a window on the world has closed

My husband passed away very suddenly four months ago this weekend. Some part of me is still looking for him to be on the hill behind the house, or coming down his studio steps, or in the chair in the back yard. I go and sit in those places and try to be with him. I feel like the dog who has lost his best friend and sits by the window waiting for him, even though the rational part of my mind knows what he is gone. I know that I can't see him or hear him with my senses anymore, only with my heart and my mind, but I still look for him everywhere. Does this happen to other people?

Comments for a window on the world has closed

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Jun 20, 2014
Yes my window has closed
by: Doreen UK

Lizzie I am sorry for your loss of your husband. I enjoyed reading your post. You spoke of what your world was like with Pete in it and how it is now when he has gone and you have those memories of the outlets and shopping together. This is what Life is about. Enjoying those simple moments of togetherness. Don't ever apologise for being you and expressing how you feel. Don't feel that you have made your post about you. THIS IS ABOUT YOU. What you have lost and what life is like for you now. This is what this site is for. People just like you expressing your loss and what your days are like now. You can keep posting as long as you feel the need to and receive support or just get things out of your system. Memories will come back and assault us with grief. Where else can we turn to but to people on this site who know how we feel and won't judge us. I hope life gets better for you each day and that you do recover from grief and reclaim your life back. Days ahead will be difficult, feel free to write back. You will also have some good days in between as you heal from your grief. Thank you for your post.

Jun 19, 2014
a window closed
by: Anonymous

5 weeks ago I stood at the funeral home with my husband. He looked so at peace, for the first time in many years not anxious, not working hard, just at peace. His death was sudden. He came home from work, went in to get a shower, and died. I still feel that he is away at a meeting, but I know he is gone. He was gone when I found him...even thought we tried to bring him back. Everyone says that I am so brave...going to work, church, events that had been planned...but I feel that I am in a vacuum, sometimes unable to breath and tears that overflow at the slightest thought or comment. Time heals all wounds...but this vacuum will go on forever. Decisions to be made, one life to go on. I am 53, he was almost 55, married for almost 34 years. I know no other life. Thank you for listening.

Jun 17, 2014
Yes, my window is closed ...
by: Lizzie - Australia

Yes I feel like the lonely dog. My beautiful Pete left me suddenly 29 weeks and 2 days ago, and I never got to say goodbye to him. I still go to shopping outlet where we would go together. It's really hard to look at the bench where he would sit waiting for me with our take-away coffees. Funny, no-one ever seems to be sitting on that bench whenever I look. I don't think I look for him, but imagine him when I am at places we went together. I still feed the birds at our local duck pond. The swans greet me audibly every time. I imagine they're saying " where's Pete, where's Pete". The swans adored him. He used to feed them by hand. I'm sure they miss him too. I still have his ashes. I intended to scatter them eventually. I don't know if I can do that now. Maybe I'm not ready to let go. While I have them I still have a physical part of him with me. Sorry, reading this back I have made this about me. God bless us all. I feel the pain of everyone who comes to this site. Yes, my window on the world is still closed. One day it may open again. xxx

Jun 14, 2014
Solace and hope.
by: Lawrence

HI,
You have suffered a grievous loss and all of us who have tread that road of grief and heartbreak felt exactly like you do.
We can’t actually believe that your loved one has gone ahead, and you still look at all the familiar places hoping to see them.
It is eighteen months since I lost my precious wife and yet I still look for her sitting on her favorite armchair playing with her I PAD as I serenaded her on the organ, and I still play the songs she loved to her every evening hoping she can hear me.
Four months is very early days in this horrible grief process but the road you’re on does have an ending, it will take many months before realization sets in that he has finally gone, the body can only take so much punishment before it adjusts to the new situation.
It must do, or else I couldn’t be sitting here and writing this comment of sympathy and hope, when truthfully all I wanted to do was to join her after she died.
You have joined a web site of, people like yourself are bereft and heartbroken at losing a cherished loved one, so read all the stories and I hope you find some solace in them as I did, and I do feel they saved my life.
With deepest sympathy
Lawrence







indow

Jun 14, 2014
Solace and hope.
by: Lawrence

HI,
You have suffered a grievous loss and all of us who have tread that road of grief and heartbreak felt exactly like you do.
We can’t actually believe that your loved one has gone ahead, and you still look at all the familiar places hoping to see them.
It is eighteen months since I lost my precious wife and yet I still look for her sitting on her favorite armchair playing with her I PAD as I serenaded her on the organ, and I still play the songs she loved to her every evening hoping she can hear me.
Four months is very early days in this horrible grief process but the road you’re on does have an ending, it will take many months before realization sets in that he has finally gone, the body can only take so much punishment before it adjusts to the new situation.
It must do, or else I couldn’t be sitting here and writing this comment of sympathy and hope, when truthfully all I wanted to do was to join her after she died.
You have joined a web site of, people like yourself are bereft and heartbroken at losing a cherished loved one, so read all the stories and I hope you find some solace in them as I did, and I do feel they saved my life.
With deepest sympathy
Lawrence







indow

Jun 14, 2014
Me too
by: Rick

I'm so sorry. I too lost my wife suddenly...5 months ago this weekend. God bless you and your husband. God bless us all.
Many here have expressed the multifaceted feelings we all have who've lost our loves. We seem to express different aspects that others may not have found words for...not least of all, yourself. Your analogy of comparing yourself to a dog waiting for its master (who won't be coming home) is a good one. I think these feelings might have something to do with our intermittent tendencies toward denial. But I don't want to be insensitive to your feelings and get too technical and analytical. Let's say rather, that it's just sad. Yet, I believe our "denial" serves a purpose...the purpose having to do with our need to preserve some bit of our peace of mind. If momentary denial helps us for the time being, then it's a good thing.
On two occasions, as I was about to enter the bedroom, some part of me truly expected my Sandy to be sitting on the bed waiting to surprise me. "Hi, at cha doin'?"...with a big smile. I'm not saying I "sensed her spirit" or anything like that...I think it was simply a momentary, habit-driven expectation. It was almost the same as when somebody hides on you and then jumps out to scare you...a little disconcerting. It stopped me in my tracks, raised my eyebrows and made the hair on the back of my neck stand up. And yet, just for a second, it was also somewhat interesting and pleasurable. But of course in the next instant, reality made itself clear...and I was once again fully aware of the fact that she really is gone.
Losing our sweethearts is obviously and definitely not only the most disturbing, stressful and saddening experience any of us have had to contend with...but also quite discombobulating at times. But mostly, it's just sad.
Love and peace to you, dear wounded soul. Hugs and tears. May we all meet again in heaven.


Jun 13, 2014
a window closed
by: Anonymous---MI

I know exactly how you are feeling. My wonderful husband (he was 65 yrs old) died from sudden cardiac arrest 19 months ago. My world came crashing down and even now there are times that I still am in shock as I can't believe he is not coming home. I have two adult children, their spouses and 4 beautiful grandchildren. My husbands death left a huge hole in all of our lives. He was the one and only love of my life and will always be. We were married for 43 amazing years and I miss him with every breath I take. This journey of grief has been so brutal and raw and when it is said that we are on an emotional roller coaster that is really true. I have felt all the emotions of sadness, guilt, anger, shock, loneliness and despair. Many others who post on this site have expressed the same feelings. We are all on the road of grief and we are posting our words to not only help ourselves but to help others. You will find there are so many caring and good people here that are so compassionate. I have great faith in God. While I have been angry with God for taking my husband away I also know how blessed I am to have a God who loves me and makes no mistakes. I look to Him every day and night for his strength and mercy to get me through this time of darkness; I pray for His light to fill my heart and life so that I can be a help to my family and to others. It is only with God's grace that I can face each day. My pray and hope is that you know God and will lean on Him. I am so sorry for your loss. May God be with you and all on this site

Jun 13, 2014
it took some time
by: Anonymous

Hello
I am sorry for your loss. My 22 year old committed suicide this past July 16, 2013. When it first happened I could not feel him anywhere. Everybody who came to the house during that time told me they could feel him every where. I was so numb to all my feelings this lasted for a while then all of a sudden it was like he passed me on our stairs. I could feel him and even at times smell him. I smell him in different places in the house. I yearn to hug him as I am sure you do. This year has been one of slow recovery and reliving the day and hours in the hospital. At times I think I am healing an then all of a sudden the wave over takes me. I can say for the most part it has gotten a litter better but I am still dealing with this new life I all of a sudden was forced to take. God has been the one thing I have clung to and I continue to do so. I would encourage you to do the same. I am so sorry for your loss. May God give you peace and grace into your life.

Jun 13, 2014
Know how you feel.
by: Anonymous

My father died suddenly last year from Sudden Cardiac Arrest. What started as an ordinary Monday, ended up changing everything in my world forever. I still think I "see" him, and I always feel him. I have come to accept the fact that he is gone, and I never got to say goodbye, but I have left space for him in my life. His love, his life and our memories will only get stronger. I am so sorry for your loss and your pain. Wishing you comfort as you begin to heal, Barb

Jun 13, 2014
a window on the world has closed
by: Doreen UK

I am sorry for your loss of your husband to a sudden death 4 months ago. What you are experiencing is normal grief. it is stage 1 of grief when you are crying and searching everywhere for your loved one. This will soon pass. It is never the less a very painful stage to be in. The heart hurts so much searching for your loved to come back. I lost my husband 2yrs. ago to cancer. I nursed him for over 3yrs. with terminal cancer. I still have days where I struggle with grief. Triggers will go off all the time reminding you of him. You will have good and bad days of grief. It hurts so much to lose your other half. You will feel LOST for a long time.
Best way forward is one day at a time. I still can't look beyond today. You will hurt for some time and then you will start to heal slowly. This is unbearable grief. It feels as if it will go on forever. I couldn't function for 6 months. Coming to this site and reading other posts will comfort and support you and help you to feel less alone.

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