Allan Cason.Full term,but forever gone.
He was our first born son,first child.Taken August 19th,2012,12:26am.
My fiancé and I met when we were just kids, around 5 years old. We were very next door neighbours! We've always shared a special bond,
We were eachothers first loves.Life moves on,we fell apart untill August of 2011.We rekindled our love, and started dating.
I got a big fat positive on a pregnancy test December 10th,2011.It was one of the best days of my life.I was so happy,love of my life,
recently engaged, and now pregnant!. It was a normal pregnancy,right from the get-go I was always told how "happy" he was,
with his big strong happy heart.March 29th 2012 we had a scan at around 19 weeks,and foundout we were pregnant with a boy.Mike was over the moon.
It took me a little while to come around,I'd always pictured myself with a girl.The love I grew for my little boy,is that like no other.
Skip forward to around 31 weeks,I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes.It hit me really hard,I felt like I failed,and failed the safety
of my son.I did really well with the diabetes,controlled it with diet and working-out alone..no insulin needed.
I went to my check-up Tuesday August 14th,and I was to be induced August 17th due to the gestational diabetes,they didn't want me going over my date(19th).
I arrived Friday around 8am,and was told there were no beds available,they were very low staff,and so I was sent home. Around 12 I got a call from the hospital,
telling me a room had become free,and to come in asap.I arrived around 1:30pm.Around 2:30 I was good to go,cervidil was inserted and so I just wait.
Around 8am the next morning I was checked,and had my waters broken.This wasn't my regular OB, he wasn't able to attend the birth.Around 11am I was checked again,
and Pitocin was started.The baby was "sunny side up" and cause horrible back pain,and I have a pretty high pain tolerance.The nurse gave me morphine throughout the day,
I was never told of any risks.Around 9 pm I got an epidural,I was exhausted and in hard labor for 8 hours. 9:30 I was ready to push.I had some troubles at first,
Either I didn't know how to push,or the epidural was making it hard.I finally got the hang of it, and by 10:30 the baby was crowning.His heartbeat had been good
for the whole ordeal.There are things that bothered me,such as everytime I needed to push,the nurse would take the monitor off my stomach,and hold my leg,then try
and find the heartbeat again,which she struggled with quite often.At one point,nurse and doctor had a slight argument about if it was my heart, or babies.
They eventually decided it was babies.Anyway,the doctor was called in around 11:30.Again,I had been crowning since 10:30.She came and tried to stretch me untill
around 12:20.Finally,she did an episiotomy(at the request of the nurse..).One final push and Allan was born at 12:26am..white,and limp.No cry,no breath,nothing.
Michael cut the cord,and the baby was whisked off to a table beside us.Code pink was called and before I know it the room was filled with people.Right then and
there I knew my baby was gone,but I prayed anyway,harder then ever before.My mother turned my head from my baby and just cupped my face,telling me to think positive.
And so I did. The doctor was working on getting my bleeding to stop,as I had started hemorrhaging.At one point she leaned in and said she has no idea what happened,
that they are "helping" him.That led me to believe he was alive..just needing help.I lay there for about 40 minutes,getting worked on myself,with the baby right beside
me.At one point,we heard a couple of nurses laughing,and my instant thought was "he's" okay.Around 10 minutes later they took him out of the room,and across
the hall.The OB asked me permission to do a blood transfusion on the baby,and I agreed.What seemed like less then 5 minutes,the pediatrician on call came in,
and told me they had tried to bring him back for an hour with nothing,and asked for permission to stop.I was in shock and said nothing,and she then stated "we're stopping."
I broke down in tears,the room turned cold,empty,I could hear and see nothing.This was the end of any hope I had.
A short while after,they brought my beautiful boy in, and all I could do was cry and scream "Oh my baby".I have never felt such pain in my life.This was
supposed to be the happiest day of my life,and it was the worst,worst..worst.They put him in my arms, and I could barely make out his face my eyes were so flooded.
The tubes and tape all still attatched to his lifeless,and yet perfect body.I wanted nothing more then to rip them off.The pedi had said she took an xray,
and the babies heart looked a little large..and if that were the case,I was keeping him alive.That was later proved to be untrue due to an autopsy.We're still waiting
on the rest of the reports,but thus far,it's not looking like they can find anything.He's a perfectly healthy baby.
We spent the night with him in our room,family left around 4,5am I'm not even sure.The hospitals priest came and blessed,and baptized him.Shortly after I fell asleep.
The following day I was told I could have the baby as long as I wanted,for friends and family to come and visit.Then the pedi came in and told me I had 15 minutes.
Luckily my mom showed up in time,and we all said our good-byes.I again screamed in horror as the nice nurse,took my baby away.
I discharged myself from the hospital that day around 2pm.I couldn't bare to be around other new moms,hearing the babies,the heartbeats.It was too much,and so I left.
In horrible pain,both mentally and physically due to the taring and episiotomy.A nice nurse,we'll call her Samantha,was a doll and got A lock of Allan's beautiful
long hair,his footprints,his outfit and blankets they used, and packed it up for me.
The walk out of the hospital was horrible.Empty arms,empty heart,empty life.
We had a wonderful funeral for my little one,and despite the dissaproval from many..and most, I had an open casket.I'm so glad I did.He just looks like a
sleeping Angel,so peaceful. I will never forget how much hair he has,incredible full head.Soft as silk.I never got to hear a cry,or see a smile,a coo..I can only hope
someday I will.
As many tell me,I'm only 22 I can have another,what they don't understand is,I want HIM.
I don't know what happened that day,I do know there was much wrong.
-The fetal heart monitor was broken.Jammed,turned off,didn't monitor contractions and his heartbeat at all times
-The nurse kept taking it off during pushes
-They lost his heartbeat many times
-I wasn't told risks of morphine,epi's,or even pitocin
-They wern't prepared for a death.
-Wrong sized tubes
-Used the wrong fluids
-Did not know how to hook tubes up
-Wern't following neonatal chart.
Whether or not it had something to do with any of that,or I'm just a broken mother looking for answers..none of it really matters,he's gone, and nothing will change that.
I'm greatful for the time I got.Not every woman experiences pregnancy,not even to term.I gave birth to a beautiful 9 pound baby boy.I got to hold him,even if only
for a short while.I'm so greatful to have met my little man,I just wish,from time to time,things turned out differently.
To all the mama's who've gone through this,I'm so sorry.To the one's who will,I am even more sorry.My heart aches for you all.