a world without my sister-inconceivable
My sister,my only sibling,15 month older than me died suddenly and unexpectedly 3 month ago through a cancer that spread aggressively. She called and asked me to fly to take her to doctors,b/c of pain in her legs and the fear of falling,and trusting me only to accompany her. When I flew from USA back home she was already in a hospital,on a respirator.I got to talk to her the first two days,do her nails,comb her hair ,apply some light make up (she was always known for her beauty)
I was certain she will pull through with my love and devotion,despite discouraging remarks from the doctors. Miracles happen. no?!
But the only miracle that happenned was that I could hold her in my arms for 7 days,never having left the hospital. kiss and hug her,massage aching body,breath every breath with her.And birth her to her new life.
The first month after her death,though I felt the acute pain in my chest-I could easily cope with reality. Bought a plot of land,organized the funeral,than a memorial celebration marking 30 days of grief, back in USA.
# weeks ago I flew back to take care of paper work,and her apt,part of which was broken in -I was in the apt ,but she was not there. A deep sadness descended on me.This heavy cloud refuses to lift.
Every decision seems monumental.And the world looks scary without my beautiful,wise sister to talk to.
Of course I forget all the fights and sibling rivalry we had- all I want is to make a phone call and hear her voice.
And often I will dial absentmindedly her number.
My friends say: respect your pain. You earned it.
I could not imagine her not living till her nineties, and hoping she'll outlive me.But now I am doomed to live without her. How is it possible,my fellow club members?!