Almost a year,they say it gets easier,i wish it did

by emma

I lost mum on 13th of August 2013 five days before her 53rd birthday to kidney cancer that had spread to her lungs,liver,spine and eventually brain.
She had been diagnosed in august 2011 and had her kidney removed which we were told was mostly tumour and an agressive one at that but that they thought theyd got it,we all breathed a sigh of relief and carried on with life as normal.
Six months later a routine scan picked up cancer in her lungs,it was now incurable but they could treat it,buy her more time,she played it down not wanting to worry us i guess,said she wasnt going anywhere but i knew the odds and i knew it was only a matter of time.
What followed was just over a year of her taking various anti cancer drugs which had little effect on stopping the cancer spreading but made her feel really awful and took my mum or at least my mum as i knew her away bit by bit,it was heartbreaking.
Then at the end of June 2013 mum had a fall and broke a bone in her back,i afterwards learnt that wasnt the first time she had fallen.A few days later while in hospital she had a seizure and bleed,they called us to the hospital and told us the cancer was in her brain and there was nothing more they could do,i dont think they thought she would survive the weekend.She rallied though and we had another five weeks or so with her.I hated seeing her like she was,she was such an independent (stubborn almost) woman and to see her so dependent and ill was horrible but im thankful for those last few weeks of time with her at least.
She died early hours of the morning on the 13th of august 2013 in her sleep,my stepdad sat by her side.I dont think it sank in for ages after she died that she had actually gone.Its been almost a year now and some days are ok,others not so good.Sometimes something reminds me of her or i see something she would like or when ive had a bad day and all i want to do is talk to her and her to make me feel better like only she could and i remember that i cant just call her up,that shes not here and it still hurts as much as it did when i first lost her.They say it gets better or easier at least,i really hope it does.
My mum was someone who knew me like nobody else,sometimes i think she knew me better than i knew myself,she knew what to say to make me feel better or stop worrying,she loved me no matter what,she was fun to be around,caring,a great friend and i wish she was still here,id give anything to hear her voice again.
Love you and miss you so much mum,xxxx

Comments for Almost a year,they say it gets easier,i wish it did

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Jul 16, 2014
Time is all we have so much of. Time to Heal.
by: Doreen UK

Garima when reading your post I could identify with the cancer journey. You say you had faith and you prayed. I did the same and my husband died. After my anger subsided it occurred to me that God is in control and He healed my husband by taking him home. The cancer destroyed his body growing inside him for 40yrs. A slow growing cancer from asbestos and which was incurable and inoperable from inhaling the fibres of asbestos. He died of an Industrial disease. Many people inhaled the fibres of asbestos and their story goes on. The cancer journey is a horrendous one. Very few remissions and there is always that worry "Will the cancer come back?" Every time you go to the hospital with your loved one and you feel so afraid that it will be bad news. Those were the times I hated. I think a cancer patient can only fight so much and then the battle is over. They die. Not because they didn't fight hard enough, but because it was meant to be. Cancer invaded their body and claimed their life. So much pressure is put on the patient trying to live and knowing they are going to die. Wondering what your loved one is thinking. Knowing you can only comfort them so much. Wanting to hold on to time so that it lasts longer. Wanting to stretch the 24hrs in the day so you can spend more time with your loved one. We are the one's left now to fight through our tears and pain and try to heal from our loss. We will recover from grief in Time. This is all we have so much of. TIME. We will Heal from our loss.

Jul 16, 2014
I am feeling the same
by: Jane

Dear Emma, while I was reading your words I cried and cried and cried. I just couldn´t stop. It all reminds me so much of my Mom and me. I wish so much I could write too the whole storry here, but I think I am not able to do this in english. But maybe one day I will try it. But all you have written could be my storry too. While am I reading, all the memories come back (sickness - Hospital) and I cannot stop crying. When your griefing is getting very bad, just think, there is somebody right know in Germany, who feels the same way. I´ll pray for you and may God give to you all the help you eed.

Jun 23, 2014
Its as if I was reading my thoughts...
by: Garima

When I read your blog post, it was as if I was reading my thoughts. My mother passed away on the night of 16th November 2013, 3 months after her 53rd birthday. She was diagnosed with a rare aggressive kind of cancer- angio sarcoma in 2012 January. But she got her mastectomy done and it seemed as if the doctors had got all of it and she was clear. I subconsciously took for granted that the bad phase was behind us. But end October 2013 the cancer showed some signs of reappearance in a routine scan. After that it was all downhill. Her cancer spread to her spine, bone marrow, other breast, back. She did chemo, we tried alternative therapy- everything failed. She kept deteriorating but we had faith that she would pull through. It was a sea saw ride or may be we couldnt see the truth.

We decided to give it one more fight- we went in for radiation. She was admitted into the hospital. A week into it she started having trouble breathing and the next day she went into a coma and she never woke up . Her heart gave up. She was given shocks and she cam back thrice but the fourth time, she didnt. She was a fighter. In spite of her pain and no sensation in her legs and one arm, she was sure she would fight it off. In fact 3-4 days before she passed away she called me and promised me that she'll make it through it all. She had never promised me anything before. She always knew what to say to me to make me feel better. She knew me as no one else does. She and I were best friends- told each other everything, maybe too much. Without her this universe seems a little empty... seems a little odd... I am told time heals. Lets hope thats true. I tell myself that Ma would want me to be happy, that she raised you stronger than this- but sometimes none of this works. I miss her hand. We would hold hands and sleep. Even in the hospital. To hold her hand and to hear her voice. If I could just have that... But I know thats not possible... I know that. I know that.

Jun 18, 2014
Almost a year, they say it gets easier, I wish it did.
by: Doreen UK

Emma I know all about the long and horrendous cancer journey and how it affects the whole family. I have been through this and lost my husband of 44yrs. to cancer 2yrs. ago. It is a disease that few have any remission from.
I was told the same thing by my sister, "That in time things would get better." and I don't doubt they will. But it isn't helpful to hear this in the early stages of grief as it doesn't make sense. It took me 9yrs. to cope and heal from the death of my mother 11yrs. ago. The circumstances of how a person died has a lot to do with the type of grief we experience. Also the time frame of healing is different for all of us. For me going through the 2yrs. I thought I wouldn't cry anymore. But I do. Less often but anything can trigger this off. I can even cry at some post's here as I feel what someone is going through. It will trigger off some experience of mine. This can be part of the healing process. I think we have to get worse before we get better. It won't always be like this. I guess we do go forward in time and we do learn to pick up our lives again. But for now we are all in the early stages of grief and can't expect to feel Healed or recovered from our grief.

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