All at Once

by MissChris
(Windsor, CA)


In January 2010, my husband was diagnosed with terminal liver disease and was given 1-2 years to live. We were all coming to grips with him only having a short time left. Our 22 year old son moved back home to help care for him. In March 2010, my 22 year old son suffered a heart attack in his room and we were unable to revive him. In May 2010, my 24 year old son, who was in the Marine Corps, died from complications from surgery on his foot. Both of our boys died seven weeks apart. Along with burying our boys, I knew my husbands death was right around the corner. He hung in there through the holidays and died 8 months after our last son died. I never had a chance to grieve for each person before another one would die. My body went into a state of shock and I felt like I was a robot. I guess my body was trying to protect itself. To lose my family in 10 months was too much to handle.

I had to get used to living alone. That was something I hadn't done since 1982. My whole life as I knew it, had been ripped apart. I started going to a grief therapist weekly, a few months after my husband died. It has helped me so much in dealing with my emotions. One thing I found strange is that I couldn't cry. I was told that it was from being in shock. I wanted to cry and I wanted to scream. I noticed if I heard songs on the radio that reminded me of them, I would start to tear up. At night I now go to YouTube and listen to all my "crying" songs. It helps me get all the tears out for the day. After I cry, I type 2-3 pages in a journal. Also, in my journal are my prayers. I type them out, so I can go back and see how they are being answered. It has become a very healing process for me. If anyone is interested I could share my song list. I titled my story "All at Once" by Whitney Houston. It kind of sums up what has happened in my life.

Sadly, it takes time to get used to grief. When there's 3 deaths in less than a year, I'm not sure how much time it will really take. I know I won't get over losing them, now I'm just trying to learn how to live without them. I lean on God for support everyday.

Comments for All at Once

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Mar 02, 2012
To you who's heart has been tested
by: Anonymous

my heart and my prayers are with you. I pray that you may find comfort and your pain can be somehow soothed. I very well know what it feels like to loose your child, and I can't imagine to loose my whole family. God is an awesome God and he will provide you with people to love and care for. Love is active and does not end. Find reasons to love and be loved even though it may seem impossible.
for now receive a warm hug from a mother that as many others who write here have loved their children, husband, mother, father etc, etc. Not easy but the grace of God hold us strong.
kindly, Sendy

Mar 02, 2012
Too Much for One to Bear
by: Judith in California

Miss Chris, your writing is so sad regarding the loss of way too much of the loves of your life. I can't imagine how much pain you're in but I did loose my husand 18 months ago and if I had to triple that pain it would be too much to bear, I'm sure.
The only thing you have is time on your side and the faith to pray to keep you strong to get to that long journey to peace and acceptance. The hole in your heart is so bg and will take years to heal. And even then you will have a inward sadness that only you will know for the longest time.

I have said a prayer, asking for God to bless you in this journey and to help you find peace.

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