A Very Unhappy Single Person

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A Very Unhappy Single Person

by Donald Hahn
(El Mirage, AZ.)

It all began in December of 2008. My wife was having trouble swallowing. After some tests she was diagnosed with esophageal cancer. We got her into the Cancer Treatment Centers of America in Goodyear, AZ. It had just opened up. The first year was pretty much chemo and radiation. They wanted to take it slow because she had Scleroderma. So after the treatments she was tested and they found cancer only halfway down her esophagus. They sent her to the CTCA in Zion, Illinois for a procedure called Brachy Therapy. She had 4 treatments. After the 4th treatment they told us that her results were the best they had seen. 6 months later she started having trouble putting thoughts into words so I took her to Dell Webb Hospital in Sun City. The found out that it had spread to her brain and needed to do surgery right away so they did. 1 ½ months later it had grown back to its original size. The surgeon was astonished at how fast it grew back. They did more radiation but it did little. She passed away in January 2011.

I went to Griefshare at a local church for about 7 sessions. I felt that it helped but I really really missed all the love I once had but lost. We had a really good marriage. So I started looking on the dating sites in hopes of getting into another relationship. I must have tried 8 of them with no luck at all. I almost got scammed about 5 times. And some of the sites are no better. So I decided to try to get away from the dating sites for a while. I took a vacation in July and it turned out really lousy. I had all this time to think and miss. I never though I would hear myself say this but I was really glad to get back to work. I told myself that on my next vacation, which is in October, I'm going to volunteer at my church or something but I'm not going through that again.

I still miss my wife so much. I miss all the hugs, and kisses, and love. I miss having a women in my life so much I don't know how to put it into words. I am single now and I hate it. I fall in love everyday with different girls I see while at work or just out shopping. I feel like the best thing to do right now is to try to get girls out of my mind for a while. But how do I stop thinking about something I miss so very very much. I kind of feel like I should go to see a therapist. I hope all the married men out there realize just what they have because I sure realize what I had and I miss her so much.

Don

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A Very Unhappy Single Person

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thankyou HH
by: Mari

I completely agree with you HH. After one year and almost 10 months I am learning to know myself and who I am as a person.My life has sure changed, even my eating habits as it is hard to prepare a meal for one. I find myself eating completely different but try to eat healthy foods.
I had a coffee date once and the gentleman was so nice Hope but I wasn't ready for that and would not go again. I hope I did not hurt his feelings. It just felt so weird. I always sat across from my husband.I guess I will know when the time is right.
I am fortunate in many ways as I have work and plenty of grandchildren plus the new great grandaughter. I have my mom and dad, still, in their 80's and they have stood by me.
I still get lonely. But I just keep going day by day.I have a new friend named Isabel and she is a widow too.
I keep thinking I need 2 yrs to really feel like myself again.I already redecorated the house and am working 2 part time jobs.The problem is I miss my husband all the time.But reading some emails I sent from 2009 to family made me realize how sick my husband was and it was time for him to go with the Lord. The message you posted sure made alot of sense to me. It helped me understand what is happening. God bless you.

Unhappy single persons
by: Judy

Don, I am so sorry about your loss. Your wife was very beloved by you and that is a wonderful thing.

Hope is so right, men are wired differently. They want to fix things so the problem will go away, are action oriented, and they take a practical approach. My wife is gone and I miss what I had with her, companionship, love, affection etc so the logical thing is to get another wife or woman who fills these roles for me.

Speaking as a nearly two year widow I can say that grief is not is not a practical emotion and that it does not have a practical solution. It defies logic and will cause you to not always respond in a resonable way or the way you expect. You are not necessarily in your best frame of mind so it is unwise to rush into any life altering decisions if you can delay them.

Give yourself some time. You loss is really new. We all here have experienced what you described lonliness, need for companionship and closeness. It will get a little better over time and you'll be able to think more clearly and make decisions with more clarity.

JM

a very unhappy single person
by: Mari

Don, I am very sorry for your loss. It is quite recent. The lonliness is very intense during the grieving process. You need time Don. If you did find a lady too soon it may not be the best thing right now. It may be just the time to volunteer at your church or other activities. God will bless you for it and staying busy will aid in the healing process.Give yourself time because the grieving process has to be gotten through. There is no way around it. With faith in God and taking things a day at a time you will gradually feel better.I know the days are difficult.Believe me.
My prayers are with you for comfort at this difficult time.We all care and have suffered losses so we understand. God bless you. Keep posting.

Take It Easy
by: Anonymous

Don~
I am so sorry for your loss. So many of us on this site are missing our spouses. As Hope stated in her post, men are wired differently than women. I have a very good man friend who rushed into a relationship with a woman (on-line) three months after his wife of 25 years passed away. He now feels like he's stuck with her. They have nothing in common but she now depends on him to support her (having sold her home to move in with him). It's not a happy situation.
After being in such a long and loving relationship you need time to yourself just to put all of your feelings into perspective. It's been 9 months since my husband passed away and there is no way I could even think about another relationship. I'm just trying to figure out who I am and what I want to do with the rest of my life. Marriage to the same man for 37 years has really left me feeling like nothing but Joe's wife. Joe is gone~I'm still here. I need to figure things out.
We are all here for you on this site. We're all grieving. Take things slowly and try to enjoy the little things in your life. When the time is right....you'll now. Stay off the internet~please. There are women out there just looking to scam a nice and lonely gentleman like yourself.
God's blessings to you. I hope you have a great day tomorrow.
PJ

Lost My Love Too
by: Geoffrey Campbell

Donald, when I lost the only one I ever had I felt like the world had dropped out from under my feet. When we would sit across from each other I would sometimes cry because I was so filled with awe that this beautiful woman loved me. No other man took an interest in her as she was rounds as a plum, but to me, she was the most beautiful woman in the world, for character enhances outer beauty in my opinion. But I am definitely a better person for once having had her, to have experienced love, what was once a black and white world then became a world of living colors when I discovered her. Now every day I feel the pangs of hurt knowing she is mine no more, but I have drawn closer to God. I pray for another woman, what she lookS like would matter not, as long as she loved God, children and animals and holding hands. Your letter touched my heart because I defintely could identify with you. I have found much encouragement and comfort in recover-from-grief, good advice abounds there, and reading this
http://thedesireofages.com/ when loneliness and missing my love comes in like, which is everyday.
God bless you Donald, you are in our prayers.

You are A Widower
by: Judith

Don,I'm sorry for your loss. It is heartbreaking at best. I'm almost a year grieving and not even ready to date yet. i know what I'd be doing is looking for him not someone new.
It's way too soon for you to try and recapture the kind of love you had with your wife. You won't find it . There will be no one to fill that gap for a long time. I know you're lonely but like you said you need to step back and reflect on your true feeling and get to now what you need in a new life. You will not be ready to date for a while. Your need to get back what you had is clouding your judgement. You can't fall in love so many times like you said you're doing. It's not love that you're feeling for these girls but a need to connect with your wife. If you just want a companion to go someplace with or go eat then choose a friend.

God bless you on your journey to peace and acceptance.

slow down and learn about yourself first...
by:

Don,

I know that men are wired differently. They think differently for starters. Most of the woman on this site are heading towards the 2nd year before they consider companionship of any kind.

We also miss our spouses, But know that substituting our Love for some love right now would not be fair to them or us. I have really never understood why most men have married or have girlfriends within the first year after their wives death.

The loneliness is absolutely crippling at first. At first we want the old life back. We know that it is not to be but wanting isn't getting. After a while we begin to miss not just what they did but every thing about the life we once had. The life that has now changed as we have and life as we knew it is pretty much destroyed with their death.

You'll pardon my straight up communication skills but that is one thing that I noticed, With his death and this new life playing games of any sort is a waste of time. Time is now precious, not to be wasted...ever.

Learn to love yourself. Learn who you are, not who you were before you met your love. We had a personality all along yet being with someone for that long...It seems that we were part of another.

Now is the time to find out who you are and not rush into a substitution for the wife that you loved for so long due to loneliness. It is hard to brace this "new independence" But until we know ourselves, we can hardly introduce our former selves to whose that we meet from this point on.

Grieve your wife first, find out who you are now and when the time is right you might find Ms. Right, not Ms. right now...
HH

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