almost one year later...roy's death..my demise
by gloria h. mattocks
by the 27th of this month my dearest husband roy wade mattocks will have been gone for one whole torturous year. most mornings it seems like only yesterday...i still go to hospice meetings. not as often as before though. i was holding it together pretty well, i thought, until that 6th month..when everyone decided for me that i should "get on with my life"..his sister, barbara was the first to show her true colors. she didn't love me at all. she told roy on his death bed that she would look after me and love me forever..but she left almost immediately..gone like a puff of smoke..when set adrift, to cope on my on, is when everything went wrong. i couldn't cope. i didn't even want to. seems every decision i have made since then has been a wrong one. i am not equipped to live alone..to venture through life alone..to brave the elements without my soulmate with me. i sadly am not a loner...as i thought i could be..i miss my roy. my angel here on earth, sent by God to watch over me for 40 years of my life. i can feel his presence at times. watching me make my stupid mistakes and shaking his head in wonderment of me. i don't know what will become of me now. and frankly, i don't care. this world has lost all it's appeal for me. i go through the motions of living..no one would ever guess that i hurt so deeply or that my trust in humanity is shattered now. roy shielded me you see, from so many ugly things in this world. i stayed home and cooked and cleaned and raise our children in blessful ignorance..i am definately not ignorant now. just so lonely and so depressed. i don't expect this to ever go away. i had a good life with my roy..now, i have no life. i'm just biding my time..waiting to see him and waiting for God to decide that my sentence is up. everyone said it would get better..but it hasn't or me. how and when will i break? or will i just keep bending? who knows will i be able to get through this holiday without him? i doubt it. but, as always i will try. and no one will know the true depth of pain i am in. only God and my roy will know...