A New Year here, A New Year Gone
My Guardian Angel, Watch Over Him Until Were Together
I leave this year heartbroken and alone. My heart lonely wanting what it can't have. My soul searching for my love now gone. Words cannot describe the ache and longing I have for Billy. I drift through the days. Trying to figure out where I'm going and what I'm doing. Nothing compares for all I feel is lost and despair. I wait and hope I won't awake in the morning but I do ~ then wonder what will I do this day. Even watching TV disturbs any calmness I could be feeling because even the smallest thing brings me back to him . The tears are falling and so am I. Down, always down into the never ending pit of pain, anger, despair and wanting. Always wanting what I can no longer have. I've discovered at times the grief is more that I can bare. How can a person live like this? I remember back to the 1st days he was gone. I asked a friend, do you think the pain we feel at our lost is the same God felt when his only son was nailed on the cross? It's the only feeling that comes close. My faith is wavering but I don't know what to do.
I know for a fact that sleeping or drinking doesn't make things any better. I know at one time or another I've taken to some sort of drinking. I can't sleep forever and drinking makes the pain unbearable. So where do I go? A question I'm sure were all asking ourselves.
So I come here, the only place I know I can express myself and not worry about what I say. I just miss him so much and I don't know what to do. 6 months, 6 months and I feel like it been forever. I miss his smile, his touch and his kisses. The TV on a night and me telling him to turn it off because the light and noise is keeping me awake and I've got to go to work. I would gladly have that TV going all night and forever if I could have him back. I hate where I am and where I going. I just want someone to tell me why????? Explain this to me....
I guess this is what I'd call a major meltdown. New Years Day and now the year will be without him. Its unbearable but I have no choice so I will remind myself again and again ~ All I leave is my guardian to watch over him until were together
1 step, 1 breath at a time ~
to make it through the New Years without him ~