A new perspective

by Judy
(Rockledge FL)

Hi everyone it's Judy in Florida

Let me begin by saying that most of the healing I have done has been because of this site and the total acceptance and complete understanding you get here from others who are on this same rocky path of grieving.

I had a very bad holiday season, but believe as I always do that everything happens for a reason. Things seemed to start around the first of November when I fell into a really deep depression. I'm sure this was around the upcoming first anniversary of Barry's death on 11/27/10. I didn't go anywhere or ask to have my depression medication adjusted, I just kept on taking no positive steps to address these feelings. Then I caught bronchitis. Then I caught the stomach virus which was going around.

Long story short I ended up in the ER and then in the hospital for 12 days where they diagnosed me with an irregular heart beat and tried all sorts of things to get it back in rhythm, without success. While there I had exactly two visitors, one of whom was bringing me pajama bottoms. My friend from work resentfully took care of the dog for eight days before telling me I needed to put him in a kennel, which I arranged from the hospital bed. After seven days I finally had this same person call my daughter in LA who was now frantic because I didn't call her back. I was released 12/23 and she had to fly from CA to FL on Christmas Eve, completely ruining her holiday plans for the second year in a row.

I had plenty of time to think while I was hospitalized. It gave me a new perspective. I was so sick and depressed that I reached a point where it didn't matter to me if I was home or there-I didn't care. I now understood how Barry was so ill that he had the fight go out of him and how even in that state he thought of me first and tried to shield me from the reality.

I understood that I had to put myself first if I am to survive and go on in this "new life", and also that there was no other choice but to go on, that depression by itself is an illness not to be ignored and soldiered through. It gave me a new appreciation for family and true friends. All the support I got through those long days came from CA, and children and my best friend who called daily to encourage me. I need to be back there and somehow in 2011 I will achieve that.

To all my fellow travelers on this road, put yourself first. We are still living and our lost loved ones want us to be OK. Take depression seriously as an illness and get help. Begin to make decisions based on what you need, not what necessarily is the most practical, logical path. Be kind to yourself, for we are all still wounded and healing.

Thank you all for being here.

Comments for A new perspective

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Jan 04, 2011
a new perspective
by: jules

Judy - the heading on your post is what grabbed me first - that is what I have decided this year will have - a new perspective - I will put me first, not take on anyone elses' problems, I will listen, but not carry them with me.

It's not really a New Years resolution, but just a feeling I have that I am ready for me to be me now.

I wear a locket round my neck which contains some of my husbands ashes, and in the last 24 hours I have broken three chains, what does this mean - does it mean that it is time for me to really leave my old life behind - I don't know - time will tell.

Please get well, and look after yourself

one step, one breath -
take care
jules

Jan 02, 2011
New Perspective
by: Jeanne in CA

What a litany of awful things to go thru and making them worse is the holiday season is suppose to be a warm and fuzzy time. I read your entry and it gave me a real insight into how we who are left can beat ourselves up. I'm sure you will take all you've been thru to get back on the road again and see the positive side of life. Our honeys' lives ended...not ours, and we need to remember that. So, get healthy in mind and spirit and go for your plans to come to CA. What a great place to be. May 2011 see that happen.

Jan 02, 2011
I can go no further, so I shall travel up.
by:

Judy,

It is difficult to be able to tell where grief and depression separate. I know that I never wanted to join My Love in death. That was never an option.

I think there is a point, not where you come out of grief But where it has somehow changed into the absolute knowledge that this really IS the way it is and will remain.

My Love will always be missed. But I cannot stand the person that I have changed into because of grief. I have lost not only who I was but who I can become and that angers me.

Grief has ruled my life and emotions for a year. I can travel no further down, no lower than I have felt so it is time for me to try to work my up. There is no other direction left.

Wishing you the best on your upwards climb out of the hellish pit of grief.
HH

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