Abuse, love & massive grief

by Angie
(Missouri)

I was with Jeff for 2&1/2 years. We started dating 2weeks after he and his ex wife decided to get a divorce. Our relationship had many ups and downs. He never dealt with the feelings of his divovce. He was loving yet abusive. We got to a piont in our relationship when moving in together seemed like the right idea. Don't get me wrong. Jeff did love me but his love came at a price. He had so many demons inside him and fequntly took it out on me. I loved him with my whole heart regardless of his abuse. When our realionship was good it was the most amazing love i ever had but when it was bad it became violent. Some times I did hate him and even wished him dead. I never really ment it!! It came to a point that I couldn't take it anymore. I moved out. Our break up didn't last long. He was with me the first night in my new place and everyday after that until he died a month 1/2 later. The last 2weeks of his life was totally different. Jeff poured his heart our to me. Expressing his love to me everyday and so affectionate. We were so happy. The 2 days before his death he even talked about marriage! The day he died he attacked me again! I went to work trying to forget what happenend. I did what I useually did after a fight, I swore this was the last time. I didn't text or call him. The next day I broke down and texted him. I got no response and right then I knew something was wrong. That night his brother found him, he had been gone 24 hours. We worked together and always had people trying to interfere with our relationship. I've tried to return to work but I can't deal with what people are saying. People are actually saying that he killed himself because of me! The truth is he died of natural causes! I don't know what to do or how to feel. It's been 1 month and 2 days since he passed. I'm completely lost and devastated! I have been over this a thousand times in my head what I could have done different. What if I wouldn't have left would he still be here with me today?

Comments for Abuse, love & massive grief

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Jan 10, 2013
Apology
by: Judith in California

Angie, I'm sorry I diidn't catch that he had killed himself on first reading. So please accept my sincere apology for my previous remark about God knowing best. Any psychiatrist will tell you that no one kills themselves because of someone so please ignore the ignorant people who are saying that.

Jan 10, 2013
Abuse, love & massive grief
by: Doreen U.K.

Angie I am sorry for your loss of Jeff. No one has the right to judge you or kick you down when you have lost the man you loved. People can be so cruel. You said you don't know what to do? I would suggest you first go to a grief counsellor and get some SUPPORT. You need this right now. This will strengthen you and allow you to face the challenges ahead of you. Of course you will be devastated. This is the man you loved. If you have some family and good friends who are on your side. Get their support. Don't weaken to the TAUNTS of others. Don't TRY to defend yourself. Others will see this as a weakness and pick on you more. YOU HAVE NOTHING TO BLAME YOURSELF FOR. Because of your love for Jeff you put up with abuse. If you stayed long enough this abuse would have destroyed you. When you live with abuse it strips you of your Self Esteem. No one deserves this. You walked away and I think this was the best you could have done under the circumstances. You could have stayed and argued. You could have fought back with abuse. You could have got someone to sort him out. But you didn't. You walked away from a dangerous situation. Like not adding fuel to fire. It dies out. Jeff was responsible for his behaviour. He made a Choice to be abusive. He should have got counselling from his break up with his wife before he got into relationship with you. You paid the price for this. I think you were fortunate not to marry Jeff. He would have been more abusive after marriage. Nothing would have changed, if it is not confronted and resolved. In marriage there may have been more control from Jeff and therefore more abuse. You did not text Jeff because You had enough. You reached your breaking point. BE PROUD OF YOURSELF. You acted wisely by walking away and not texting Jeff. You had self respect here. It is just unfortunate that Jeff died and so now you have been left holding the guilt and also the abuse from people at work jumping to conclusions. Your best move would be to a counsellor not only for the support but it would help you to build up your confidence after such a relationship that forced you to walk away from it. Life can be so very cruel and go against the innocent. Often we will have more enemies when we don't need it. STAND TALL. HOLD YOUR HEAD UP HIGH. You have nothing to feel guilty for. Often we wonder why things happen the way they do and we question with WHAT IF? What if? Jeff hit you? He didn't mean it, and you died? What then? You simply have to put your needs now as URGENT. When you get the support you need you will feel so different and see things more clearly. Take Care of Yourself. YOU MATTER. Write back if you need to. Best wishes

Jan 10, 2013
Dear Angie
by: Judith in California

You must trust that God knows best. You couldn't have done one thing to stop his destructive behavior except towards you and that was to leave.

Please find peace that his tormented soul is now at rest. And please do not allow anyone to ever abuse you again for the sake of love . The price you pay is not worth it. May you find a healthy,caring, respectful loving relationship. You deserve nothing less.

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