A New Year here, A New Year Gone

by Patricia
(Las Vegas)

My Guardian Angel, Watch Over Him Until Were Together

My Guardian Angel, Watch Over Him Until Were Together

I leave this year heartbroken and alone. My heart lonely wanting what it can't have. My soul searching for my love now gone. Words cannot describe the ache and longing I have for Billy. I drift through the days. Trying to figure out where I'm going and what I'm doing. Nothing compares for all I feel is lost and despair. I wait and hope I won't awake in the morning but I do ~ then wonder what will I do this day. Even watching TV disturbs any calmness I could be feeling because even the smallest thing brings me back to him . The tears are falling and so am I. Down, always down into the never ending pit of pain, anger, despair and wanting. Always wanting what I can no longer have. I've discovered at times the grief is more that I can bare. How can a person live like this? I remember back to the 1st days he was gone. I asked a friend, do you think the pain we feel at our lost is the same God felt when his only son was nailed on the cross? It's the only feeling that comes close. My faith is wavering but I don't know what to do.
I know for a fact that sleeping or drinking doesn't make things any better. I know at one time or another I've taken to some sort of drinking. I can't sleep forever and drinking makes the pain unbearable. So where do I go? A question I'm sure were all asking ourselves.
So I come here, the only place I know I can express myself and not worry about what I say. I just miss him so much and I don't know what to do. 6 months, 6 months and I feel like it been forever. I miss his smile, his touch and his kisses. The TV on a night and me telling him to turn it off because the light and noise is keeping me awake and I've got to go to work. I would gladly have that TV going all night and forever if I could have him back. I hate where I am and where I going. I just want someone to tell me why????? Explain this to me....
I guess this is what I'd call a major meltdown. New Years Day and now the year will be without him. Its unbearable but I have no choice so I will remind myself again and again ~ All I leave is my guardian to watch over him until were together
1 step, 1 breath at a time ~
to make it through the New Years without him ~

Comments for A New Year here, A New Year Gone

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Jan 04, 2011
The Bigger Picture
by: Anonymous

My Dear Friends,

I feel your pain, trust me, I do. I've buried both of my parents and thought that was awful. But nothing could prepare me for the death of my oldest son to suicide 5 years ago. I too, stumbled around for a long time - hating my life, everything. I wasn't the only one who lost. My husband lost his son and my youngest lost his brother. We all suffer.

It is hard to step back and look at the bigger picture. It took me a long time to get there and I am not suggesting that you get to this place, but let me just say it took God a long time to get my attention. I was too deep in grief to notice where He was; after all, He could have stopped him, right?

We can't change what has happened, though we would if given the opportunity. We'd trade places if necessary. But you are right to note that God knows our pain. He gave up His only Son so that we could choose eternity. See, He looks at this life as just a brief moment in time since a thousand years is as a day in His sight. We see 3 score and 10 and plan to live all of those years without mishap. But we must factor in that we live in an evil world. All kinds of disasters happen to people every day, we just don't want it to strike someone we love.

I kept asking, "Why, God? Why my child?" But then, would I want it to be someone else's child? The truth is we will all be in this "soup" together until Jesus returns which will be soon. That is my hope, my only hope. I plan to have all of eternity with the ones I love. Please don't give up. Please keep giving your pain to your Creator and ask Him to comfort you. He's good at that - better than any friend on earth. But I know we like to hear from someone "with skin on" who has been there. That is why we reach out here. We feel a kindred spirit among strangers who's tragedy makes us friends. Pain gives us a common bond.

God got me journaling and it became a book which is about to be published, praise His name! But He whispered to my heart that it was to be shared; that others needed to feel the pain and growth from my story. You can purchase later on Amazon or you can write me for an e-copy. I am happy to share. Afterall, it isn't about me. It's really about God and His awesome Love for you and me.You may write to me at "impossiblejoy@yahoo.com". Blessings, GT

Jan 03, 2011
I understand too
by: Jean

New here. Haven't signed up yet. But I feel all of your pain. I lost my dear husband November 23, 2010. My mother March 2, 2010 and my Father, October 16, 2010. I have never felt so alone in my life.

Jan 03, 2011
stay with us...
by: Lyn Ann

Hey Pat - stay with us. we all need you - we are in this together and all of us need one another to get through this. It is OK to question God, to ask why... the Bible is full of good people that questioned God, argued with God, railed against God.

I don't know why my Jim was taken. I do know that there were a hundred small miracles that happened over the time that he was sick - and that more happen to me now everyday. So I know that He is there, and he listens to my prayers. I don't know why my prayer for Jim's healing wasn't answered the way I thought it should be...

And I probably never will. So I pray that God will give all of us the strength to accept what is, and eventually to move into the light again.

Take care, Lynann

Jan 02, 2011
Same Feelings...
by: Cindy

Patricia,

Everything you said, I feel too. I have been crying all day long. My husband has just been gone one and a half months but it feels like eternity. I hate this feeling and I wish God had taken me instead of him. He was a wonderful person. I know what you mean when you would do anything to bring him back. I did the same thing, please turn the tv down... I would love to have him have it on now. Why does it have to be this way? It is not fair.

I don't know if I can continue on with this life. It is more than I can take... almost 35 years together and the bed is so lonely. I want him to hold me and tell me everything is going to be alright, but he never will again. It is the most painful thing I have every experienced. I miss his hugs, kisses and his love he gave me daily.

Cindy

Jan 02, 2011
I'm right there with you
by: Pam

I feel your pain, I am in the same spot as you. My husband passed away this past November 19th. I spoke with him at 11:30 am to talk about my work, and he was in such a wonderful mood. I came home at 1:30 pm with some lunch for him and found him on the ground, too late to save him. I am so angry I did not come home earlier for lunch, perhaps I could of saved him. The past couple of nights I have had bad dreams of him, and it makes me even sadder. Don't know how I will move on without him. Just found this site tonight, and it is nice that there are others who feel just like me. We all have each other.

Jan 02, 2011
not alone
by: Jackie

I feel your loss as only one experiencing the same can. My husband died in October 2010 and the pain is still very fresh and raw. The holidays were unbearable and this new year is the same as the last. My friends are afraid to talk to me for fear I will start crying again. I hate this life, but it is all I have. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Please take comfort in knowing you are not alone.

Jan 02, 2011
Texas
by: Donna

I too am leaving this year totally heartbroken and so lonely. I don't know when or if the wanting feeling that we have will ever go away. I don't think it will, I think it will only lessen to a degree that we can tolerate. We loved our soulmates too wholly and deeply for us to ever stop wanting them to be with us. But, I am hoping that we can all find some sense of peace this year so that maybe just maybe we can move on with our new unwanted lives, hopefully life starts now for all of us who are totally broken. I wish you all much peace and happiness in this coming year.

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