almost one year later...roy's death..my demise

by gloria h. mattocks
(lexington, n.c.)

by the 27th of this month my dearest husband roy wade mattocks will have been gone for one whole torturous year. most mornings it seems like only yesterday...i still go to hospice meetings. not as often as before though. i was holding it together pretty well, i thought, until that 6th month..when everyone decided for me that i should "get on with my life"..his sister, barbara was the first to show her true colors. she didn't love me at all. she told roy on his death bed that she would look after me and love me forever..but she left almost immediately..gone like a puff of smoke..when set adrift, to cope on my on, is when everything went wrong. i couldn't cope. i didn't even want to. seems every decision i have made since then has been a wrong one. i am not equipped to live alone..to venture through life alone..to brave the elements without my soulmate with me. i sadly am not a loner...as i thought i could be..i miss my roy. my angel here on earth, sent by God to watch over me for 40 years of my life. i can feel his presence at times. watching me make my stupid mistakes and shaking his head in wonderment of me. i don't know what will become of me now. and frankly, i don't care. this world has lost all it's appeal for me. i go through the motions of living..no one would ever guess that i hurt so deeply or that my trust in humanity is shattered now. roy shielded me you see, from so many ugly things in this world. i stayed home and cooked and cleaned and raise our children in blessful ignorance..i am definately not ignorant now. just so lonely and so depressed. i don't expect this to ever go away. i had a good life with my roy..now, i have no life. i'm just biding my time..waiting to see him and waiting for God to decide that my sentence is up. everyone said it would get better..but it hasn't or me. how and when will i break? or will i just keep bending? who knows will i be able to get through this holiday without him? i doubt it. but, as always i will try. and no one will know the true depth of pain i am in. only God and my roy will know...

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Dec 04, 2012
almost one year later....roy's death..my demise
by: Doreen U.K.

Gloria, You expressed 100% exactly what I am facing. You are not ALONE. But yet we are both ALONE. I was married 44yrs. and lost Steve to cancer 7 months ago. I can't bear each new day. I am just wasting each new day as I don't want to do anything with it but just sit and watch TV and sleep. No one can tell you How and when you should be moving on with your life. Losing our husband is the worst experience of our life. We will never be the same again.
I know what you mean when you say certain family members will promise to look out for you, and then they disappear and never stay in contact. This compounds one's pain. Life is HELL for us now as we go through life on our own stumbling and trying to do things without our husbands support. I am making more mistakes now since I don't have Steve's input. I am used to him making the final decision on anything. Now I have to do it and learn to live with the decison I made.
I promised to finish off all the jobs in the house that Steve couldn't do so that when I die my daughter won't have to do this. This is keeping me busy for a while. After that what do I do with me? What do I do with my time? The winter is the worst time to be on one's own with longer darker evenings. Too cold to go out.
I feel your anguish as it is not different from mine. I hope that even though we are ALONE You are not going through this by yourself. If you want you can email me whenever you need to for support. doreenelkington@aol.com
Try and reach out to your social services for support. Whatever you do. Don't end your life. We all feel the same way now. We don't feel like living but we have no CHOICE but to live out the rest of our lives till God takes us home.

Dec 03, 2012
Your pain is felt but will not be your demise
by: Brian Matthew Lee

I feel your pain. I know your pain. I've lived the pain and grief that death can bring. The sad truth is, I've lived it many times over. I won't go into details but most were sudden, some painfully slow and utterly unnecessary in light of faith and good prayer. But alas, we misunderstand the profound reason as to why we live and the importance of why, how and when we die.
I have come to realize regarding the loss of loved ones. 1) It is never the right time and always too soon. 2) In death, one gives renewed life to many.
You see, it is without question that we grieve, and grieve terribly so when we lose a loved one. But if we look beyond the our own grief and embrace the gift of reflection, renewed perspective on life, a "reset" if you will, of that which is important and of true value - so many beautiful things are born in death. Is that a fair trade off for us? Of course not - certainly not while we're grieving. But please know that we are all one. Each of us connected some how and some way. After all, I've met you only now on this blog. Why is that?
Let me finish by giving you a gift of song. I wrote this for my younger sister that was dying of cancer. No words could express to her why or how she would face the day she would leave us. Knowing the day was coming made it that much more of a nightmare. I wrote this song to share with her and comfort her in her dying days. It provides inspiration without trying to answer why. It's called 'I Believe'. I hope all that read this will listen and take comfort in the songs words and their meaning. http://brianmatthewlee.com or you may listen here.
http://www.reverbnation.com/artist/fb_share/2758735
God Bless. Brian Matthew Lee

Dec 03, 2012
No Walk in the Park
by: Judith in California

Gloria, all of us fellow widows truly understand what you are feeling and the painy and loneliness. One year is not a miracle for grief to be over. It has been two years for me and I still miss my love. I have gone out and met some nice ladies and we share some dinners and time at the mall to just sit and talk and watch the circus of people go by or we go to a night club and enjoy some entertainment. I force mysefl to go out because I know It's healthy for me to try and accept my new normal.

You know not to make any important decisions the first ear as we are still emotionally vulnerable and aren't thinking straight yet.

It sounds like you would benefit from some Grief group therapy counseling. WE just can't give up and wait for God to take us. He wants us to live our lives and to be content. I believe Roy would want that for you too.

All of my husband's realtives and friends stopped calling me too.
It sure makes me feel that they were phonies with their feelings. My christmas card list went down to very small.

Please take care and consider the grief counseling. God bless you and help you to reach the acceptance and peaceful side of grief.

Dec 03, 2012
the tide of grief
by: Zoe

I did not have Christmas the first year I lost John (he was taken in March of 2010) I did not breath the first year, and most of the second, I guess into the third I started to move, to "live" as it were. The woman you were before Roy is gone, just as the woman I was before John is gone. I will never be her again. I guess I am fortunate in that I worked so I had that rhythm to go to, the getting up and moving. Do not think people have left you, you are widow, you remind people that we have no control no say in what happens, there is no plan that we can make stick. They don't know what do to with us, because we do not know what to do with ourselves. You will find, slowly, that this new person comes out, she will live and work and walk through life. I will NEVER be over the loss of John it has, forever, scarred me. But I do move,and live, I just don't look foward anymore. I look at today
one step, one breath, one day at a time

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