by connie veilleux
(so ut)

My youngest child, Adam, died March 12, 2011. He was 22 years old. It amazes me that we can continue to live when we are in this much pain. Sometimes I wonder how people can see me and not know that I am screaming inside. I daydream about going someplace off the beaten path and screaming until I cant scream anymore. I am afraid that if I lose control, I will never get it back. I keep telling my husband and our other children that we all grieve in our own way, and that there is no right or wrong way, but I can't help but think that I am doing it wrong. I want to rip my hair out and wear black clothes, and beat my chest, but instead I go to work, and cry like I am hiding something. I want other people to feel my pain, yet I would never wish this on anybody. I want to relive March 11th over again and somehow stop this from happening. He was my baby. He was my baby.

Comments for Adam

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Jan 10, 2012
by: Anonymous

I lost my daughter Amanda on 7-14-2007. She was living and working in Greece when she was killed riding her bike to work by a speeding driver. My husband and I hadn't seen her for the past year but we had planned on going to Greece for a visit two weeks after her death.

I also feel like screaming all the time. I cry on the way to work and on the drive home. I wish we had gone to Greece earlier and brought her home.

I also try to act normal for my other children, friends and co-workers. No one knows what I am really thinking and feeling inside. Everyone just wants you to be okay. I try for my family but Amanda is always on my heart and mind.

I keep praying that she is okay and that I see her again soon.

No one should ever have to bury a child. The grief is paralyzing.

Nov 15, 2011
Our Sam 23
by: Marcia England M/C

I also lost my wonderful son Sam 29.07.2011 He had an accident and passed away in spain he was 23yrs and my 1st born.
Handsome,intelligent,polite,caring,loving and adored son.Describing how you feel echos all my thoughts,I have screamed and pulled my hair but didnt help,the pains far too deep. Unfortunately I also lost my father very suddenly 5wks after my Sam. He was also an amazing person and fantastic father and I feel guilty that I cant begin to grieve for him yet.
Saying how you are afraid of losing control is exactly how I feel so I too feel all your pain and I am so sorry for your loss.

Aug 08, 2011
i feel your pain

how i feel your pain, my son died xmas day 2010, he committed suicide, he as only 22, every day night hour i long for him too come back so i can tell him i love him one more time, why didnt i go instead of him? it should have been me not him....why...why....i cry all the time...i sit at his grave all the day, when its my turn to leave this life i know he will come for me, and take me too a better place, i love you leighton, one day day mumxxx

Jul 08, 2011
Scream. It helps.
by: Anonymous

I certainly understand the screaming inside while on the outside everyone else is unaware. About a month and a half after my stepson died, I had all I could stand. I drove to the cemetary and just sat in the car screaming and screaming and crying and yelling. I was hysterical and I understood that, but it felt so darn good just to let it all out. After a while, I settled down and drove back home. Just find a place and scream. It's okay. I'm pretty sure everyone in our situation has the urge to do just that.

Jul 06, 2011
I feel your hurt.
by: CB

I know how you feel. I lost my beautiful daughter at 43 last May. My friend, who I know means well, tells me I am doing wonderful. It drives me crazy because I know I'm not. My sister calls me her hero. I am no one's hero because I did not choose this. I guess it makes them feel better to think so. I sometimes wonder if I should be hiding in my bed instead of just trying to get through the day. I wish you easier days ahead.

Jul 03, 2011
I hurt for you
by: Kelly

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my son on 4-6-10. I could not pain is horrible. Your words are my words. I keep looking for something to heal the pain but have yet to find it. I did join a prayer registry. Each year on the date of your childs death they send emails to all the parents who have joined due to loss so we can pray for each others child and family. Its a way that our children can be remembered. I also think its good to go to a group with people who have also experienced the same loss as we have - they understand our need to talk about our children and to share our memories. My son is no longer with me but he will never be forgotten and neither will your child.

Jun 29, 2011
a quote...
by: Shirley

"Recovering from loss? I'm not sure anyone can be expected to recover from the death of their child; considering the value of what was lost and the consequences of that loss. I think recovery is a misleading and empty expectation. We recover from broken limbs and bad illnesses. This type of loss goes into the category of catastrophic....Catastrophic loss by definition precludes recovery. It will either transform us or destroy us, but it will never leave us the same. There is no going back to the past. The future will, and must include the pain of the past with it. Sorrow never entirely leaves the soul of a parent who endures the death of a child. If anything, it takes us to a deeper place in which we have the opportunity to come face to face with...the soul." Marsha Flynn Abbott

Jun 29, 2011
Same Feelings
by: Anonymous

Oh how I relate to your story. I lost my 28 yr old son in Jan 2011. I am screaming inside as well. Time is moving on all around but I feel like time is standing still for me. I say the exact same things you do - everyone grieves in their own way, trying to comfort other people when inside my heart has been ripped out and I feel such a ache and sickness. I thought about how long ago people wore black for mourning and now i understand why. All we can do is give ourselves time. I dont beleive time will heal this wound. Nothing can - all I am hoping for is that time will ease the overwhelming grief. I can't stand the way I have to live now but we have to go on somehow and learn to adapt. No one but a parent can understand how this loss affects every fiber of our being. Pray and take it one hour, one breath at a time.

Jun 28, 2011
So sorry
by: Anonymous

Dear Connie,I am so sad for you. Your words describe the pain perfectly and I feel it. You are so right. Our children are our greatest gift and we never give them up. They are yanked from us, but we never give them up. My son is permanently attached to my heart. I will carry him there as long as I live. Like your son, he died too soon by his choice. I still pause before I tell those words and it has been 5 years. I am still searching for that place where I can go and scream and not bring someone running to help. Yes, we all grieve differently and there is no right or wrong way. There are no rules. I have found that tears are a release, so cry when you need to. Nevermind what others think. God cares about you. His arms surround you in your pain. He catches all our tears. Some day, He will explain all the unanswered questions we have and will set things right. He has promised. This world is full of sadness of all shapes and sizes, but heaven will be all joy. Therein lies our hope. Cling to it. Blessings, GT

Jun 28, 2011
youngest son
by: Shirley

I lost my baby too. He had just turned 23 years old. He died 27 days after his birthday last August 9th. I'm coming up on his 24th birthday on July 13th and his first angelversary on August 9th. I agree that we all have to grieve our own way. It's been a process...that's for sure....I miss Dimitri with every single breath I take and every moment I am alive. A couple of things have helped me and I'll share them with you.
The Compassionate Friends - a group for parents who have lost children. They have saved my life so far.
They also have a facebook page.
Grieving Mothers - also a facebook group
My Child Has Wings - facebook group
There comes a time when no one will listen to your grief anymore and you will need someplace to go to. These wonderful people listen to me and get what I'm feeling (unfortunately). I'm sorry about your son. Dimitri was my baby boy too and I loved him with all my heart. It's a terrible life we now have to lead.

Jun 28, 2011
by: Anonymous

Thank God I haven't lost a child. But i lost my brother, and three years later, my dad. then july 2009, my mom passed unexpectedly and July 2010, my last remaining family member that I was raised with, passed suddenly. I couldn't go in stores, or visit anyone, because I'd cry uncontrollably. I still do. There's no set in stone pattern for recovery. I can't begin to imagine your pain. Take your time. Trust God and Heal at your own pace. My prayers and love to you.

Jun 28, 2011
Your Pain is Understood
by: Anonymous

I understand your pain. I'm so sorry! But you can find joy and peace again. Our Father in Heaven understands your pain. His Son, Jesus, died at the age of 33 and suffered terribly before his death. But He is filled with great joy because His son is now alive. When You trust Jesus as your savior you can count on an eternity with your son, and this short interval of time without him on earth will seem like a millisecond. Look to God's Word - the Bible- in there are all the answers you are looking for and the peace that passes all understanding will flood your heart and bring healing and, believe it or not, even joy. His Word has supernatural power to do anything! All things are possible with God!

Jun 28, 2011
Scream If You Have To!!!!
by: TrishJ

I was so moved by the comment you made about wanting other people to feel your pain. I lost my husband 7 months ago. I've never heard that said before but that's exactly the way I felt for the first few months. Why are other people going about their lives so happy and I have to feel so miserable inside? Why am I the only one of all of my friends to lose their husband? They don't know what I'm feeling. They don't have a clue. I'm too young to be a widow!! You have to be feeling the same with the loss of your son. Why me? Why him? It's OK to feel that way.
We do tend to hide our feelings because that's what those around us want and expect of us. The pain is overwhelming. You need to drive your car someplace out of earshot of most people and scream until you can't scream any longer. If friends and family don't want to listen to you find someone who will. You need to able to express your feelings. Don't hold them in. That's when the real problems start.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Grief is a long and difficult process. If you try to hide your feelings you end up suffering in the long run.
God's blessings to you.

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