Addiction to sex ruining my life
I have a serious problem, I am unable to stop my urge of visiting massage parlors in search of a sexual experience.
I have a Family of 4 years and they are not aware of my current activities nor is my wife aware of any of my previous history and struggle of dealing with a sex addiction.
I have been actively searching for sexual partners or experiences since i was around 12 years old with a deep sexual desire building up from viewing pornography from a young age.
I was constantly distracted in my latter years in high school and ended up dropping out due to drug and family problems.
Throughout my late teens and early 20's i spent a considerable time in night clubs first as a patron then eventually gaining work in the entertainment industry which allowed me to constantly be at clubs and afford to be out all the time.
Although my time working, drinking and socializing in clubs was well disguised my true agenda for always being out was to find sexual partners.
My constant quest was successful and I have had many one night stands and i estimate my sexual partners to total around 100 for the time i was 18 to 25 with relationships that would come and go.
During this time i have had a constant addiction to pornography, sometimes i will not view it for weeks, other times i will view it all night and even use it a a pick my up before leaving for work.
from the age of 26 i moved to a new city to start afresh and begin a new life style and this approach was some what successful for 2 or so years. I met my current wife and we have a beautiful daughter, I value this part of my life more than anything, my family is happy and well looked after but as mentioned above my wife has never known of my previous struggles with sex addiction.
I am now 3 years into a marriage and have been slowly drawn to online pornography again, so much so that i would classify it as an obsession. The use of porn convinced me that if i just simply act out my sexual fantasies with any working girl they may be fulfilled and i will no longer have the urge.
In theory this approach seemed sound, I was of the understanding that seeing a working girl or even visiting any of those establishments would be a pretty sad, degrading, embarrassing and or depressing experience.
And let me tell you it generally always is, but the compulsion to repeat the behavior remains, even though i know visiting a girl and living out a sexual fantasy will never be enough to satisfy me i seriously can not stop. this is where the ADDICTIVE behavior comes into play, It is a obsessive compulsive behavior that i force my self to act out even though I rationally understand that i am
- Hurting my family
- Wasting my family's money
- Loosing interest in work
- Have very little contact with friends
- Maintain poor health as a result of little self respect
I a taking small steps to stop improve my life for my Family. it will be a challenge, reading articles on this site has been constructive, i have NEVER told a soul of my experiences, no a friend, no online chatting, absolutely no one.
Any advice is appreciated.