A Turn of the Wheel

by Zoe
(Maryland)

Whether I like it or not, life forces me forward. John and I were going to move into our home, then, he died, eleven days after his cancer diagnosis he was ripped from my life. I could not move into the house we had picked out. I could not walk in rooms we had planned, knowing he would never be there with me. I could not be there without him.

So, I had our things packed up. I have stayed with a friend, but I could not live there forever, although the thought of being able to go into my room alone and hold his memory is all I really want. I have purchased a home and in a week, I will settle and begin moving. Those around me applaud the fact that I am moving forward. They do not understand, I am merely going to another place to grasp onto the memory of him. I waive off the congratulations on the new house, there is no joy, there is nothing. He is not here.

We were supposed to be doing this, in our home, with our plans and our love. Instead, I am faced with a hollow replica of the life I was supposed to have with him. I hate this. I despise the thought of putting the house together. I hate that the wheel turns and pushes me further away from the time I was in his arms.

It is amazing to me what the people around me must see. How easy it is to fool the people around you into thinking everything is ok. See I do not want them to stop and talk, I do not want the scrutiny of what I am doing or how I feel. They would not be able to handle how I really feel. That is ok, I do not expect someone else to fix me or help me.

I have a therapist, and I dutifully go and talk, it makes the others happy. However, I can take our sessions and in a matter of minutes have it turned so that the therapist is talking about his life, not mine. A skill of my profession. Not even, he looks deeply any longer. By controlling this I can keep everyone at bay, so they do not see the real me. I do not want a group to tell me about their grief. I do not care about their grief; I do not want to know their grief. There are times I get posts from this site that I cannot read they hurt so badly. Can you cry too much? Can you cry yourself out? I do not think so, I have cried a river, and yet every night, in the quiet when it should be he and I talking, it is just me crying.

Everything is dark; there is no joy or beauty. I found a card from the doctor who treated John. It was very kind, but it ripped me apart. She called him brave. He was, and strong and my light. The nurses told me the night before he went into the coma he pulled himself out of bed and walked into the room they were in with a patient who was hitting them.

John told him that if he wanted to hit someone to hit him, then he would hit him back. He stood there, standing guard until they were done to make sure the patient did no harm to the nurses. They then got him back in bed, and that night he went into decline. The nurses told me the story to tell me what kind of man he was.

I knew what kind of man he was, and he was the love of my life. We were a couple, we were one. If you lose that, then are you a half? What half of me is left? I died with him, I may still breathe, and walk, but I am dead. The pain is unbearable, and it gets worse by the day.

I find I try to stay as far away from people as I can. I do not want them to look; I do not want to explain. I cannot keep explaining how it feels. The desperation of my loss, that manic how can I survive this, has been replaced by a quiet, a stillness. Because I know that, I cannot. I cannot do this without him.

Comments for A Turn of the Wheel

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Aug 24, 2010
Judy....
by: HH

Judy,

Thank you for putting into words what I lack, to help Zoey, myself and others, being an 8 monther I am proud of what I have accomplished. And it is with the smallest of steps forward that I sometimes fall backwards into grief. But just being able to go in the garage. To remember him with a smile is nice. The wound is so very much there, just not wide open and excruciating.... It will never be as it was. And I won't ever get over it but I so hope to build a life for my son and myself. Little by little...HH

Aug 23, 2010
About moving forward
by: Judy

Let me say you are not on this roller coaster alone. Everything you mentioned I have experienced and honestly nothing moves you forward but time. It will pass and things will be better. It looks hopeless now but it will be better. What people on the outside of this ride think of as moving forward and what moving forward actually is are very different things. Moving into a house really is just moving your memories with you. Moving forward is just getting up one morning and smiling at the sunrise because you are able to notice it. It's realizing that with your wedding band on or off he is still gone. It's finally taking his voice off the answering machine because the sound of his voice doesn't make him be there. It's the first time an old special song just makes you smile instead of bursting into tears. This is the best I can do with eight months grieving time and I am proud of myself for doing this small things. This wound is grevious. You must think of yourself as healing from the worst wound you ever had. You can do it. You are not alone in your pain. We are here also.
JM

Aug 22, 2010
my thoughts are with you
by: kay

hello
I know the feeling you have, even though it is my son I have lost I am feeling like I am living on the outside but on the inside I am a broken woman with no other emotion beyond pain and numbness.I can imagine how you felt with your new home to be shared by the both of you. Darling I am sharing your pain my heart is aching along with yours.I send you all my love and healing. xoxox

Aug 21, 2010
TO ZOE IN MARYLAND
by: Anonymous

I extend my prayers to you and pray that God will wrap you in warm comfort. I won't say I know how you feel, or you'll feel better after awhile.
Grief is sometimes a lonely road we each have to walk alone. I do wish you had at least one person to talk to, that you knew were listening and understanding what you were saying. It is usually
normal that days after the services friends and
those around us eventually go back to their normal
lives. This is just how it is. I'm sure they
still think about us and pray for us. But that's
when we are left to bear our pain alone. They
say what doesn't kill us makes us a stronger
person. You're in the midst of grieving and will go through many different stages. Anger, Sadness,
depression, out of control crying. No interest
in anything. All of this is what most of us go through after a loss.Look beside you. God didn't
leave. He will never leave us nor forsake us.
I will pray for you. Bless your heart. Your life feels like it's stopped, but it has just turned directions. Grieve. Cry. You reached out to this site. That's a start. We are here.

Aug 21, 2010
The anger
by: HH

Zoe,

I am familiar with the anger and all the feelings you have, but have not commented because I did not think you could hear me. I have gone though multitude of emotions and I want off this roller coaster. Sometimes thinking myself mad at the various emotions I display and feel. On the outside I am dealing until a memory makes me break down in public or private. You have so much anger I feared approaching you and even now, All I can say is go on. Change your life your environment. Eventually we will all be survivors of the worst possible moments of our life. Until Then all I can do is wish you well on your journey towards eventual happiness, though it will never never be as it was unfortunately.

All my best toward your recovery from grief HH

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