Advice

by Dawn
(Hong Kong)

Thanks for this Website so that i know we are not alone (loss my dad around 70 days ago). Also, I can imagine how painful for my mum by reading other's blog of losing a spouse. It's really really difficult for her to lose her soulmate. I can't compare my feeling of losing a dad as what she lost in her lifetime.

Thanks to god. Finally, it seems we are taking good steps this week. She moved in a new apartment last week which she finds that is comfortable. She starts to have lunch with her sis and my grandmum. She starts to mention to me that she will meet up with her friends for gathering soon. Though, i know, she will still feel lonely at night, and she still miss my dad everyday. But at least, in good progress

I am taking her to a short vacation tmr.... but i am not sure if i am thinking too positive. Just 70days after our beloved left us. Can she really be that strong? Especially, there is no sign before dad's gone~

I need advice from others on how to manage my mum's emotion. Only if she can go through the grieving process, I can go through it.

Dawn

Comments for Advice

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May 15, 2011
Thanks`
by: Dawn

Thanks everyone for the advice. I can imagine how hard and difficult for my mum now...... U guys are right. She is the only one who can help herself to experience her special grieving. We can't help and what we can help is just to sit next to her and let her know that we all care and love her...
hope one day i can share more positive experience

May 11, 2011
advice
by: Mari

Dawn, it sounds to me as if your mom possesses a God given inner strength. Of course she probably has her difficult moments but she is making the effort and sounds like a wonderful lady.
Just keep doing what you are doing standing by her. She is fortunate to have a daughter who cares and that means so much.
The gathering with friends is a great idea. How nice that she likes the apartment and finds it comfortable.
Whatever she is doing she is setting a fine example for others. She knows you are there for her and no doubt wants to be strong for others.We all handle grief in different ways.I would just let her do things in her own way and her own time. Take care of yourself. Keep posting. We are here for you.

May 09, 2011
Advice
by: Zoe

You know, grief is very personal. As much as we all know and understand it here, we each go through it differently. I can tell you personally, at 70 days if my children had taken me on a trip, I would have nodded and gone, there is too much pain to argue or disagree. And it changes day by day. I did not want to leave our things for a very long time. Some people find it necessary to leave in order to heal. The thing I can tell you is that you cannot make this easier on her, she has to live through this and come out the other side. There is no wrong way to grieve. It is the worst ride she will ever be on, calm one minute overwrought by emotions the next. Maybe a trip is what she would like, or maybe she is trying to make you happy.
Talk to her see what she needs, then do what you can.
But YOU have to remember that you also are suffering a loss. You cannot diminish your grief, there is not one grief that is more important or pronounced than anothers, grief is grief and it has to be lived through. I have seen people who lost parents who were devastated and widows who go through grief relatively quickly. Make sure you do what you have to do for yourself as well. You will be no good to your mother if you suddenly fall apart because you have not allowed yourself to feel this loss.
And remind your mother, on the days when she does not think she can move from the pain...
it is
one breath, one step, one day at a time.

May 09, 2011
Be there for Mum
by: Jean,England

Hello ..so very sorry to hear of your loss..Your Mother is being strong, and I feel is now trying to move on with her life! She sounds a wonderful lady! Let her find her own way, and just be there for her on any 'difficult days' she may have... I know when my Dad passed, Mum was devastated,they,d been married 42 yrs...I was always there for her, but in time she gained control back into her life..her way!! She still had her bad days, but she coped and learnt to accept the tears & grief...I was always there in the background to help her...She did remarkably well, and she met a very nice gentleman at her Social club 2yrs later...she did ask if it was wrong, but I said No Mum ,its what Dad would have wanted, to see you happy & smiling again and enjoying life! She was a Dear Mother, and my best friend..she.s passed too now..But my advice, is dont be too much in her space, let her decide ..Be there for her...and tell her often you Love her...God Bless.. xx

May 09, 2011
Just 70 Days?
by: TrishJ

Please be aware of the fact that your mom might be trying to appear strong for her family. It's been 5 1/2 months for me an I'm just now starting to feel like maybe I can handle this. The first 90 days I was on auto pilot ~ wasn't very aware of what was going on around me. Then the reality hit like a ton of bricks and I didn't want to get out of bed for the following 2 weeks.
It's just now that I can try to start planning for my future. It's still very hard. I was married for 37 years. My husband always told everyone that he raised me. He was almost 10 years older ~ I was 19 when we met. I miss him just as much today as I did the day he died. Your mother is so fortunate that she has such a wonderful caring daughter. I don't know what I would do without mine.
Your mom is still in the beginning stage of grief. Don't push her too hard and expect her to move on too quickly. It is good for her to be around friends and family as much as possible. The time I spend by myself is the hardest. That's when all the awfulness comes flooding back. This is a necessary part of grieving though.
God bless you Dawn. Continue to be there for your mom. She will never fully get over the death of her husband but it does get easier.
Happy day in Hong Kong:)

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