Alcoholism Rots my Kind Husband Away
After 20 years of marriage, the last two being the most difficult, I was served with divorce papers today. I have been going to counseling for the last two years (when the trouble really surfaced) and am grieving. I realize that the person I am now married to is not the original person I married. Alcoholism has buried that person or maybe he doesn't exist any more.
I know that all the nasty stuff that is said or the actions which are so mean and vindictive are the result of the Alcoholism. I know that all the things that he is saying about me are just a projection of what he feels about himself and he's just trying to dump the responsibility on me. It still, however, hurts.
Where is the sweet man I married. I miss him so. Now he has been overshadowed by a dark personality that blames me for all of his problems.
If it wasn't for my faith in God and the support of my wonderful family and friends and a trip to the Al Anon meeting, I think I might go insane. I remind myself to breath because sometimes I forget. I make myself drink because I ended up having two seizures last week because I dehydrated myself. I don't eat. I can't eat. I've lost 15 lbs. since he left. He acts like he never cared, after 22 years! How can someone even go there? What happens to a person that they are able to turn off that love?
All my friends can't believe that it happened to us. We were the couple so in love and the ones that everyone looked up to.
I know my dear God has a plan for me in all of this turmoil, and I think it might be that I am suppose to be the love that was lost to help him hit bottom. Still though, this role is a heavy burden and my heart feels like it is constantly doing flipflops.
I imagine that somewhere down the future, he'll regret what he has done and come back. Probably won't happen. Tried the intervention thing and it just didn't work.
I pray for him though. It's because I still love him. Now why I still love him when he told me that going from a size 8 to a size 12 embarrassed him and caused him not to be sexually attractive to him anymore. Why do I want someone who talks to me like that?
It's because he has been there with me for 22 years!
He just hides in the guest house and pretends I don't exist now. Divorce papers came today. Looks like he doesn't feel I deserve anything for this investment of my life. I'm torn between being really pissed off and really hurt. But I will get through this. I will find my way. God will work through this for good and has great things in store for me. I can do this. It just might be hard to do.