Almost 3 months later
It has almost been 3 months since the love of my life for 31 yeas died. I still do not have the death certificates and therefore still do not know what caused his death. I have an emptiness inside that can not be explained. I have his picture and ashes lying beside my bed so he is the first thing I see when I wake and the last thing I see went I go to bed. My days are filled with so many different emotions. Sometimes I feel guilt because I feel like I didn't grieve him enough that day and other days it is all I can think about. I went several days without crying and now it comes so easily again as if it just happened. The images of walking into our bedroom the morning he died and seeing him collapsed on the bed will not leave my mind. Time is just standing still. I want so much to move on with my life. I am 48 years old and feel I have nothing to look forward to in my life. I have no job, no money and no prospect for either. I am at the mercy of others and feel like a child again. I don't have a voice in fear that I will offend the relatives that have so graciously allowed me and my son to live with them. I want to live on my own but cant, I want to know that someday in the future I can be happy again but I don't believe it will ever be. I miss him and the life we had so desperately.