A Second Birthday Alone

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A Second Birthday Alone

by Patricia
(Las Vegas)

My 50th Birthday with Billy in Arkansas

So tomorrow is my birthday. Wow ~ alone and missing Billy so much. I've tried to integrated myself into this new world. A world without him.
I don't want to be another year older with him gone. I don't want it doesn't make sense but it sucks.
So tomorrow I know my mother is going to try and make this year better. I have 2 brothers that don't talk to me because of me being me and all that... honesty is not always the best policy....
I did get a birthday card from my co-workers at JC Penney. It was nice, it wasn't something I would have expected.
I've already started getting facebook birthday wishes and really the truth is facebook has become more of a family than my family has. Sad but true. I always thought you could say anything to family and they would understand and forgive. Guess that thought is out the door.
So I'm taking my mother to the doctor (not a problem,I try to do what I can and I really don't mind) and then were off to the Mile long shopping place?? There's a place that serves lobster rolls she want to try and yes I thought it would be nice. Then maybe a movie called "Whats your Number", of course its a chick flick but it looks good and then she wants to take me out for dinner for my birthday. Its nice but sad at the same time.
My last birthday my brother and his wife were there but again, there not talking to me because I speak my mind. I know I'll get a call from my son but somehow I feel more alone this year than last. Why? I don't know, if I could just stay in bed and sleep until Prince Charming came back (so to speak) then that's where I would stay.
I guess I'm having a melancholy, missing Billy so much, and alone and lonely on my birthday kind of night. Yippee Skippy am I have fun or what????
I'm sorry, I'm sorry I'm here by myself, I sorry I didn't take care of Billy enough, if I'd only got home sooner, I'm sorry I did show him more how much I loved him. 'm just sorry for the would of, could of, should have's in my life.
Wow, talk about a nose dive into pain, sorrow, despair, depression and all those other words we have become so familiar with. What's the new word of today???
DESPONDENT ~ to become discouraged, disheartened, hopelessness ~ I think that should do it... in the vocabulary part of speaking.
This birthday has hit me harder that I thought it would. Why? I don't know... I'm just along for the ride and I'm hoping for a better landing...
52 ~ is what I'll become tomorrow. Young still for some and old to others. Right now I'm just tired. So very tired.
But, tomorrow will come and so will my birthday... Unless someone out there has invented a time machine, maybe H.T Wells wasn't far off on that time machine... Old movie ~ sorry.... I'm getting away from myself....
Tomorrow, yes it will come and I will continue through that day into the next...
always,
1 step, 1 breath at a time ~ 1 year

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A Second Birthday Alone

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Happy Birthday
by: Anonymous

I hope you and my auntie had some smiles over those lobster rolls. It must be tough for her to see you so sad. I know my mom has a difficult time seeing me grieve for my son. It is amazing that we've both managed to crawl through the last year or so and still stay somewhat sane. You with your sweet Billy and me with my sweet Dimitri. Do you think they are in Heaven talking to each other? I like to think that they are. I wish you happiness yet I have no words to tell you how to achieve it because I haven't figured it out myself. I have come to the conclusion that our life on earth is just a blip in the big picture and that if we could somehow stand back and get a better look then we'd have a different perspective of the "why" of our loss. But I can't see beyond this narrow tunnel I'm in right now. One step, one breath cousin....we will manage to make it somehow.
Hugs,
Shirl

Birthdays alone
by: Judy

Patricia,
Like you I am facing my second birthday alone coming up on November 15th. I can't really remember last year's birthday I was in such a dark funk. Really I can't remember one thing that happened. This year will be better because I'm going to find a way to treat myself and not allow the funk to invade me. I remember my last birthday with Bear. I had told him I wanted a mango pie (a Florida specialty) instead of a birthday cake. Normally he would have baked this himself (he was a chef and food service professional) but he was in the hospital in the hideous last 75 days. So he sent me to the local restaurant where it is a specialty to get one. Well they wanted $30 for a whole pie as it is served by the slice. Needless to say I settled for 2 slices and went trotting to the hospital with it. He took one little taste and said, "Baby, I would have bought you a whole pie because you love it so. You should go buy yourself a whole pie." That was so Barry, always thinking of what made me happy never mind the cost. He died 13 days later God I miss him so much. Don't care so much for mango pie now.

Patricia, we just have to keep on believing that life has a purpose and things will get better. And easier. so hang on and happy birthday, you kid of 52!

JM

A Second birthday alone
by: Mari

Patricia my heart goes to you as I truly understand what you must be feeling. Please try to remember that this is your special day and allow your mom to fuss over you. You deserve it. Billy would have not wanted you to be so sad.
Birthdays and anniversaries can make us feel bad as we shared the days with our loved one.
We are here for you any time you need to talk about what is on your mind and heart.
I too have a birthday coming up Nov 20 and my husband had told me to make plans for us for that day. He was too sick. He went to be with the Lord on Nov 22nt. So I too am on my second year without him.
I have been wondering what my birthday would be like without him the second year. My daughter will no doubt do something for me. To be honest I wish my birthday could be skipped but the kids and grandkids are already talking about it.
There is a song by Mercy Me called ''Homesick'' and I listen to that song with a heavy heart.But I am going to gather the grandkids around me and hug them and hold Little Aubree who is 9 months old and loves her great grandma and get through the day.But I will be remembering the cake with the bumble bees on it that enchanted my husband as he enjoyed it as he was resting at home.May God be with you tomorrow. By the way you can email me at corazonbello2001@yahoo.com

Don't give up...
by: Vickie

Hi Patricia,

I just read your blog and my heart goes out to you. I did not lose my boyfriend but I did lose my 26 yr. old daughter two yr's ago. She died in a very tragic car accident. She had just turned twenty-six a couple weeks before her death. We shared the same bday. I had her on my 21st. She was my baby and I MISS her every day. I know what you mean when you say that often family doesn't get it, or they aren't always there. I noticed one thing for myself and I am only speaking for myself, but the second yr. was harder for me. I think after you lose someone that you loved soo much and then whether you want to or not-life goes on around you, At first people are very caring and understanding but as time moves on(for them) you find yourself standing there Alone. I think I started becoming more direct and expressing my feelings more because I was tired of watching and listening to people and all their petty whining. It's not that others don't care but unless it has hit them head on as yourself(or myself) I don't think they can comprehend how Great our pain is. Think back to before you loss-you probably couldn't even begin to imagine the pain you are feeling now. Holidays are very hard. Family and friends mean well but for us, it is like rubbing salt into an open wound. Trying to pretend to even be half happy is Exhausting. I feel like everything around me as faded more and more with time. The colors of the trees,the sky, things I use to enjoy. Still you and ALL of us just can't stop and give up. Our loved ones would Not want that for us. Just try and enjoy your bday dinner as just a regular dinner out. Having the same bday as my daughter had made celebrating my bday hard as well. This yr. I just didn't make a big day of it. I had pizza with a couple friends and it was okay. You will Always miss your guy but Don't miss out on the rest of your life. As alone as you may feel just know that you aren't. I will keep you in my prayers.

Vickie p.s. Feel free to email me if you woulod like, or need someone to talk to. Take care. Happy Bday:) vjh829@yahoo.com

Alone for Seconds and Forever
by: Judith in California

Hi Patricia, I wish you a Happy Birthday anyway.
It doesn't take much to push us back. Grief is still new to us and my belief is that it will always be so. I go out and dance but the minute a slow song is sung that has a love story to it I begin to cry. I don't dance with anyone as the men today just don't ask. My Chuck and I used to go dancing a lot the first few years of our life together. Then he became less and less able to do so. In fact we met while out and danced and I fell in love with him that night.
I, like you, have gone four steps back the last few days because I had some very vivid dreams of him leaving me and then one of when he was very sick and helpless. So I've been crying for three days now. And the thought of the holidays coming again is hitting me hard too. I was told the first is the worst but here comes the second and I'm no better.

But Patricia, we must keep going forward because God left us here to do. And when he thinks we are ready he will bring us another love . Until then we have to get in touch with ourselves and become stronger than before.

Sometimes I think life is one big cruel joke. The good times certainly don't outweigh the sad times. But I still thank God for the many blessings He has given me and continues to give to me each day.

Your family should be glad you are alive to speak your mind.

Take care Patricia.

Happiest of Happy
by: TrishJ

Patricia
Happy Birthday to you. I don't want to bring anyone down with what I've been going through so I'm just going to say Happy Birthday and we are all in this thing together. My wish for you is that Billy would come to you in a beautiful dream tonight and you awaken with joy in your heart with the knowledge that he is safe and waiting for you.
All we can do is do our best and keep on going. One breath, one step at at time.

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A Second Birthday Alone

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A Second Birthday Alone