lost my wonderful dad too
by: Anonymous

I also have just lost my father to pancreatic cancer, I feel exactly the same as you. I was so close to my dad my whole life, he was a wonderful father and friend. I just can't believe he isn't coming back! I feel totally crazy too, as when I have lost other relatives I went through the what you would think is normal trail of events, disbelief, sadness, anger then healing, this time I am nothing like it, I can be crying terribly one minute then watch television the next, I am talking to him all the time and I honestly feel that I just can't accept it so I keep pushing to the back of my brain. I never normally write on these sites but after reading your words just wanted you to know that there are people feeling exactly the same. I wish you strength.

May 14, 2014
A little girl, not so little, who lost her dad.
by: Doreen UK

Itzel you are not expected to know what grief feels like till it happens. When it does it is the worst experience ever to go through. None of us here on this sight thought we would be able to carry on with living. But as each day unfolded we braced the pain and hoped it would soon go. I lost my husband to lung cancer 2yrs. ago. He worked with Asbestos and ended up with a rare and serious inoperable, incurable, aggressive and terminal cancer. His tumour grew inside the lining of his lungs for 40yrs. NO CURE.
With grief a person can be in DENIAL, NUMB, DISBELIEF, SHOCK, DESPAIR, and many more emotions. No two grief's are ever the same so don't compare yourself to anyone else. I couldn't function for 6 months. I was numb. Most of us have no control over grief. It unfolds as it does. Worst case scenario is to REPRESS GRIEF. When grief is repressed it is harder and more painful to deal with. Many people need the support of a grief counsellor to help them cope with grief they cannot understand. The healthiest part of grief is CRYING. Cry as much as you are able to and don't stop, thinking that it is wrong. It is NORMAL. This is where your healing comes from. IT HURTS SO BAD. None of us want to feel like this. The best way forward is ONE DAY AT A TIME. Grief can also cause us to look within and find failings in ourselves and then many of us feel GUILTY. This is also Normal. It soon passes. It is an aspect of grief. My sister's husband did not grieve for his mother and father who died more than 30yrs. ago. Now he is ill he is feeling his grief over the loss of his parents. Grief repressed eventually starts pressing for resolution as one gets older. But this time it is compacted and harder to resolve and more painful. I myself had to go into counselling in my 40's and resolve by losses I didn't deal with because I didn't know how to. It was painful, but worth it for the Healing I now have. If you are struggling you may benefit from a few sessions with a grief counsellor to support you and help you through your loss and grief of your father. Life does get easier in time. May God come close to you and your family and comfort you with God's Peace and Love.

May 14, 2014
Dear Itzel,
by: Anonymous

I am sorry for the loss of your father. I lost my father a little over a year ago, and it has been a very, very emotional time. He died suddenly, so there was no chance to say goodbye. Each of us grieves in our own way.I grieve differently than my mother, and what works for her doesn't seem to work for me. Some days I feel like I have finally gotten through the darkest days, and then the next day I am back to feeling awful. At times I feel like I am living two lives -the one where I am alone and left without my father, and the other where life goes on, and I have to carry on for my family. Take each day as it comes, one day at a time, and be kind to yourself. Reading the posts on this website has helped me a great deal because everybody here understands your emotions - it is a very compassionate place and a space where you can reach out for any support that you need. I hope you can find some comfort here and peace in the days ahead. Barb

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