A part of me died

by Dean

My wife was first diagnosed with breast cancer in 2009. In 2012 she had no signs of cancer. However, an MRI in late 2013 revealed that there were spots on the liver and bones. This was the result of test 11/20. One day after our 19th anniversary. Intuitively, I began to research metastasized breast cancer to the liver. I realized at that point there was no cure. My wife and I went on with our lives and everything was normal. Late February of 2014 she became jaundiced. The most difficult thing in the world is knowing that she had little time to live. By mid-march she was bloated and had severe case of Pruritus. After a visit to the doctor and the suggestion of hospice, my wife became resolute that her life would soon be over. To have that talk with our kids son(24) and daughter (17) was one of the most difficult of my life. The most difficult being the day the doctor ask my wife what she was feeling. She stated that she'd not be there to see our daughter graduate from high school and go on to college. Cancer is the cruelest way for one to die. To watch someone you love die day by day is indescribable. My wife was very outgoing and popular. My wife was very active on school boards, community, and her sorority activities. She had a vey close relationship with our kids. Our daughter was her everything. On 3/28 I'd called the ambulance to take her to emergency because she was having trouble breathing. On 4/5/2014 my wife of 19 years passed away. We go on with everyday life because we have to. However, there is not an hour in the day that I don't recall the many doctor visits and conversations we had on the way home. The emptiness is unreal. It seems that when you hang out with friends I'm able to have moments of distraction. When I separate from them I feel that I go into another world alone. There is very little escape from the realizations of what is, what was, and what will never be. How do you replace the irreplaceable. My life will never be the same.

Comments for A part of me died

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Jun 30, 2014
Ovarian Cancer ended 28 years
by: Anonymous

After reading this ....I can relate. My precious high school sweetheart, best friend, my wife of 28 years was diagnosed with stage 3b ovarian cancer. She was very active popular in our church community and we had to tell our two teenage daughters. The day you find out is as hard as the day you lose her. Amen.... I watched my wife battle this disease 4.5 years and her liver failed. Beyond words and she was not a lady to be replaced....

Jun 19, 2014
My husband passed 12/28/12
by: Doreen UK

Kitkat, I had the same experience as you. When my husband was dying of cancer he somehow felt that God was punishing him for something he did wrong in life. I had to reassure him that we would all be destined to die soon because we all from God's grace every day and have to go to God in repentance and be guided every day to do the right thing.
Cancer is a horrendous disease. I still have those horrible memories of the cancer journey. I nursed my husband for over 3yrs. with a terminal cancer that grew inside his lungs for 40 years. A young man in his 20's who went to work and didn't know he cut a material in the workplace that was a killer, but not known then. No Health and Safety regulations. He died 2yrs. ago of this Industrial disease. I am at the stage of seeing a mental image of him and then missing him desperately to the point of a wave of panic that I will never see him again.
Believing in God somehow helps us to cope. I can feel the arms of God holding me up. I have to ask for His support when the weight of grief becomes too much. When I have difficult situations to deal with, he is not here to help support me through this. Knowing we will see our loved one's again gives us Hope to go on each day. Taking one day at a time is how I still go on each day. The struggle is long and hard, but our FOCUS on God somehow gets us through the difficult times.

Jun 17, 2014
my husband passed 12/28/12
by: kitkat

My healthy husband of 28 years passed in 9 months

of cancer of unknown origin. He also had liver and bone mets as well as brain mets in the end. He died a painful death from swelling of abdomen and difficulty breathing. He was the most kind and wonderful man I have ever met in 55years of life. Never said an unkind word, loved the lord and ask if I thought he was being punished for being a bad person. I told him if he was considered bad then the rest of us would be in terrible trouble. I am having a most difficult time going on without him as we made such a great team. I hope I will go home soon as I miss him so Much. I am so sorry you are feeling the same. Hope the Lord helps us soon. God Bless You.

May 30, 2014
Deepest sympathy
by: lawrence

Everybody on this web site is weeping with you and for themselves who have lost a cherished loved one
There is no escape from the overwhelming sadness and helplessness that comes when the one person you loved more than life itself leaves you.
It is such early days for you, just over six weeks I have no need to tell you to cry and cry because I’m sure you are doing that already, but don’t stop, your body and spirit needs help in getting you through the intense anguish you’re suffering, and crying is the only way, you will find, when the time is right, the crying will ease, its nature’s way.
Needless to say I speak from experience and have stood in your shoes when I lost my very precious wife after being together for nearly seventy years, on Christmas Day 2012.
Thankfully, unlike you, I didn’t see her suffer a long drawn out illness, as she died in the blink of an eye, one minute talking the next dying and after reading your comments I feel very lucky, she had the death she wished.
But as a widower my life is now so lonely with no one to laugh at my jokes or bless me when I sneeze and all the other lovely things we did together, truthfully it is horrible,
In all our time together I cherished and protected her and we were totally besotted with each other from the moment we met in 1943 when the war was on and the bombs were still dropping, until the day she died when I closed her eyes and kissed her goodbye. and thanked her for seventy exquisite years..
I fill my days with many activities like writing books and composing music and many other things, but the most important is to GET OUT OF THE HOUSE and I strongly suggest you do the same, it will still be there when you return, empty and cold.
.I’m sorry Dean, there are no words of comfort I can give you, as there are none, except to say to thank God for the wonderful nineteen years of passion and love you had, so few people get to experience it.
As one grieving widower to another, my deepest sympathy.

May 30, 2014
A part of me died
by: Doreen UK

Dean I am sorry for your loss of your wife of 19yrs to this scourge of a disease called CANCER. You can't replace the irreplaceable which make's one's grief that much harder and more painful. There is nothing in the world worse than losing your spouse, or one of your children. The hurt is so unbearable for a long time.
I married at 19yrs, and my husband 21. He worked as a carpenter and in his early 20's went to work as usual for his family. He cut asbestos on a power saw and those particles of fibre lodged in his lungs and was the start of a 40-60yrs. slow growing incurable, inoperable, aggressive terminal cancer. He reached 65yrs. but went through a gruelling chemotherapy, radiotherapy, and this was such a painful cancer journey with him left in severe cancer pain because of the lack of funding and resources in the U.K. He did not get his morphine drip to ease his pain because of lack of funding. I screamed down the phone often for a doctor to come and give him morphine. He had to wait for 3hrs for pain relief. I watched him die a slow painful death. Looking into the face of a man I loved who didn't want to die. My heart aches till this day. I nursed him for 3yrs. 39days and he died 2yrs. ago. We were married 44yrs.
The loneliness, and EMPTINESS is UNBEARABLE. The best way forward is ONE DAY AT A TIME. I have 3 Adult children and it is sad to see the pain in them losing a father. Now having 2 baby grandchildren that he will never see grow up or have any input in their young lives. This is what hurts me the most. A man cut down before retirement from doing his job. Killed by his environment. It is so difficult trying now to re-structure one's life now so late in life. WE can have many distractions in life doing what we need to do each day to keep on living, but the heart has gone out of life. My husband was my first love and my last. My world began and ended with Him. All we can do is support each other and keep active in life to help cope with the pain of grief and loss. You will feel some comfort knowing how many people know and understand the cancer journey and what you have experienced and lost in life. But it is still a very lonely and solo journey for all of us. May God give you Comfort and His Peace.

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