All I've Lost
(Wichita Falls, TX)
The first loss I experienced in my family was one of my paternal grandmother's sister, my great aunt, when I was about 9 years old. Then, my maternal grandfather passed away when I was about 11. However, the most major and most impacting loss I experienced was the death of my mother in January of 2008. I was only fourteen. After she passed away, everything went downhill. I moved in with my paternal grandparents. After about a year, my grandfather became very ill with multiple cancers. He died in January of 2010. My grandmother had also became very ill as the result of strokes and other medical problems. After my grandfather died, my grandmother's sister, my great aunt, moved in to help care for her. By this time, my grandma had decided she didn't want me to live with her anymore, so she discussed things with my father and I was to live with him, my stepmother, and their child, my half sister. Meanwhile, my OTHER half sister, from my mother and stepfather, was living with her father after the passing of our mother. I hardly saw her, still hardly see her. (He is now remarried, ALREADY, and moved away). At the time my mother passed away, my brother was away in boot camp, and then place to place, foster homes and group homes through CPS. (He is now back, since 2010, and we have a stronger relationship than we've ever had. We grew up together, not always getting along too well, but naturally, losing our mom brought us together.) Well, while my grandmother was hospitalized due to the major stroke, her sister that had been helping care for her had passed away. Soon after, in November 2010, my grandmother passed away. This comes to a total of six losses in only seven years. The most impacting on me being my mother, and my two paternal grandparents within only 2 years. After my mother died, everything went downhill for me. After moving in with my grandparents, and then to my dad's (where there was frequent conflicts between us), being kicked out soon after I turned eighteen, moving in with a friend, kicked out of there, moving in with a relative of a friend, moving from there to my maternal grandmother's, the only grandparent I have left, I've only been with her for a few months and it's already getting bad. All of these things made this huge impact on me. I've been depressed, stressed, and unhappy for years, since my mom passed away, and everything just getting piled up and falling apart after that, and I just don't understand how I'm supposed to handle all of this; losing the closest people to me, moving from place to place, having almost nobody to turn to except those that only SAY they'll be there but you know that when it comes down to you actually needing them, there's nothing they can do. All I do is think about when I'll finally be able to be happy, when things finally decide to go right for me. I've never been more stuck, confused and lost in my life, and I really don't know how I'm supposed to handle it, but the only thing I constantly remind myself, the only thing that barely keeps me from losing my mind, is the simple fact and my strong belief that there's a reason for everything. I just have to keep believing that.