Alcoholism Rots my Kind Husband Away

by Tina
(Boise, ID)

After 20 years of marriage, the last two being the most difficult, I was served with divorce papers today. I have been going to counseling for the last two years (when the trouble really surfaced) and am grieving. I realize that the person I am now married to is not the original person I married. Alcoholism has buried that person or maybe he doesn't exist any more.

I know that all the nasty stuff that is said or the actions which are so mean and vindictive are the result of the Alcoholism. I know that all the things that he is saying about me are just a projection of what he feels about himself and he's just trying to dump the responsibility on me. It still, however, hurts.

Where is the sweet man I married. I miss him so. Now he has been overshadowed by a dark personality that blames me for all of his problems.

If it wasn't for my faith in God and the support of my wonderful family and friends and a trip to the Al Anon meeting, I think I might go insane. I remind myself to breath because sometimes I forget. I make myself drink because I ended up having two seizures last week because I dehydrated myself. I don't eat. I can't eat. I've lost 15 lbs. since he left. He acts like he never cared, after 22 years! How can someone even go there? What happens to a person that they are able to turn off that love?

All my friends can't believe that it happened to us. We were the couple so in love and the ones that everyone looked up to.

I know my dear God has a plan for me in all of this turmoil, and I think it might be that I am suppose to be the love that was lost to help him hit bottom. Still though, this role is a heavy burden and my heart feels like it is constantly doing flipflops.

I imagine that somewhere down the future, he'll regret what he has done and come back. Probably won't happen. Tried the intervention thing and it just didn't work.

I pray for him though. It's because I still love him. Now why I still love him when he told me that going from a size 8 to a size 12 embarrassed him and caused him not to be sexually attractive to him anymore. Why do I want someone who talks to me like that?

It's because he has been there with me for 22 years!
He just hides in the guest house and pretends I don't exist now. Divorce papers came today. Looks like he doesn't feel I deserve anything for this investment of my life. I'm torn between being really pissed off and really hurt. But I will get through this. I will find my way. God will work through this for good and has great things in store for me. I can do this. It just might be hard to do.

Comments for Alcoholism Rots my Kind Husband Away

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Feb 25, 2012
Alcoholism steals and ruins relationships
by: Eunice

Am so sorry to hear of your loss. I know well about alcoholism. I had been a victim of abusive alcoholics from my Dad and my first and second husbands. Alcoholics can be very ugly and unpredictable and very abusive, both verbally and physically. My 3rd husband was a reformed alcoholic, and was the first man to show me what life was like without alcohol and violence. He was the love of my life and soulmate. He was never too proud to say "I love you" or "I'm sorry". Unfortunately, I lost him in November of 2010 due to kidney and liver failure. He'd had a motorcycle/semi accident in 1985, which left him disabled, but they also had to give him 13 pints of blood, and unfortunately back then, they didn't scan the blood for hepatitis C and by the time the VA doctors discovered he'd had it, his liver was nearly destroyed. He went to Shands Hospital in Gainesville,FL for a liver transplant evaluation only to be told by the last surgeon we talked to that he would not be a good candidate and would not be recommended because he was in a wheelchair. Took me a long time to get over that statement, and the people in wheelchairs have rights too. All my best to you and yours

Feb 24, 2012
by: Janet

I have been there before but fortunately we were able to work things out. My husband was always afraid of becoming an Alcoholic because that was what his younger step brother was. My husband was probably an Alcoholic and at times said he was but he drank to ease the pain of rheumatoid arthrtis and not because he enjoyed it. If the weather was really cold he could barely walk and most of the time it was with a cane so hence we went to Belize Central America. He refused to take pain killers because he was so afraid of becoming addicted to them as he did before his back surgery in 1998. He was not one to complain about the pain but I could see it every day.
You will come out a better person for this and it is not an easy journey. Trust in your faith and believe that God will get us all through this terrible journey. I wish you the best of luck.
Remember to always take one breath, one step and one day at a time. That is all we can do for ourselves. May God hold you in the palm of His and and keep you safe each and every day.

Feb 23, 2012
by: millbill

I too had an alcoholic husband.i say had becuz he passed from liver failure 10weeks ago.he had been in rehab 5times in5 years and was still drinking heavily til he went to hospital 2weeks before he died.alcohol robbed me of time with my soul mate,it turned a loving husband and father into a mean uncaring person i didnt husband cheated on me with the bottle.he became a lier,someone i could no longer count on someone who had to live with his mommy becuz i couldnt take any more of watching him kill himself with this horrible the end tho i was there with him holding his hand ,loving him like always,praying hes finally at you go on and you will pray he stops drinking but know none of this is your fault alcoholism is cruel be strong as i am trying to be.

Feb 23, 2012
so sorry
by: Jen

You are going through a really tough time and I'm sorry :(. I grew up in an alcoholic family system and my oldest son died from addiction a heroin overdose 10/25/11 he was only 23yrs old I am still dealing with that loss :(. But alcohol is very insidious and sneaky it takes years for it to rear its ugly head and it devastates families, finances, jobs, and relationships. My heart bleeds for you and what your going through. I went through a divorce after being with my ex-husband for 20yrs he is now remarried and I doubt happy but that's not my business. it's been 4yrs since ive been divorced and it wasn't until last summer that I turned the corner of finally started feeling grateful to be free and able to focus on what my future meant for me. it's not easy though. No one can find happiness outside of themselves....true lasting happiness comes from within - today I am learning how to love myself after 44yrs and realizing that I cannot truly love until I love me first. Part of loving ourselves is not accepting abuse from others whether it's harsh words, bad treatment (doesn't have to be physical violence), or just someone who crosses our boundaries. Sounds like the best thing you can do is turn your husband over into the hands of God and let God deal with the meantime focus on you - start feeling good about yourself again, pamper yourself, put affirmations on your mirror, make regular dates with good girlfriends :). by the way size 12 is not a large woman! I am very petite and do not look my age but a man should love us for who we are on the inside too, love is more than just attraction although that is part of it. I wish you all the best you sound like a great lady who is in the solution for her life! Good for you for you going to ala-non too!! your an inspiration and a strong lady :)

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