A loving son and caregiver story for all to see, and hopefully understand.
by Mr. Dana
I am a mentally disabled 47 year old male who was 'brought-in' by 'the family' to help take care of mom, as she grew older and needed more assistance. I grew to call her "Ma" over the course of the last 2 1/2 years that we had been together, as a 'team' so-to-speak. "Ma" passed just two months ago in July of '09...three days after her 81st birthday.
Mom had become dizzy around February 23rd, and died exactly 5 months later at 1:30 a.m.. I had been 'beside her side' for the last seven months prior to her death, yet was just around the corner, at the sink, in the bathroom, of the nursing home room she had been in for about a month and a half when she took her last breath.
That really really sucked. After so long of a 'death watch' during her illness, I just had to wring-out the washcloth that I had been using to clean her face with at the wrong second. I know it's selfish sounding, but what a 'rip-off' that moment was. Why couldn't I have been holding her hand...not letting go at that point in time. She passed with me beside her as best as was meant to be maybe??
Yea right!! I'll never, never stop the tears over my mistake, and I hopefully will always remember that moment when I pronounced her, for there was no nurse around at the time. 1:30 a.m., and my "Ma" was gone. I then went to get a nurse, and to then call the family. Man this brings the tears to my eyes. It's hard to see the keyboard right now!!
One of the dilemmas that I am suffering from for awhile now is the fact that she IS GONE. It really is hard to imagine that she's not coming back, and that I can't even call her if I wanted to, as I have on so many occasion. My mind is, and has been preoccupied with her to the point that sometimes I feel that I've gone crazy. I do now know that this is part of the grieving process, but it's still overwhelming and all in compassing.
I can't seem to get anything done except for starting new projects concerning her, such as pictures, reading notations she made in the hospital, going from room to room in my apartment with too many thoughts racing thru my mind...as well as tears. God I miss my "Ma". I love her so much.
Life's not fair. Death's not fair. How will life be now that my role of caregiver is now also gone?? I am still 'caretaker' of some of her possessions, as well as memorial items that I have created since her passing. Passing to what???? Does she still know that I'm here?? We'll never know.
For now, all I can do is post tidbits at a time over these websites while at the library. I don't have my own access to 'the net'. The library is now closing, so I'll have to sign off for now. Tonight will be another in sequence of mourning and bereavement I guess. I hope that it goes well. It makes me nervous!!! Thank you so much for reading. Please send responses, and I can respond in kind. Thx again!!!