A piece of my soul was ripped out
by Deena Hollar
Mother's Day, 2014. My son, Christopher, was going to pick up his girlfriend and wrecked his car. He was flown to a nearby Trauma ICU where he never woke up...passing a week later from the brain trauma. He was 1 month from his 39th birthday. He was my only child, and I raised him on my own; what a joy he was thru those years (and at times a headache, especially during the teen years). We were always told what a great relationship we had; most of the time I was known as 'Christophers' Mom' and I loved it. Chris was born with spina bifida cystica(sic), lost a kidney at 10 months and was told he would probably never walk. He fooled them; walking at 9 1/2 months, going on to be very health oriented, working out almost every day and even followed for awhile in my footsteps working with those with mental health challenges (although the 'love' of his work profession was security). I have heard nothing but great things about him from his friends and co-workers and while that is helpful, it does nothing for MY overall frame of mind. I can not believe he overcame so much to just depart this world in such a manner. I strain to hear his voice, I see a car that is similar and my heart jumps, and as I go through his belongings, almost everything brings tears. I am back to work (part-time) and most days have to leave due to tears starting and not stopping. Chris came to live with me several years ago after I had a major heart attack. They had to revive me 4 times...had a stent and double by-pass and then this past December (2013) one of the by-passes failed and had to have another stent. Chris was SO caring and watchful. I found myself hating the fact that I had lost so much of my vitality and energy and he would tell me 'You took care of me and now I can and will take care of you.' That was a promise he kept for 3 years. I lost my son, my best friend (that was a road I loved traveling even though it took awhile to get there), my care giver, and a piece of my soul. When people tell me it will 'get better', I now say, 'No, it will never be better...maybe different with time, but never better.' He was so afraid of losing me due to my heart problems, but he was the one who 'left.' I can not come to any terms with this...maybe too soon, maybe never will, but I know I can not feel this way the rest of my life (however long that may be). There are days I 'feel' him here, smell his cologne, and hear a song he loved that I haven't heard in years. When he was in his early 20's, he apologized for my chosing him over finding 'another husband.' I tried to help him understand there was no need to apologize...it was my choice and I would do it again. He was my life, and he 'saved' me from God only knows what. I was still young enough to play with him and grown up a little more because of him. He could never know what a gift he was to me. Rest in the loving arms of God Almighty and wait for me to follow when it is my time. I don't know what else to say. I will live my life, I will miss having Chris to share things with, but I talk to him every day; and I believe he hears me...and is waiting. I pray for guidance and peace and hope I can get through another day - every day.