A Second Birthday Alone
My 50th Birthday with Billy in Arkansas
So tomorrow is my birthday. Wow ~ alone and missing Billy so much. I've tried to integrated myself into this new world. A world without him.
I don't want to be another year older with him gone. I don't want it doesn't make sense but it sucks.
So tomorrow I know my mother is going to try and make this year better. I have 2 brothers that don't talk to me because of me being me and all that... honesty is not always the best policy....
I did get a birthday card from my co-workers at JC Penney. It was nice, it wasn't something I would have expected.
I've already started getting facebook birthday wishes and really the truth is facebook has become more of a family than my family has. Sad but true. I always thought you could say anything to family and they would understand and forgive. Guess that thought is out the door.
So I'm taking my mother to the doctor (not a problem,I try to do what I can and I really don't mind) and then were off to the Mile long shopping place?? There's a place that serves lobster rolls she want to try and yes I thought it would be nice. Then maybe a movie called "Whats your Number", of course its a chick flick but it looks good and then she wants to take me out for dinner for my birthday. Its nice but sad at the same time.
My last birthday my brother and his wife were there but again, there not talking to me because I speak my mind. I know I'll get a call from my son but somehow I feel more alone this year than last. Why? I don't know, if I could just stay in bed and sleep until Prince Charming came back (so to speak) then that's where I would stay.
I guess I'm having a melancholy, missing Billy so much, and alone and lonely on my birthday kind of night. Yippee Skippy am I have fun or what????
I'm sorry, I'm sorry I'm here by myself, I sorry I didn't take care of Billy enough, if I'd only got home sooner, I'm sorry I did show him more how much I loved him. 'm just sorry for the would of, could of, should have's in my life.
Wow, talk about a nose dive into pain, sorrow, despair, depression and all those other words we have become so familiar with. What's the new word of today???
DESPONDENT ~ to become discouraged, disheartened, hopelessness ~ I think that should do it... in the vocabulary part of speaking.
This birthday has hit me harder that I thought it would. Why? I don't know... I'm just along for the ride and I'm hoping for a better landing...
52 ~ is what I'll become tomorrow. Young still for some and old to others. Right now I'm just tired. So very tired.
But, tomorrow will come and so will my birthday... Unless someone out there has invented a time machine, maybe H.T Wells wasn't far off on that time machine... Old movie ~ sorry.... I'm getting away from myself....
Tomorrow, yes it will come and I will continue through that day into the next...
1 step, 1 breath at a time ~ 1 year