A long painful journey
Reading everyone's stories here has given me the courage to put my own down for the record. My tale of woe begins, if I'm honest, when I first married 29 years ago. I 'endured' 25 years of giving absolutely everything I had into making it work before I, emotionally, physically, and mentally exhausted, and with deep and profound regret was forced to admit defeat. My marriage was a mistake. I learned that much the hard way. It was very controlling in that I was never allowed to make any decisions concerning joint matters whatsoever. Whether big or small not only did my husband always, without fail, have the final say on every single matter but I was not even afforded the courtesy of having my view listened to or considered for a single moment.
The only contribution I was ever allowed to make on anything was a financial one. I earned more than him so paid for more--that much was allowed! To sum things up quickly-the first house 'we' purchased when we married was chosen and the sale agreed to, by my ex husband, without me having seen it at all. It was then furnished and decorated in its entirety with my ex's choice of décor but with my funds. I recall spending a day off making one pair of curtains with material I bought as I'd fallen in love with and, sad as it sounds now, getting ridiculously excited about doing something myself for once. It was short lived excitement as on my ex's return from work I was forced to take them down and replace them with some plain dark brown ones which were his choice.
'Our' first car -again the only thing that was mine about it was that I'd paid for it-was chosen by my ex husband despite the fact it was supposed to be for both of us and was of a make I particularly did not want.
Our second home was, again, chosen by my ex husband not only without me seeing it but with my express wish not to move on any account at the time- known to him. This time not only did I, desperately, not want to move but I particularly didn't wish to move to the other end of the country when I was 8 months pregnant with my first baby and be forced to leave my job, family, friends, home, and everything that was familiar to me but as usual attempts at discussion were stomped on mercilessly. Resistance was futile.
Hopefully if anyone's bothering to read this far, you're getting the picture by now.
The most painful part of my marriage was the fact that, although we had two sons I love very, very, much indeed I had always wanted another baby. Initially my ex had agreed and then decided against it and expected me, with no further discussion to just shut up about it. That was so painful but the pain was to worsen when I found myself pregnant anyway with what would have been our third child -I was overjoyed but as he regarded it as a mistake he became extremely angry with me about it and yelled at me for three long months about it. As a result instead of blossoming as I should have been I became an emotional, mental, and physical wreck. I later found out colleagues at work were seriously concerned for me. Consequently, I feel sure, I lost my baby at 12 weeks and knew my last chance was gone.
So, finally, actually on our 25th wedding anniversary (both sons grown up and flown the nest) when I'd tried to put things right by booking a cosy holiday away -but he wouldn't speak to me or touch me the whole time. I decided my marriage had to be ended now and from now on I would put my energies into my future.
Now I have my own flat, car, and am in charge of my own life. I'm 52 now It's been four years since I took the plunge to leave him and I have healed so much in that time, all the hurt, feelings of bitterness and despair and wasted time had left me in peace and I finally felt strong enough to look into dating again.
I tried the online thing, a site recommended by work colleagues. I had a few unsuitable dates before I thought I had met someone wonderful. I fell deeply in love with him- for the first time I guess. With my husband I hadn't felt like this and there hadn't been anyone before my husband. Seven months on I thought things were going so well. I constantly felt like I couldn't believe how lucky I was. I thought things were as near to perfect as they could be. Then last week he dumped me out of the blue and it's left me totally devastated. I can't believe how much pain I feel. Physically, in the chest, it just hurts so much! With my ex it was a long drawn out pain so that when I left my recovery started but this is a sudden acute pain and the shock has hit me like a ton of bricks. The worst thing is I feel used by him. I have always believed in the sanctuary of marriage ie no sex out of marriage or at least a committed relationship, a pledge to be faithful for life. I thought this is what I had with my ex 'boy'friend. Last time I saw him I was at his house and we'd been out as usual and we had made love when I started feeling very unwell--I felt so bad I asked him if he could take me home-which he did. He took me home, and immediately left without a word. I recall making it to my couch and then passing out, I think, I was out all that day and all night and came too on the afternoon of the following day. It was exhaustion due to work commitments I think. Anyway two days on I still hadn't heard from him, I thought it a little unkind not to enquire as to my well being! I could have been dead for all he knew and the way I'd felt I almost was! I tried contacting him a few times with no luck. Then, out of the blue, I was dumped by him-via a text message.
It's seriously the biggest regret of my life that we slept together. I feel I have let the standards I have had for life down, and let myself down and won't ever do that ever again. He said he loved me he said he wanted to grow old together, I took it is as a lifelong commitment to me and now he's dumped me with no explanation whatsoever. I feel like everything, this new life I had and felt proud of myself for achieving finally, is totally ruined now.