Almost 5 months since I lost my mom

by Crystal

My mother had been depressed for several years. She had her ups and downs, good days and bad days. She lived with me for a couple months in 2006 and again for 6 months in 2009.
When she went home in 2009 she was doing well. She had reconnected with old friends, was selling tupperware and candlelight and seemed very happy.

It was spring/summer of 2010 when I noticed she was going downhill. I made sure to call often (I was and still am deployed) but she always said she was fine and was taking her medication.
I found out she wasn't. She decided to take her meds every other day or longer to make them last. Their insurance had run out and she didn't bother to worry about her medication. She slowly continued to go downhill. I still tried to call as often as possible.

In late July she went to the hospital. She was kept for 1 week on suicide watch, and in that week she was sounding good. She was sounding like she was coming to terms with her depression and taking her meds. 1 week after being released, she killed herself. She had several attempts in years previous but never had succeeded. This was planned out; there were 2 notes (that I still don't know what they said and won't until I can go home next year) and she left a memorial on her bed of me.

I was VERY close to my mother and feel horrible that I couldn't be there for her. I feel horrible because I didn't call her the day she killed herself. I feel horrible because the day I did call her we had a small argument because I was trying to get her to think positive and I let her know that I didn't like talking with her when she was being so negative because it made me upset. I did let her know how much I loved her and would always love her. But now, it just doesn't seem like enough.

I try to ignore thoughts of her, or at least not allowing them to come to the forefront of my mind. When they do, I'm often left with sobbing and questioning myself and feeling of guilt. I'm better at work as I really have no choice, but when I have time off I try to read or watch movies or do anything so I don't think about her and fall asleep crying.

I am seeing a grief counselor and hope that it helps me in my healing process. I want to be home with family but I can't.