almost 10 years and still cant move on

by jennifer
(Longview tx)

My name is jennifer and I am 27. I met a guy named joseph december 15 2003 after talking many months prior we instantl y bonded. We shared so much in common from family life to hobbies and never spent a day apart it never got old and we never got tired of one another. He was killed in a car accident and it happened 4 miles from my house. I even heard the sirens and police cars. This is a day ill never forget because I had that gut wrenching feeling that something terrible happened. It wasn't until 8 am his mom called me to tell me he wasn't going to come home because he had been killed in a car wreck. I was calm and got off the phone with her and then ran down the hallway and collapsed at my parents door. I went into shock and had to be sedated and kept that way for weeks. I cannot get past this. The topic makes me cry and its even been almost 10 years. I cannot commit in any relationship and always push people away that try and get close. This man was my everything I loved him whole heartedly. Does anyone else go through this too???

Comments for almost 10 years and still cant move on

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Jul 17, 2013
Also lost Boyfriend
by: Natalie

So sorry for what you are going through. I also lost my boyfriend in a tragic accident 16 years ago and sometimes it still seems like it just happened. I thought the world had ended for me and I wanted time to hurry up so that I could go to the next life and be with him. I never imagined that I could be happy again and move on. It took me many years to be able to date again and let myself have feelings for someone again but I still found myself comparing everyone to him and they could never measure up. As time went on I learned how to deal with it better until finally I found someone I could love again and we have been married for 10 years now and have two children. I once thought my life had ended and now I can't imagine a life without my husband and sweet children. I had to move on, and have the best life possible. My husband isn't better than my boyfriend that died he is just different and I love them both. It is still hard for me and I still miss him but I believe we will see each other again in the next life and I know my boyfriend is still a part of my life and watches over me.

I recently lost my brother in another tragic accident and I feel that the lessons I learned from dealing with the loss of my boyfriend has helped my in dealing with the loss of my brother. People are in our lives for a reason and I feel maybe that is one of the reasons he was in my life for a short period of time. Everyone deals with loss differently and in their own time. Hang in there, pray and seek some help, you don't have to go through this alone. It may be hard to believe now but it is possible for you to find happiness again and I pray that you will be able to.

Jun 30, 2013
Yes, I understand
by: Kristina

My situation is not exactly the same as yours, as my husband didn't die in an accident, he died of a sudden and massive heart attack, one week after our wedding (we were together for nearly 13 years).

This was 9 months ago. I will NEVER move on. I will NEVER have another romantic/sexual relationship. I will not "go on with my life", or any of the other platitudes people say (usually in an attempt to help, but it's a misguided attempt). Some people say that you have to go on, that there is no choice, but that simply isn't true. If you choose to move forward in your life then there's nothing wrong with that, and quite honestly a lot of people would probably be happier doing so. I am not one of them. Nothing will make me happy again until I die and can be with my husband again (if there is an afterlife).

I want to die as soon as possible; I wish I had died at the same time my husband did. Since I promised my family I won't kill myself, instead I pray every day that I will die that day, even though I don't know if there's a god and if there is I have nothing but anger for her/him/it.

Anyway, I am just saying that you're not alone in the way you feel. My husband is my soulmate, the love of my life, and for me life is not worth living at all, without him. If I am so unfortunate as to still be alive in ten years (and I PRAY that I am not), then i'm sure I will still feel the same way.

I'm sorry that you are having to deal with the death of your love.

Jun 27, 2013
almost 10 years and still can't move on
by: Doreen U.K.

Jennifer I am sorry for your loss of your beloved boyfriend to a tragic and sudden death. This loss has crushed you to the point that you can't move forward from your loss. You need to urgently see a counsellor who is skilled and will be able to assist you to unlock those repressed memories of losing your boyfriend.
I was in a position where I couldn't live due to losses in my life. I couldn't move forward till I went into counselling and unlocked those repressed memories stopping me from moving forward. It was a very painful time, but worth the Freedom and Healing I received. I am now able to move forward in life in ways I never imagined. God puts people into our lives for a REASON & A SEASON. You will have this loving memory of your boyfriend forever. It hurts when you can't continue being in love and living with someone you love deeply. I loved a husband for 44yrs. and then he died of cancer 14 months ago. He was my first love. I have been crushed by his death. But I have to go on in life whether I like it or not. He retired 11 months and this was our time to enjoy life and instead he dies. I was angry. I never saw much of him due to his working all over the world. I never got the valuable time I needed. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Don't waste any more time with the Fear of what might happen. We will keep loving and losing people from our lives. But we have to go on and restructure our lives as best as we can. You do have the right to be happy and fulfilled. If you keep pushing people away from you then you will never know what life could be like for you. You could have so many rich memories and even have the joy of children. You will never know until you try to put your life back together again with the help of others. You don't have to do it alone.
I read a book of Elizabeth Elliot a missionary. Her husband was killed by the Auca Indians in such a brutal way. The women went in and finished the work their husband's started. Elizabeth Elliot lost 3 husbands. She didn't give up. She rose up and lived life to the best of her ability. She became the missionary and saved many lives through her dedication. Please try and find a way to get your life back and live it well so you don't look back with regret of the wasted years. Best wishes.

Jun 26, 2013
almost 10 yrs and still can't move on
by: silver

Dear Jennifer,please talk to someone.This site is good and has been a blessing for me.I was blessed to have 33 yrs with the love of my life.I know your time was short but be thankful you had that love for whatever time you had.There is a poem on this site that I think says it best.It's called "Rememberance".It is so beautiful.I feel like you may be thinking "what if..." and "I wish we would have...".Most cities have a mental health center and will set the fee to your income.Check your insurance if you have some as a lot of them allow for some care.If you have a friend talk to them.This kind of grief is hard and you need to find a way to go on and begin living again.I can't be with you as I live too far away (another state)but I send you hugs for when you need them.GOD send you strength and peace.

Jun 26, 2013
Our Grief
by: Dear Jennifer

This Saturday will be the 2 year mark of my Gary's death. I came on this site for comfort and the first site I see is yours. Oh Jennifer, I know the feeling of losing the love of your life, and the thought of never finding anyone one to fill the void. I know the feeling of betrayal if I even think of finding some one else, because in my mind I still think he will walk in the door any minute. My man was here and in a flash he was gone like yours. Jennifer, I have been going to the Hospice Grief Support meetings in town and they have help me a lot. Please seek out a group support to get you through this. 10 years is way too much time to find peace and I know the love of your life, Joseph, would not want you to suffer the way you are. I will pray for your peace when I pray for mine.

Jun 26, 2013
your grief
by: Lawrence

Hi Jennifer,
We all go through the devastating, heart wrenching horror of losing the one you love more than life itself. I am suffering badly after losing my wife and sweetheart six months ago after being together for seventy years, but ten years to mourn is much too long and you need to see a grief counselor who will help you enormously to get over this tragedy .
You are still a very young woman with all your life ahead of you, don’t waste it as life is so precious and time passes so quickly.
Joseph would not want you to be so unhappy so do it for him.

Jun 26, 2013
Dear Jennifer
by: Judith in California

Jennifer,It's 5:45 am and I felt I had to write. Most folks learn to cope and move forward and enter into other relationships because we as people want to be connected to someone in a loving committed way.

It's horrible to loose someone you love in any way, be it from a breakup, divorce and most horribly death. But when we accept that death is a part of living then we can put things in perspective. Even when some one is injured and dies, as we see it, prematurely. Yes, it's not fair but God took him because he was too injured.

Be glad for the time you did have together. A lot of people never have that even when they try hard to have it.

I advise you to seek professional help to see why it's hard to let go of this and find happiness in a loving relationship. I'm sure your special friend would not want you to pine away and not have a life that's full. There are support groups that can be found in hospital, churches or individual psychologist. Please seek that help. You are too young give up on seeking a gratifying life.

I lost my husband of 35 1/2 years 2 years and 9 months ago. Yes, it's most difficult to deal with but I know I have to move forward to be here for my son and my sisters. They still need me and I them. God will choose my time and I must make the best of it until then. May he give you strength to seek the help you deserve so you may find contentment. It's time.

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