Alex your will always be in my heart

by Berni

Well my oldest brother was diagnosed with lukemia at 18 and past away in July 26,2008 at the age of 21 and its been 4 years now and I cant get over it,the hoildays are not the same and life is very different and I hate being two faced to my little sister and my little brother on the holidays and there birthday and act like im happy and I am for them but my litte sister's birthday falls in the same birthady as my brother Alex who past away and its hard. I just wish I was there for him more often than I was but I had to be in school and my parents would not let me skip to be there with them and I feel very guilty for not being there as often to spend time with him,Now I'm a police officer and god has blessed me that for some miricle out of nowhere my partner shows up and i dont know how he found me to ask me a question about the job and this happend twice when I wanted to take my service weapon and kill myself and he stopped it both times god just doesnt want me to go but I cant cope with it and Im just not the same anymore....this is just a brief of my story and when I think I'm ready I will post my whole story

Love yall always

Comments for Alex your will always be in my heart

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Nov 08, 2012
Alex you will always be in my heart
by: Doreen U.K.

Berni I am sorry for your loss of your big brother Alex. You are not expected to be so strong that you have to be there for your younger brother and sister. By all means care for them, but be REAL in front of them. If you are sad in front of them tell them the truth you are still sad and grieving for yours and their brother who died. Your family must suspect something is wrong. Can you imagine how they would all feel if you actually did kill yourself and your partner hadn't interupted you. I was once like this. I tried to end my life many times but each time I was interuppted by someone. I was saved. God would not let me die. This too is the same for you. You have some purpose in life and God will show you in time what this is. You have to grieve first. Take yourself off to a grief counsellor and let them support you in your grief. You will come through this a healthier and happier person. You will be able to honour your brother without the pain. You will be able to also look after your younger brother and sister, and be able to do this in a healthier way that will help them and you. I have done the whole thing and I know how hard it is, but also I know how good it is to be free of such pain that explodes inside you and you just can't go on. Counsellors do such a great job of holding the pain whilst you work out your grief. It is such a great feeling to come out from where you are right now. I can feel your pain because I have been in the same place. You will come out of this dark sorrowful tunnel of grief. It is a journey for all of us, but we have to hold on. Better days will come for all of you. HOLD ON TO LIFE.

Nov 08, 2012
Roy Anthony Gonzales 30 years old R.I.P aka Bub
by: Jennifer aka sis

Hello I hope u r having a blessed day today , I read ur post . I also feel ur pain I lost my brother 2 mths ago so it's the beginning 4 my family . I also felt like dieing I own a gun and would picture myself using it . But we have 2 think about r family here on earth and also we need 2 get 2 heaven not hell. I can't wait tell god takes me 4 I can see all my loved ones that r gone , I am not scared anymore after my bro died . Just please remember ur bro is proud of ur career and also ur family here needs u in there life ok . We will leave earth when god needs us pray a lot it really helps my heart and soul . Of course it won't ever b the same on holidays or birthdays cause we r always going 2 think about them always no matter what time or day it is . Please try not 2 feel bad ur brother knows how much u loved him on earth and in heaven he sees everything . I love this site everybody here feels r pain when I feel down I read posts and it gives me comfort . Thanks 4 sharing ur story about ur bro . B strong pray when u feel down .

Nov 07, 2012
Take a moment and breath
by: Shiela

Berni, As I was reading your story it came to me that maybe, just maybe you have an angel watching over you. And just maybe if at all possible it's your brother. I'm sure he would not want to see you hurt the way it sounds. And when it's time to share your your whole story you will. When things began come in on you and it feel like a cloud just take in beep breaths until you feel at ease. I know it's hard to believe that there could be someone that understand what loss feel like. But trust me I do. Maybe one day we will have the chance to share our story. I am looking forward in seeing your post when the time is right. Take care of your self and take a moment to breath.

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