A trip to India results in 8 years down the drain.

by Violet
(Toronto, Ontario)

My hubbie and I have known each other for 15 years now. We worked together for 7.5 years before he asked me out. When he asked me out I was surprised to be honest. I had always felt he was hard to communicate with resulting in many work-related arguments. So when he had separated from his wife, I was surprised when he asked me out on a date. To be honest, I actually didn't know it was a date (thought it was work inspired). And afterward, I wasn't interested to be honest. But after talking to my girlfriend about the event, she encouraged me to 'give him a chance'. Now, I had been single for a few years and happy with myself and my life. So it was easy for me to recognize the reasons we should not date. First, I was 12 years older than he. I was chic. He was a geek. In addition, I wasn't so attracted to his physical appearance. And lastly, he had a 2 year old son and I did not want any young children around (my son was 14). In retrospect, I chose to ignore my concerns and date him with the belief that I deserve to date a 'nice' guy. Fast forward 8 years later, as with most couples we have had our ups and downs. I made a choice to love him for who he was; did not try to change him. Have always tried to be supportive. So when he announced that he wanted to travel to India cause he has always wanted to go. I supported that, supported it even though he was going to go with Melissa (a mutual acquaintance for me, a friend to him), I was not happy. My appeals to join him were met with reasons why I could not go. So trip time comes and our relationship is good. Feels solid. So when he returns from his trip (Christmas time), I feel like there is something wrong. I can feel the distance. When asked what was wrong, I was given alot of 'I don't knows'. I for one believe that answer is a cop-out. But, I try and press for answers, so I ask him if he wants to split up. Long pause; eventually answers that he doesn't feel compelled to say no. Haha! You're kidding me right? Seriously, this came out of no-where; didnt see it coming. Ruined Christmas. I have been devastated. I thought I would be with him for the rest of my life. I have not been able to get closure, cause he can't seem to answer any of my questions. Mainly, how do you go from 'being in love' before you leave, to wanting to end the relationship upon return. I can tell u, it has been hard to move forward when I don't understand his process. I'm left to review past ups/downs, discussions for answers, and can't figure it out. If left to my own devices, it all seems quite premeditated. The apartment in the city under the guise of easing a 4 hour travel / work issue. The selling of the house, under the guise of me not working (when he had other sources of income he could we could have used to ease the struggle). How could I have had the wool pulled over my eyes for all that time? My advice to anyone reading my story is that, the process of grieving is a difficult one. What I've had to accept is that I will never get answers / closure. And that ultimately, happiness comes from inside of me. That was never his responsibility. Forgiveness is also cathartic. I can forgive him for moving too quickly into another relationship; I can forgive him for not having had many years as a single man. I can forgive him for choosing an older woman. I can forgive him for not understanding what it all meant. I don't think he really did get it. And lastly, I can forgive myself for not heeding my own 'red flags' that were so blaringly going off during Date 1.

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