A Loss That Feels Greater Than Death


I feel I have been grieving for the past two years. First I lost my career. I worked hard for 10 years, passing up vacations and fun free time to get ahead and prove myself only to get the rug ripped out from under me when my contract was changed and I had to apply for my job. A less qualified younger student was hired to fill my position and I was asked to train her. I was 5 months pregnant at the time. Then, 3 weeks before my first son was born my house was destroyed in a flood. I was out if my home for the first 6 months of my baby's life and living in a hotel when he was born. My beloved dog and first Mother's Day gift died at the boarding facility during this time. My dear friend and office mate of nearly 9 years became suddenly ill with cancer and died during this time. I was rear ended in a 4 car collision where all four cars were totaled with my 7 month old baby in the car. I had several months of rehabilitation. Now, I've just found out as my second son turns ten months old that my husband has had 4 affairs over the last year, all starting before the birth of my second son when I was put on bed rest.

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Jun 25, 2013
Dear Albuquerque,
by: Pat in Missouri

Words cannot express how difficult your story was to read and how much it touched me. I can see why your many losses feel even worse than death. Your life has been a series of tragedies. You definitely need to see a counselor right away. Do not make "I don't have the money for that" an excuse. Go to a local mental health agency.

It is not fair that all of this has happened to 1 person. I have felt that way myself after losing 3 loved ones in 5 months in 2011. I have decided I have to reinvent myself. I did this once before, many years ago after a divorce. My ex treated me like dirt. He kept hitting me. I filed for divorce, but everywhere I went, I kept running into my ex-in-laws, who were very cold towards me. Long story short, I moved. I totally left the area and moved across the state. I had to learn how to do everything on my own. I had to become totally independent again. This was so difficult, after being married and doing everything with my spouse for the past 9 years, but I still say this was the best thing I ever did for myself.

I am not trying to tell you what to do, but since you have survived sooo much, it is obvious you are a very strong woman. It is up to you as to how to move forward. The past cannot be changed. Your husband took advantage of the time you needed to rest, while pregnant with his child and continues to cheat on you. He is a jerk! With your strength, you can move on without him. Get rid of him. I know that sounds blunt, but he will not change. He has shown a total lack of respect for you and the vows you both took. You are much better than this. If you file for divorce first, you are more likely to have the upperhand in negotiations, such as child custody. Get an attorney who will make your husband pay for all the legal costs. It worked for me. He certainly has not shown to be much of a father figure.

You lost your job. However, it sounds like you have some strong skills or your company would not have asked you to train your own replacement. What a lousy employer! You might have grounds for a lawsuit. I know you have been badly injured in that car accident. Will you be getting any compensation from that? I am trying to think of new financial supports for you, as you transition from life with a spouse to being on your own with 2 young children. Go to your local employment office for job searching help. Local colleges will also have job leads. If you are disabled, file for SSD.

When you take action, 1 step at a time, you will start to feel stronger and will gain self-empowerment. You can do this. You will be able to reinvent yourself and start all over. Then, when things feel much better, write a book about how you overcame losses greater than death. I am not kidding. You could sell millions with all you have been through. I send you many hugs and blessings. Please write back and tell me how you are doing. You may write to me directly at pmehan@msn.com. Pat

Jun 25, 2013
A Loss that Feels Greater than Death
by: Doreen U.K.

I am sorry for all these losses in your life. The loss of a job is quite a major loss in one's life. All the injustice that goes with it I can identify with. To lose a home is also another major loss because we all need a roof over our head and when anything interferes with this it will also leave us feeling insecure. To lose a friend when you need one is also devastating as we all need friendships in life and were not meant to live in isolation.
The big one is when you find out your husband/partner in life is having an affair. It will make you feel as if an explosion has gone off in your life and left you so wounded you feel you will never recover. It will also make you feel so insecure. I hope that you have a good supportive family and friends to help you at this time whilst you take time to process what you are going to do. How you move beyond this will be a painful process. When someone dies it is difficult to cope but is somehow more accepting. When a marriage/relationship ends it is harder because that person is still alive. Other things are thrown into the mix. "Why?" "Was I not good enough for him?" "How could he do this to me and our son?" there will 1001 questions fill your mind. It is hard work trying to find the answers. I was married for 44yrs. and just lost my husband 14 months ago to cancer. The only benefit to losing him in death is that I didn't lose him to another woman. This would hurt more. Life is full of trials. Often it will feel like you have got more than you can bear, can it get any worse? and often it does. Take time out for yourself and go see a counsellor and help grieve some of your losses and you will be able to think more clearly about your marriage and how you move forward. A counsellor may also be able to help you here to make the best decision for you and your son. When TRUST has gone out of a relationship it is hard work trying to rebuild it. But it is possible. Don't cancel out anything. Weigh up your marriage and see if it is worth saving and work from there. Often some men can't cope with the difficulties in life and they either have affairs or hit the bottle, they find some outlet and then make all the excuses. Just make sure you don't end up holding the problem as if you somehow caused it. There is never a reason for a man to have an affair. He should come clean. Accept responsibility and start behaving in a mature way. He has to set standards for his son. I can't expand here as I will run out of space. But I wish you well in how you cope with your losses.

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