A New Me

by Debra
(Illinois )

What you see on the surface
Is not always what lies beneath
At first glance, I am me
The old me
The "I've got it together" me
I go to work, chatting it up with coworkers
Facing challenges,
Throwing out new ideas
Giving myself over to the task at hand
Around my children,
I share in their excitement
Of what their future holds
Weddings and babies
Travels and adventure
At home, in front of he who knows me best
My partner, my companion, my friend and lover
I try to remain whole
Going out for breakfast
Watching reruns of his favorite programs
Laughing at his expressions and humor
But it's not real,
It is a performance,
A tiresome charade
And I grow weary of it
Each day, the lines are rehearsed
The makeup is applied
And the role is fulfilled

Little do they know
There is an emptiness
That is present always
An internal anguish
Tormenting me
I prefer solitude and silence
I have become a new me
A quieter, sullen, more complacent me
I exist on the softer side of sorrow
A place without desire, passion or purpose
Where ambition and drive do not surface
Creativity and expression are only a means to an end
Written words unburden my heart
Freeing me to continue my dual lives
It is here where I get lost in my thoughts
Memories surface and sorrow has become an old friend
I know him well
Find comfort in him actually
He wraps me up like a wool blanket
The fibers irritating my raw skin
Yet always comforting
It is familiar to me now
It belongs to me
It is part of me
It is me, a new me

30 May 2013

Comments for A New Me

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Aug 02, 2013
by: Molly

I thank you for sharing your wonderful poem. This sounds so much like me in every way possible. Since my loss all I do is write, I write to others going through a similar grief. I write poetry in several different books and litter my I touch with sudden thoughts that invade my thoughts. I pretend everyday with everyone I meet and I wonder around wondering what is to become of me and who I really am. I think now I am so good at pretending that I am starting to believe it too. Then the reality comes once again in a sudden wave of emotion leading me back to the reality that is now the devastation that is now my life. It is so interesting when you find someone who get's who you are I guess it helps you to not feel so alone. I wish you well in your pretending and don't worry I am sure there are many others that are pretending too.

Jun 11, 2013
a new me
by: silver

How well put.Unless you have been there you don't realize that there are two of each one of us.The one we show to the world and the one inside.I talked to a therapist once about how I smiled and laughed at work.How I "carried on".She then asked me was that real or a fake.After I thought for a minute I realized it was a fake person.I hid my grief inside and tried to pretend that I was getting on and feeling much better.I wasn't.I am just now,at the 2 yr mark of my husband's death beginning to go on.I still feel grief.I still cry.I'm still lonely but,since I am retired,I don't have to be a fake anymore.Sometimes I find myself faking to make others feel better but I am finding myself now.I hope the same for you.GOD send you peace.I'll keep you in my prayers.

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