Allan Cason.Full term,but forever gone.

by Megan
(Canada)


Allan Cason.

He was our first born son,first child.Taken August 19th,2012,12:26am.

My fiancé and I met when we were just kids, around 5 years old. We were very next door neighbours! We've always shared a special bond,

We were eachothers first loves.Life moves on,we fell apart untill August of 2011.We rekindled our love, and started dating.

I got a big fat positive on a pregnancy test December 10th,2011.It was one of the best days of my life.I was so happy,love of my life,

recently engaged, and now pregnant!. It was a normal pregnancy,right from the get-go I was always told how "happy" he was,

with his big strong happy heart.March 29th 2012 we had a scan at around 19 weeks,and foundout we were pregnant with a boy.Mike was over the moon.

It took me a little while to come around,I'd always pictured myself with a girl.The love I grew for my little boy,is that like no other.

Skip forward to around 31 weeks,I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes.It hit me really hard,I felt like I failed,and failed the safety

of my son.I did really well with the diabetes,controlled it with diet and working-out alone..no insulin needed.

I went to my check-up Tuesday August 14th,and I was to be induced August 17th due to the gestational diabetes,they didn't want me going over my date(19th).

I arrived Friday around 8am,and was told there were no beds available,they were very low staff,and so I was sent home. Around 12 I got a call from the hospital,

telling me a room had become free,and to come in asap.I arrived around 1:30pm.Around 2:30 I was good to go,cervidil was inserted and so I just wait.

Around 8am the next morning I was checked,and had my waters broken.This wasn't my regular OB, he wasn't able to attend the birth.Around 11am I was checked again,

and Pitocin was started.The baby was "sunny side up" and cause horrible back pain,and I have a pretty high pain tolerance.The nurse gave me morphine throughout the day,

I was never told of any risks.Around 9 pm I got an epidural,I was exhausted and in hard labor for 8 hours. 9:30 I was ready to push.I had some troubles at first,

Either I didn't know how to push,or the epidural was making it hard.I finally got the hang of it, and by 10:30 the baby was crowning.His heartbeat had been good

for the whole ordeal.There are things that bothered me,such as everytime I needed to push,the nurse would take the monitor off my stomach,and hold my leg,then try

and find the heartbeat again,which she struggled with quite often.At one point,nurse and doctor had a slight argument about if it was my heart, or babies.

They eventually decided it was babies.Anyway,the doctor was called in around 11:30.Again,I had been crowning since 10:30.She came and tried to stretch me untill

around 12:20.Finally,she did an episiotomy(at the request of the nurse..).One final push and Allan was born at 12:26am..white,and limp.No cry,no breath,nothing.

Michael cut the cord,and the baby was whisked off to a table beside us.Code pink was called and before I know it the room was filled with people.Right then and

there I knew my baby was gone,but I prayed anyway,harder then ever before.My mother turned my head from my baby and just cupped my face,telling me to think positive.

And so I did. The doctor was working on getting my bleeding to stop,as I had started hemorrhaging.At one point she leaned in and said she has no idea what happened,

that they are "helping" him.That led me to believe he was alive..just needing help.I lay there for about 40 minutes,getting worked on myself,with the baby right beside

me.At one point,we heard a couple of nurses laughing,and my instant thought was "he's" okay.Around 10 minutes later they took him out of the room,and across

the hall.The OB asked me permission to do a blood transfusion on the baby,and I agreed.What seemed like less then 5 minutes,the pediatrician on call came in,

and told me they had tried to bring him back for an hour with nothing,and asked for permission to stop.I was in shock and said nothing,and she then stated "we're stopping."

I broke down in tears,the room turned cold,empty,I could hear and see nothing.This was the end of any hope I had.

A short while after,they brought my beautiful boy in, and all I could do was cry and scream "Oh my baby".I have never felt such pain in my life.This was

supposed to be the happiest day of my life,and it was the worst,worst..worst.They put him in my arms, and I could barely make out his face my eyes were so flooded.

The tubes and tape all still attatched to his lifeless,and yet perfect body.I wanted nothing more then to rip them off.The pedi had said she took an xray,

and the babies heart looked a little large..and if that were the case,I was keeping him alive.That was later proved to be untrue due to an autopsy.We're still waiting

on the rest of the reports,but thus far,it's not looking like they can find anything.He's a perfectly healthy baby.

We spent the night with him in our room,family left around 4,5am I'm not even sure.The hospitals priest came and blessed,and baptized him.Shortly after I fell asleep.

The following day I was told I could have the baby as long as I wanted,for friends and family to come and visit.Then the pedi came in and told me I had 15 minutes.

Luckily my mom showed up in time,and we all said our good-byes.I again screamed in horror as the nice nurse,took my baby away.

I discharged myself from the hospital that day around 2pm.I couldn't bare to be around other new moms,hearing the babies,the heartbeats.It was too much,and so I left.

In horrible pain,both mentally and physically due to the taring and episiotomy.A nice nurse,we'll call her Samantha,was a doll and got A lock of Allan's beautiful

long hair,his footprints,his outfit and blankets they used, and packed it up for me.

The walk out of the hospital was horrible.Empty arms,empty heart,empty life.


We had a wonderful funeral for my little one,and despite the dissaproval from many..and most, I had an open casket.I'm so glad I did.He just looks like a

sleeping Angel,so peaceful. I will never forget how much hair he has,incredible full head.Soft as silk.I never got to hear a cry,or see a smile,a coo..I can only hope

someday I will.

As many tell me,I'm only 22 I can have another,what they don't understand is,I want HIM.

I don't know what happened that day,I do know there was much wrong.

-The fetal heart monitor was broken.Jammed,turned off,didn't monitor contractions and his heartbeat at all times
-The nurse kept taking it off during pushes
-They lost his heartbeat many times
-I wasn't told risks of morphine,epi's,or even pitocin
-They wern't prepared for a death.
-Wrong sized tubes
-Used the wrong fluids
-Did not know how to hook tubes up
-Wern't following neonatal chart.


Whether or not it had something to do with any of that,or I'm just a broken mother looking for answers..none of it really matters,he's gone, and nothing will change that.

I'm greatful for the time I got.Not every woman experiences pregnancy,not even to term.I gave birth to a beautiful 9 pound baby boy.I got to hold him,even if only

for a short while.I'm so greatful to have met my little man,I just wish,from time to time,things turned out differently.

To all the mama's who've gone through this,I'm so sorry.To the one's who will,I am even more sorry.My heart aches for you all.

-Megan.

Comments for Allan Cason.Full term,but forever gone.

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Jan 24, 2013
Allen
by: Debi M.

Megan -

I hope that your days ahead are a little easier. Praying for you all.

Debi M.
Texas

Jan 21, 2013
Allan's Mommy.
by: Megan

Hi all. Thank you so much for reading my story, altho I am sure it's in bits and pieces and all over the place as it was all still fresh.

2 days ago marked 5 months, and it's still all too surreal. I miss him everday and it hasn't got any easier.

I thank you all for your kind words,thoughts prayers and blessings, it means so much.

My heart breaks for you all, it really does. I hate knowing other people have to go through what I do on a daily basis.

The Dr who delivered my son, is now a full time OB at my Hospital, so if I ever did decide to have another, it looks like I won't be doing it here.I don't hate her or anything, I just don't forgive her,yet,and certainly don't trust her again.

I am praying for you all, and of course, all of your precious children. <3

Jan 18, 2013
For you are not alone~
by: Maile D.

I too lost my baby the day of my repeat c-sect. He was our 5th child (a boy) Our stories are similar for I too feel that the staff didn't handle my pain like a human. I too had 1 nurse who took the time to hold my hand,take pictures, and keepsakes for that was the last things on our minds. We had 24hrs to spend with our son before discharging from the hospital-empty-handed. I keep my faith in GOD for one day HE will show me "Why" Aloha from Hawaii~

Sep 22, 2012
You are not alone
by: Anonymous

I am so sorry for your loss. I want you to know that you are not alone. I lost my son on August 8, 2012. He was a full term baby. He and I were both healthy going into labor. I went into labor on my own just a few days before my due date. Matthew was not monitored properly during labor. His heart stopped beating and by the time they realized it, it was too late to save him. I know the pain. You are not alone. Every loss is different but I know at least the depth of your pain. One thing that gives me at least some measure of comfort is the realization that I am the one who is suffering- my baby is not suffering and neither is yours. I truly believe your baby -and mine- is in a much better place..in the arms of Jesus. I would honestly rather our children were in our arms but alas that cannot be right now...but someday. Bless you and know you are not alone.

Sep 22, 2012
You are not alone
by: Anonymous

I am so sorry for your loss. I want you to know that you are not alone. I lost my son on August 8, 2012. He was a full term baby. He and I were both healthy going into labor. I went into labor on my own just a few days before my due date. Matthew was not monitored properly during labor. His heart stopped beating and by the time they realized it, it was too late to save him. I know the pain. You are not alone. Every loss is different but I know at least the depth of your pain. One thing that gives me at least some measure of comfort is the realization that I am the one who is suffering- my baby is not suffering and neither is yours. I truly believe your baby -and mine- is in a much better place..in the arms of Jesus. I would honestly rather our children were in our arms but alas that cannot be right now...but someday. Bless you and know you are not alone.

Sep 20, 2012
I know the pain
by: Phyllis

My Momma lost her 3red baby the same way I was 6 but I remember I was afraid my Momma was going to die, she grieved so hard, then this last Dec I lost my youngest son Chad 38, alcohol& drugs,we tried everything had him everywhere, he wouldn't stop, held his big sweet body & rocked his head on my shoulder Kisses him over & over told him how much I loved him, he looked me in the face is said, I am not going to make it this time it hurts to bad & ask me to rub his back, I prayer outloud with all mt heart & soul to save my son, best friend, who was always there to help or have a cook out or watch a movie,he passed away in this 3rd surgery, I know the pain, it doe not get better it seems almost harder now he has been gone over 8 mths, i stiii miss his daily phone calls, I survived a lb ovarian cancer, why didn't God take me I was 59, my boy was only 38 pray for us! mothers every night

Sep 19, 2012
Allan Cason
by: anonymous

Some Angels come for a short period of time and only our Maker knows why. Yes you may have other children but you will never forget what being a Mom for 1rst time felt like. My heart and my prayers are with you and your fiance. It does not matter how old a child is a day a month a yrs or many yrs the loss of a child is a tough one to bear. I pray that you both find comfort and peace in this difficult times. Nevertheless seek help and make sure an investigation is performed as to why this happened. You might not be ready now, because your pain is so intense but gather some strength and make sure this does not happen again. Some Angels come for a short time for a reason and this might be one making sure that others do not go through this if it could have been prevented or the appropriate procedures were not followed. May God bless you both during this difficult times.

Sep 19, 2012
Allan Cason.Full term,but forever gone.
by: silver

I cannot imagine the grief you are bearing up under. The only child I lost was when I was4-5 wks along. Back then (38 yrs ago)I hadn't even been confirmed pregnant & they didn't have any way to decide the gender. The grief was not as bad as it possibly could have been because I was also having a really bad time with my "husband" who later became my ex. I found out at my parents house because I had "escaped" him for awhile. I wish I could give both of you comfort. Hold each other and share your grief and how it makes you feel. I have known people who held their grief in and ended up losing each other because they couldn't understand why the other didn't react how they perceived they should. GOD give you strength and love. The others who tell you that you will have another are probably right but like you feel none will replace this one. Keep him in your life any way you feel is good. I will pray for you.

Sep 19, 2012
Allan
by: Debi M.

Megan -

I am so sorry for your loss - my heart is just grieving for you. What a beautiful little boy. I know that your heart is broken...wishing peace and comfort to you in the days ahead.

Debi M.
Texas


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