A Scene From A Movie.
(Taft, California, United States)
My mother, Tamela.
My mother passed away a little over 2 months ago. She had struggled with addiction of prescription medication for years.
The day of my parents 34th wedding anniversary, my dad bought my mother a set of gorgeous earring and she bought him a brand new shaver. She was ecstatic to give and receive the gifts. The next day was Father's Day and she was in such a good mood, it was a good day for her. She didn't have many, my mother had several physical and mental conditions that she took, what my dad and I called, too much medication to help with pain.
Like I said before, she had done it for years and years. Father's Day came to a close in our household and my dad and I were sitting in his room listening to music and playing cards, while we thought my mother was sleeping in her room. We decided to check on her like we did most night, because she slept very heavily and slept often. I went in and she was face down which was normal for her, but I noticed she was very swollen. So I felt her arm and she was ice cold. I didn't necessarily thing much of it because it's summertime in California and she constantly has her cooler on ice cold all day and night!
I just felt like something wasn't right so I yelled for my dad to come and check on her too. As soon as he touched her arm, not a second passed that the words, "she's dead" came out of his mouth. I instantly went into shock. I screamed, "No she's not! She can't be!"
He proceeded to turn her over and her face was deathly blue. I was shocked and called 911. They gave their suggestions, but I couldn't form any words, I was completely hysterical.
She was dead and I didn't want to believe it. My mom and I had a complicated relationship. She was popping pills and had not been herself in some time. We fought constantly and she verbally abused me every so often. I don't blame her and I'm not mad because of it. I understand that it wasn't her talking, it was the addiction.
So two months later and I'm struggling with the grieving process. I've hit the point where I don't know where I belong, have no clue who I am or was or want to be for that matter. I feel as though there is so much pressure on me to do this and that, be this or that. A friend of mind suggested the internet and I found this website. I cannot begin to explain how much relief I felt after just reading one article on here.
After reading up on grief, stress, loss and the stages of all of this I understand where I'm at it okay and that my life will eventually even out and be okay.
Life throw you curve balls and what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Everything happens for a reason. I strongly believe that. I was dealt this for a reason and death is part of life. Eventually I will be okay and life will be back to a new normal. The memory of who my mother was when she was sober will forever be with me. The memories of her addiction? I may not forget it, but I will not dwell on it. I loved who she was and will always love her as my mother even though she is gone.