Alan

by Alan
(Australia)

I lost my darling wife of 40 years 12 weeks ago. She died in her sleep right next to me. I tried to bring her back with CPR and so did the paramedics. When the guy said to me "sorry, there's nothing more we can do", this deep pain in my heart started and is still there. I still can't accept that she has gone. How am I supposed to live without my soulmate, my companion, my lover? She was only 58. We married when she was 18 and I was 20. She had been sick for quite a while and I was her carer but this was sudden. There was no clue she was going to pass away. I know there is an afterlife and I can feel her prescence sometimes. In fact, she has made her prescence known to me, my son and daughter. It's comforting to know I will see her again. I never really knew what grief was until now. I have lost other family members but this pain is indescribable. I even went to the doctors because of my heart pain. I told him it was grief but he checked it anyway. Everything was fine. Now I have to live without her and it's not going to be easy. I have my son and daughter and have arranged to see my sister and relatives in Europe and that is keeping me going. I feel so sorry for anyone that loses their soulmate and has no other loved ones. I can understand them wanting to join their loved one. I do write quite a bit now and I find it does help. I write letters to my darling and it makes me feel better. To anyone reading this who has lost a loved one, I am so sorry for you and hope you realise you are not alone. My prayers and best wishes to you.

Comments for Alan

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Aug 15, 2013
Alan
by: Doreen U.K.

Alan if you feel you are a mess we will all help you get through it. It will be hard for you trying to be the strong one for your son and daughter, but remember. Just be yourself. Your children will respect you for it. Your children are of an age where they are young adults and be able to process their own grief. They lost a mother and even though this is hard for them. You lost a wife. The grief is different but also the same in PAIN. Don't expect too much of yourself and don't let other's expect too much of YOU otherwise you will become more ill. We all have our LIMITATIONS. Depression is something I suffered from and did as much to help myself then I went to see a psychologist/counsellor. The best decision I made. I resolved my many losses and I got my life back in ways I didn't think. Had I not done this I would not have gotten through the loss of my husband of 44yrs. who died 15 months ago of cancer.
Even though you may feel that your psychologist is just doing her job and what would she understand, I understand the family dynamics and why counselling works. You just need to find the right psychologist/counsellor for yourself. I went in with a level of scepticism but I came out a whole new person. Days the pain was so bad I thought for sure I was wasting my time. But I am a person who doesn't give up easy so I gave it my all. There are no words to describe how I felt when I came out of counselling. It was an amazing experience.
Counsellors go through the same emotions and losses as we do but they have to act in a professional way. They have to establish boundaries between client and themselves which is why they could never disclose their own difficulties. It would compromise your Healing and progress. Counsellors have to maintain a professional distance. Because my psychologist/counsellor was also my boss and Church member I almost lost him due to the boundary issue. Thank God I didn't. I went on to give him 8yrs. in voluntary work in a Counselling centre. Don't give up! Please write back if you have more difficulties. I will see you through as best I can. Best wishes Doreen

Aug 15, 2013
It doesn't get any easier
by: Alan

Thank you my new friends for your kind words, especially Pat and Doreen (ironically my sister's name). I have been getting more and more depressed lately and I am glad I've got you guys to talk to. It's too hard telling my kids how I'm feeling because I think I have to be their rock. Good old Dad, dependable, always there. I am a mess and I can't tell anyone.
I have gone back to the psychologist but I get the feeling that she is just doing her job. She hasn't been where we are. How could she know. Every one is an individual, there's no set course for grief and loss. I try to concentrate on the good times Phyllis and I had, the love we shared, the oneness but it all seems pointless because she is not here. I know I will see her again but I have to live until then. I wish she was here.
Thanks for listening.

Aug 02, 2013
Doesn't Really Get Easier
by: Pat J.Green Bay,WI

Dear Alan,
Doreen is right; it doesn't get easier. We slowly learn to accept that our spouses are really gone. In my heart I know my husband of 46 years has died. In my mind, he is just in another room. I feel his presence alot. His body died, but his spirit will always live. For me, he is just away and someday, I will see him again. That keeps me going as does my faith. Without my faith and the support of my friends and family I wouldn't have come this far. It is 2 years he is gone; yet feels like yesterday.
The longer he is gone the more I miss him. I too miss the little things, we all took for granted. We are never prepared for our loss. Both my parents are gone, as are other relatives and friends, but the grief of losing my husband; only sonmeone who has experienced this type of grief can truly understand.
I still get tears in my eyes; though not as frequent. I still have this ache in my heart for him; that will never go away. I am getting to be quite independant. I still take it one day at a time. I do things I want to do and enjoy doing.
I am returning to work, come September as a Sub in the Foos Service for the school system. I would much rather be completely retired, but I have to be realistic; the extra money will help me be independant and I will have contact with the outside world. I don't ever want to be a burden to my children; yet they tell me I never will be; hope they are right.
Acceptance, is it. This is our new life now. Our old life is gone. We move forward; there isn't a right or wrong way. We just do it our way; doing it one day at a time.
We never really quite get over the loss; slowly we learn how to go on without them, always keeping them tucked safely in our heart.
CHERISH THE MEMORIES!

Aug 02, 2013
It doesn't get any easier
by: Doreen U.K.

Alan you are so right. It doesn't get any easier. It has been 15 months now since I lost my husband Steve. I feel exactly as you do. Missing the hugs, just touching your loved one. The very atmosphere has changed. It is a hollow, empty feeling of deadness in life. Everything and everyone around us is moving but yet I feel as if I am in a strange land all alone.
To feel the presence of my husband in our home made me feel comforted and secure, and content. I am sure you feel the same way. For me it is the thought that my husband doesn't exist anymore with a body. this hurts me the most. As if he has dissolved. Vanished.
But my Hope is that his Spirit is alive and with God and his body will be resurrected one day and his spirit put back into his body by God and he will live again. If I didn't have this hope I wouldn't see the point in surviving. FOR WHAT?
Because it is written in the Bible I believe it and I can live with Hope.
I am glad you are coming to England to visit your sister. This will be a good break for you and will do you a lot of good. I know what you mean about people who said they would be here for you after the funeral and they have not contacted you at all. This seems to be what most of us feel. I also have lost all those people who would be here for me. I am all alone in the physical realm but Thank God I have Him in my life to help me keep going. But we cannot live in isolation and without love in our life. This is the hard part. WE are physical beings and so have this need in our life and this is what is missing. I hope you have a good holiday in England and this holiday helps you get your life back on track. Please write back and let me know how you are doing. God Bless.

Aug 01, 2013
It doesn't get any easier.
by: Alan

It's been 26 weeks now since I lost my darling wife. When I read my original post where I said it's been 12 weeks, my brain says to me, shouldn't it be getting better. I think the grief is getting worse because now I know she is not coming back, this is it. Life without her. The love we had, the intimacy, the cuddles, arms round each other, holding hands, the laughing, the crying. Just being mates. She was only 58. It seems so unfair. People say remember the love we had, remember the good times together. I do, all the time but it makes me worse. I'm just feeling so bad I thought I would write it down here. I don't know what to do, life is starting to seem pointless. If it wasn't for the fact that I will be going to see my sister in England soon, I'd go mad. Lots of people at my wife's funeral said to me, don't worry Alan, we're here for you mate. We won't forget you. Well, you guessed it, no-one has contacted me! It's just me, my son and daughter. We'll have to get through it, I suppose.

Jun 08, 2013
Thanks to all
by: Alan

Thank you to all who have commented and thank you for your prayers and best wishes. I've had a relapse, I thought I was over the worst but no, my grief is as bad as ever. It's 18 and a half weeks since I lost my darling. It seems like a lifetime yet it seems like five minutes. How am I supposed to live on without her. I can't stop thinking about her every minute, I can't make a decision without thinking what my darling would say. I feel like I'm supposed to be alright now by my family. I can't really talk to anyone. The psychologist didn't even know her, so how can she know what I am going through?
When I think of that dreadful morning when she died I am racked by guilt. I was supposed to protect her. I was her carer, yet I was asleep when she died. I was convinced I could save her with CPR, but I couldn't. 40 years of marriage and now I'm supposed to carry on. This is crap, I just want her back but of course she's not going to come back.
Thanks for listening my new friends, you all know how I feel.

May 27, 2013
the loss of my true love.
by: Alan (true)

I lost the love of my life on October 1st 2012

My life is an endless nightmare,if my darling had

survived another three weeks we would have been

married 51 Years. I find that life to me has no

meaning at all, I find that i cannot write anymore

Thank you for reading this, and my very deep

sympathy to ALAN on his loss. . ALAN

May 13, 2013
Alan
by: silver

I feel the same way.My darling husband left me on May 29,2011.We were married 33 yrs.I told one of my daughter-in-laws that what I miss the most is "his presence".We were friends for 4 yrs before we married and friends until he died.I know I will see him again. If I didn't believe this i'm not sure how I could survive the grief I feel. It is getting easier but I still cry often and miss him so very much.GOD grant you strength and peace. I send you love and support for a grief that is so strong.My father died 17 months before my husband and my mother 11 months before.Despite the fact that I miss them both so much the grief for my soul mate was so much harder.Take care and keep the memories alive.That has been one of the things that has helped me the most.

May 08, 2013
Mothers Day and birthday 5 days apart.
by: Anonymous

Thanks again for all your prayers, love and best wishes. I've got an emotional few days ahead because it will be the first Mothers Day and my darlings first birthday since she passed. She had her first baby at 18 years of age and she absolutely loved being a Mum. She didn't care about going out, new clothes or the other things teenagers desire. She just revelled in her baby and then 3 more in the next 4 years. It's so unfair that she's been taken away now. I know from this site that loved ones have passed away a lot younger and I really feel for everyone but I can't escape the feeling that it's so unfair. My life is so empty now and I still can't accept that she has gone. I still think there has been some mistake. I'm crying a bit less now but if I see anyone else cry or I see a moving scene in a movie, I lose it. Even if the person is crying with joy! My son, who is 40, is taking it particularly hard, so I have to try and be strong for him. My daughter is 35 and seems to be handling it a bit better but she is home with me so I think we are leaning on each other. But the next 8 days are going to be very emotional. I'm a different person since I lost my sweetheart. I didn't realise what true grief was.
Thank you all for reading this. I do feel better writing things down and thank goodness for this website. It has helped. My prayers and best wishes to anyone that is suffering with the loss of a loved one. You are not alone. Alan.

Apr 26, 2013
Bleeding heart
by: Anonymous

Thanks allen for sharing your pain. I also lost my soulmate of 40 years suddenly. I have read of bleeding heart n am feeling it. The ache n pain is indescribable . And yes writing to my spouse helped a lot. Thanks to wikihow survival tip.

Apr 26, 2013
Thank you
by: Alan

Thank you all for your kind words. You do think you're the saddest person in the world when you are suffering intense grief. Now I know I am not alone and it is very therapeutic to read other people's stories and know that people you have never met are offering you their prayers and best wishes. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart. Alan.

Apr 25, 2013
Alan
by: Doreen U.K.

Alan I am so sorry for your loss of your precious wife of 40yrs. Thank you for echoing all I feel and so many other people on this site feel but can't always express so well. This type of grief from losing a life partner is as accurate as you say. UNBEARABLE. Like nothing you have ever experienced. Like many of us. We can lose other loves ones from our life and feel sorrow and grief. But this type of grief like you are feeling is coming from deep within our Soul. Because we are ONE in marriage. So we would feel a pain like no other. We can't even imagine it or describe fully what it feels like.
I lost my dear husband of 44yrs. almost a year ago to a deadly cancer caused by working with ASBESTOS. I was his caregiver for over 3yrs. and had to watch him die slowly. It is the most painful journey we will ever have to go through. To have the hope of an afterlife and seeing our beloved again will get us through our grief until we are reunited. May God comfort you and your children in your grief and sorrow and continue to Heal you daily.

Apr 25, 2013
Love Of My Life
by: Pat J.Green Bay,WI

Dear Alan,
We all lost the love of our life.
For me, it will be 2 years on June 27th, that my husband of 46 years, died from a massive heart attack. Our wedding anniversary was June 26th. We can never prepare ourselves for the death of a loved one. My mom will be gone 37 years on June 25th, from breast cancer, and April 30th, it will be 7 years since finding my dad sleeping eternally in his recliner at home. He lived for 30 years without my mom. I now know what he went through.
Life does go on for us, but our lives are forever changed. When we lose someone we love, we never quite get over it, we slowly learn how to go on without them, always keeping them tucked safely in our heart. We look fine on the outside, but our hearts are broken on the inside. We try to put on this "happy face", but we are crying on the inside.
I remember people telling me things will get easier and better with time. It doesn't happen; we just learn to accept our new life. Only someone who has experienced our loss truly understands and everyone deals with their grief differently. There isn't a time limit on our grief. We grieve for the rest of our lives for our spouse. I grieved the loss of both my parents, but the loss of my husband, this grief, doesn't even come close to comparison.
We fall in love, vow to spend the rest of our lives with that someone, make plans, have a family, make plans, become grandparents, make plans. But God, has his own plans for us. We will never understand why we lost our loved ones, when others are spared, but God has a plan and when we are called to join our loved on, then we will undertand. Until then, we put one foot in front of the other and go on, always cherishing our memories, no one can take them away from us.
This isn't an easy journey. But our loving God walks beside us everyday, as do our loved ones.

Apr 24, 2013
Sympathy
by: Lawrence

Alan,
I was sobbing as I read the details of your wife’s death; I was in exactly the same situation, four months ago. I lost a very cherished and beloved wife suddenly after being together for nearly seventy years of passion and love, the pain and anguish is unbearable and although I put a brave face on for my family I feel dead inside as I know you do.
Grief is something that if you haven’t experienced it yourself is indescribable, they say you will get over it in time, I am still waiting, every day is a nightmare, and going up the stairs to an empty bedroom at night is perhaps the worst part of this terrible lonely life you and I now have.
Needless to say everybody on this web site has been through the same and although it is no consolation just read other contributions and you will see you’re not alone.
I know my words will bring you no solace and I apologize for that but everyone in a loving relationship will have to face this horror sooner or later, it was just your turn as it was mine.
Take great care of yourself because we are very vulnerable, see your doctor again and go on anti-depressants if you feel they will help, don’t suffer alone.
We are all praying for you.
Lawrence

Apr 24, 2013
So Sorry
by: Anonymous

Alan,

I know how you feel. I've had relatives die, but it's nothing compared to losing the love of your life. I'm on my 14th month. Not a day goes by that I don't wish him back.

I haven't any useful epiphanies to share, other than to say there are many who understand what you're going through.

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