A New Beginning

by Kathy
(Ontario, Canada)

I lost my husband Kit in April 2011 to Lung Cancer after 39 years of marriage. He'd been seeing a doctor for back pain, and was being treated for sciatic for 3 months. The pain was just getting worse and worse. We even went on vacation the end of March on the Dr's advice as the sun and warmth would help so much. What a laugh. It was the worse vacation we ever had. Kit was in so much pain, we flew home early and got him into the clinic, where the doctor on call gave him some better meds. But, by the next day he asked to go to the hospital. The Emerg Dr. looked at him and talked to him for 5-10 minutes and knew there was something else going on. I am so angry with the GP - 3 long months, probably 10 visits or more and he did nothing!!! Kit was diagnosed the end of March and died April 9th - less than 2 weeks later. Seriously, 2 weeks!?!?! He was only 61 years old. We spent all our time together; we'd been each other's best friend for so long. It is so hard to start over at this point. He wouldn't want me not to, however.

The loneliness was almost unbearable the first few months. We?d been soul mates since I was 16. My kids were good though. They would stop by a lot, bring the grandkids, etc. They?d invite me along where ever they were going, just so you aren't sitting home alone. A pity invitation. I hated being the recipient of the pity invitation, but I would go. Anything but sit at home alone. But I don't want to be that woman, wallowing forever, depending on her children for everything, for a social life. I need to start again. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through.

Well, it's been 6 months - half a year without him. And I will admit, it is getting a bit better, at least by times. But oh, I miss him so much. I watch movies and read books, "they are still here, watching over you", yada, yada. I don't feel him here. I wish I did. I want so badly to believe that he's here. I talk to him sometimes, but it's just dead silence. Empty.

I guess a new life starts for me. A life without Kit. In June I joined a Bereavement Group for some counseling which I think helped. I've made some new friends, other women who have also lost their husbands. That has helped a lot. I know I can talk to them and they know how I'm feeling. So, I just take it one day at a time and see where I end up.