A little glimpse of hope...

by Vickie

It was two yr's and 3mo's ago that my beautiful daughter was killed. I am sitting in the same spot writing this, that I received the call that changed my life forever. I could have never imagined 27mo's ago that I would be here doing this. That my life would go on, and that I would still be able to function. That first year was just overwhelming. Trying to wrap my mind around what had happened. To accept she was gone..forever. The second year I had thought would be a bit easier-little did I know that the shock would wear off and the reality of her not being here would sit in. The numbness was fading. I believe it was more difficult because I honestly thought more of my friends and family would be more supportive. I did have some support and still have a couple of good friends that are always there, if I need them. As time went by I started realizing death is uncomfortable and awkward for most people and they drift away fearful it may be contagious. In reality what person wants to hear you talk about your loss, heartache and the overwhelming darkness you feel on a regular basis? It is almost more than we can manage. I am grateful to the friends and family that have reached out to me. I am still grieving and I believe I will always have grief, but I can say that I am having better days than I did a year ago. I see glimpses of my old self every now and then. I have genuinely found myself smiling and laughing again. I know my life will Never be the same. I would give anything to have my daughter back but I can't. I still have days that are overwhelming and can hit me hard, but I know that there is Hope of finding a little bit of peace again. That there is light amongst all the darkness. I realize that even after all I have lost that life is still valuable. I have a friend that is fighting breast cancer and she is literally fighting to just wake up and have one more day.. I want to see my baby again but until God calls me home I have to believe life is still worth living and do the best I can.

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Jan 15, 2012
in Response to- Hanging on by a Thread)
by: Anonymous

This is in response to (Hanging on by a thread
by: Anonymous)
I just lost my nephew of 24ys on Dec 31st. While my brother and his wife have raised their two children there has been an ocean (the Pacific) in be-tween. I lost my husband ironically, to a drug overdose when my two boys -youngest was only 2mnths, and the older 2yrs. It was horrible losing him an took over a year to deal with the grief and sorrow! Now, I'm so worried about my brother..they invested the world into their son an daughter while I on the other hand couldn't give mine much in material value. There is a difference in that God has to come in at some point. I invited Christ in when my oldest was an infant but was only able to grow in that knowledge after my husband's death. Now, that difference..is that God must take over the reigns where the sorrow is turned around..it will leave you bitter and turned inward with nothing to give anyone. He is the only one who can restore..who can build your life up again. You must trust him though.
The joy of the Lord is your strength. In Him-

Dec 05, 2011
Hanging on by a thread
by: Anonymous

I lost my son 27 months ago. They still can't tell me if it was murder or suicide. My entire world shattered. The grief is still so intense. I miss him and cry daily. My husband and I were going through a divorce at the time. It was and still is a very nasty situation.I had my family. We were always very close. I couldn't have survived without them. They took over my life, took care of my daughter (20), while I sat in a dark, silent house for months. My home sold and I had to be out. Time went on, I stayed with friends and family waiting for the divorce to finalize. Last January, my brother's girlfriend, another friend and I planned a trip to Hawaii in May. I said from the beginning that I would be at my son's grave on his birthday. They booked the tickets ON his birthday and a hotel room for TWO. They wanted me to "catch up" and find my own room. I was devastated! I was so angry and full of rage, I lashed out at everyone.My entire family has disowned me. I had 18 months to grieve and then was supposed to be normal. I am so alone. I have my daughter. Her father refuses to help her with anything. She's having a hard time. He is 55 and has a pregnant 33 year old girlfriend with 3 teenage boys who he is helping to support but won't give his own daughter a dime. I'm still homeless, living with my daughter, sleeping on the floor in her storage room while my ex has a beautiful home. I've supported my daughter for the past year. My money is gone. The anger eats me up. I can barely take care of myself. I feel like everyone hates me and I have more knives in my back than I can count. I've tried and tried to apologize, but my family won't have anything to do with me. I have a couple of friends, but everyone has faded away. I can't do this any longer. I want to die. I lost my entire life. I don't understand how they could shut me out. I don't know what to do. I have no one left. I know I'm a burden to my daughter, even though I pay all her bills and sleep on her floor. I'm so LOST! I don't know how to process all of this RAGE. I never want to leave the house. It's hard to smile. I hate everyone and everything. I feel like such a victim. I'm constantly asking, "how could they do this to me? Why can't they understand how much I hurt?" I can't function. I have no closure on how my son died. I'm having to go to the FBI now. It's much more than I can handle.I agonize alone every day. My son was a hero! He did a year in Iraq and one in Afghanistan. He was amazing! I miss his smile, laugh and everything about him. I miss how he would take control. He would never allow his dad to treat his sister this way...making her feel so rejected and replaced by strangers, while she struggles to survive. The ache in my chest is so strong.I want it all to end.Everyone I love has replaced me with someone else. The thought of my ex having another son who looks like MY son is enough to kill me!

Nov 20, 2011
Thank you!!!!!!!!
by: Peggy


I want to thank you for your responce on my pain,
wow you also have had it so hard, No one understands, you are so correct on friends you thought where your friends not wanting to talk,
The pain is so overwhelming at times, I just cant get it out of my mind, that my husband has passed away & the way it happened, I really do not see my self ever ever getting better,, How?? I love him more ever day. Your daughter I am so sorry!!!
I really pray I can be as strong as yourself.

Thank You!!!!!

Nov 19, 2011
I hope I was some help to You
by: Anonymous

Sorry for your loss Its hard. I lost my Husband 22months ago and I know how You feel about wanting to be your old self again I feel like that @ times too where I just want to be normal again back to my old self. Any my 1st year was awful this year has been awful too I hope My 2nd year is better I have no real support from my Family Just my True Friends and sometimes i feel abandoned by one of my Friends I care soo much for her. I dont know why I felt abandoned by her a couple of times Am I the only one that ever felt this way about a Friend I just want to be loved and Accepted I guess cause Her and I text alot and theres times that I hate to stop texting her we got into an disagreement a month ago and it tore me up but we forgave each other I never meet her in person yet shes my sponcer in my home Bussiness she lives in a different State and she has wall built shes only close to her Family. Well.... My Preacher spoke about loveing other people A Friend Loveth @ all Times!!!! It appeared what my parents told me growing up LOve Is all ill ever Know cz thats all I ever seen in my childhood with my parents so I call mysellf Blessed! Anyhow she must not know how to love other peole outside of her Family I fully believe that God put Me in her life for a reason. Love Is risky folks Im learning that real fast cz I always seem to get hurt but thats part of life none of us live a perfect life but without God We're nothing.I lost 26 pounds and getting my health back all cz of good Nutition I love Herbalife!!!!!!!!! I love to help people so if any of You want more info of just Need to talk Please feel free to e-mail me @ savedchild2002@yahoo.com! God Bless!

Nov 19, 2011
Thanks For The Hope
by: TrishJ

Thank you for your beautiful heart felt post. This grief thing is really a lot of work. It will be one year for me in two weeks that I lost my husband. I have spent the last 11 1/2 months grieving for my old life. I'm not grieving for the last three years of my husband's life (he was so ill and be both fought such a battle to keep him here) but my old life. I look back on the days when we were both so carefree, happy, having a good time. I've had to wrap my mind around the fact that those days are gone forever. I'll never be that person again.
I love and miss my husband so much. I think you are right about the reality setting in. I'm so down on myself because I think I should be further ahead than I am on this grief journey. I still have days when the least little thing sets me off and I'm on a two hour non stop crying jag. Other days I think, "I can do this."
I pray for all of us on this site. It is so hard to let go of someone we loved so much, still love. I think you are very brave and your words sure hit home to me.
We have to believe that we will be reunited with our loved ones some day. We just have to do our best until that day comes. Stay close to God and hope.
God bless you Vicki.

Nov 19, 2011
Glimpse of hope
by: M Mack


Thanks for sharing your feelings and perspective for going through the 2nd year of grief. I am in the 14th month and all I do is think about my lost love. The memories never leave you and the want for the past is always there. Your right about giving anything just to have a glimpse of when you had the life you miss so much. So many days of wanting something I can not ever have again in this life. I'm not the same person and wish I had more of my old self. We have to do with what God has given us. Pray in thanks that we made it this far and one day, we will know why we were dealt this heartache. Thanks for writing and sending my hope for light and love. We have proven we are survivors.

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