After 50years 1 month and 16 days I am alone for the 1st time

by Gayle

My guy was always healthy and strong. He probably missed work less than two weeks during those 50 years. I always have had a weight problem and was absolutely convinced I would go first. We were just settling in, enjoying retirement and had the best year of our lives. We were packing and leaving for the summer to travel around and visit family etc.....

Suddenly, he needed my help. He couldn't get out of the chair, his left side hung down and I knew it was probably a stroke. The ambulance got him to the hospital, His brain was bleeding deep inside. He held my hand while the nurses and Dr. monitored him. He knew and was able to answer questions. Suddenly, he squeezed my hand over and over, grabbing and turning my hand in his trying to say something without words. I asked the Dr if he would be ok....I hope so, he said.

Duane was flown by helicopter to another hospital. Our three daughters arrived. By the time the last one flew in we knew we would have to remove life support.....Thank You God, I was not alone. That is a tough decision to have to make. We had no doubt we did the right thing.
That was April 2009.

We retired into a community of snowbirds and have so many friends among that group who have been there for me. It looked and felt like I was doing pretty darn good, and really I think I am. My mind is sorta starting to come back and for the most part, I can come up with the correct day, month and year. The thing I am struggling with is trying to get going into the world.

The snowbird community left for the summer, I planned to travel, unfortunately there is no one available to accompany me. I am very much a people person and the thought of being out here by myself isn't any fun.

I find myself crying much more often, my sleep is off and the loneliness is so real now. My guy was the center of the wheel, I rolled round and round anywhere I wanted while he was here, but now there is nothing for me to anchor on to.
I was not expecting the summer to be great but this is much tougher than I expected.

What I have been doing is eating healthy, starting to walk about two miles a day, visiting our class reunion, spending time with a favorite aunt and trying to say yes more often than no. These are all good things, but still the tears pop out much more than they did three months ago.
This is the only time in 68 years I have been alone and I don't like it much.

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