A long time ago

by Lea

When my mom died, I was 8 years old. She suffered from skin cancer, from a malignant melanoma.
8 Years have passed since the day she died but somehow I'm not able to get over her. To really let her go.
After she died I can't remember grieving. I can't remember the first christmas we spent without her. I can't remember as much as I want to.
I guess I repressed my feelings. I also never talked about her. With anyone. Not with my dad, or my brother or any family member. Once I talked to my best friend about it, but only because I was drunk and got nostalgic...
Recently I found out that she killed herself. She had cancer and I guess she would have died soon anyway, but still. She killed herself. My mother committed suicide.
After I discovered that I was devastated for a long time. I still am. It's not something you can just forget.
In some ways it haunts me. It follows me in my dreams. I can't fall asleep. I don't know what to do and what to feel, I'm angry and mad but on the other hand I understand her, and I'm sad....I just miss her.

Comments for A long time ago

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Dec 21, 2013
A long time ago
by: Jean

I lost one son to suicide after suffering from 2 botched surgeries in 2011 then just last month another son from cancer. I am 84 yrs. old and have lost so many of my family that it seems I hurt too much of the time.....but..... you can beat this problem you have with your Mom's death. Get help soon! And put your trust and hand in Jesus'too. He will be there with you. I understand!!

Dec 20, 2013
A long time ago
by: Doreen UK

Lea I a sorry for your loss of you mom to cancer. It is not uncommon to repress one's feelings of death and dying when they were as young as you were. Only problem is that when feelings and emotions are repressed it is much more painful to deal with and almost always needs professional help to resolve. It is very possible if you stick with any counselling that you will come through this and You won't believe how good you can feel and get your life back. I DID IT. I repressed my feelings for 40yrs. I didn't know how to cope with my feelings and so it came natural to just ignore them without thinking. "Where do my feelings go?" Well they go underground and when one matures these repressed feelings start pressing for resolution. Suicide is stigmatised, but not so much as in years gone by. My nephew of 30yrs. through himself under an express train 8yrs. ago and our world fell apart. My sister needed a counsellor to come to her home and pick up the pieces of a broken person. She has recovered to a degree and coping with life and supporting other people. Counselling will help you work through suicide and is almost always needed by the type of death. You are traumatised. Don't live this way as you are limiting your life. You can get your life back and be happy again. You won't ever forget your mother, but you will think of her in a different way as the healing process starts. TAKE ONE DAY AT A TIME. This is how I get through my day after losing my husband to cancer 19 months ago. This is a horrible disease and I watched my husband die a slow painful death, over 3yrs. of suffering. so I can understand why someone might want to take their own life in their hands and end their suffering. I hope you get the support you need. You are still haunted by what happened. Your facing AMBIVALENCE and needs the professional help of a good counsellor who understand working in this area. I was in this place. After counselling I got my life back in ways I couldn't believe. I am a whole person now for the first time. You can recover from grief.

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