Almost 5 Years

by Dawn England
(Harrogate, England)

I lost my dad at quite a young age, barely 10. It was hard accepting it at first.
He was a bit older than my mum, and had quite a few health problems, none that came to light until it was too late. He insisted my mum and I went in holiday over December 2007 to visit family in the Philippines, meaning we were on the other side of the world. and we came back New Year's Eve of 2008, and we admitted him to hospital that evening. He passed away on the 9th of January.
I cried once that time, but so many more times after, and missed one day of school only. Only the teachers knew as I didn't need any other kids asking me questions, how would I answer them? I was pretty much in denial for the first few months, not that I didn't understand, but because I just didn't want to believe he wouldn't be around to watch me grow up. my mum and I hardly talked about it, both of us sulking off by ourselves as openly talking about him, even now, would probably end in us both breaking down. though, I wish we did talk about him, I feel so lonely sometimes, like I'm the only one who misses him. my mum loved him very much, but she has moved on now. I'm glad she's found someone because shes happy.
sometimes ill randomly think about him, then feel guilty for having such a good time without him. I'm happy, my friends are the best and I'm getting on. But occasionally Ill think about him and regret not spending more time with him, not appreciating him as much as I should have, and feel guilty for not thinking about him as often as I should. but he'd want me to be happy, and I am. I don't think anyone would know that I've suffered from such a loss unless I told them, and that's fine., because dad wouldn't want me to dwell on him too much. my life would move so different If he were still alive, and I miss him so much sometimes. but I can't change that.
I can only try and live up to be the kind of daughter he'd be proud of. and though I'm not a strong believer in God, if he's real and my dad is up there with him looking down on me, I'm going to act stupid sometimes, do silly things, without you there to guide me. And you won't be able to help with the boy problems. But I can take care of myself, and I'm taking care of mum.
I love you daddy<3

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