Almost one year

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Almost one year

by jules
(Boonah Qld. Aust)

This coming Saturday (20 Nov) marks 12 months since my darling left. On the outside I look like I am coping well - and I suppose I am, but I just want to cry - I think I am in denial, I don't want the day to come.

My daughter is going to stay with me on the Friday night, so she can be with me - I don't know what to feel or think or do - do I fall in a heap or do I just go on with my outside shell in place, I know no-one can tell me how to feel or what to do, I have just watched a show on telly where a young man has just lost his wife - I had to watch - but I was playing a computer game at the same time, I didn't want to get too engrossed in the show - but was obviously taking it in - because several times I just burst into tears - not the unstoppable sobbing ones, just bursts of them, I have been doing this all week.

I am so grateful this site is here - I feel as if I am burdening my friends if I talk about John, they have moved on - and to all intents and purposes, I probably look like I have as well, but I miss John every minute of every day, even when I am laughing or joking - it is just under the surface.

Thanks for listening.
jules

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Almost one year

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for everyone
by: Mari

Well here I am again. I really miss my sweetheart but am greatly comforted by the memorial service. I think I can make it but things will never be the same of course.

I feel that I have to motivate myself to get needed things done here in my home and also on the grounds here at the complex. It is really cold now. There are numerous church activities coming up.

My family left this morning to go back to Los Angeles. So here I am alone again.
I am thankful that I had my husband and that Pastor Horacio said he did ask for salvation. That was a great comfort.

My mother said to keep doing what I am doing but she thinks I am ''ridiculously busy'' for someone 66 yrs old. She should talk. She's 84 and still very active.

I feel change but not sure what those changes are. Does that make sense to anyone?

I do have this board to come to for comfort. That means a lot. And I have Jesus too.
All I can say is that I sure loved that man of mine.

At this time I am thinking about my husband saying,''I do love you, you know. You're beautiful, honey.'' Nice memories.
Take care everyone God bless you.

Almost one year
by: jules

Judy - my thoughts are with you at this time - I know what you are going through - it is a milestone I never wanted to reach.

Take care - keep in touch
jules

Good days, Bad days
by: Kimberly

So glad to know that your Thanksgiving was a good one, and that family surrounded you. It is a hard one, for certain.

I'm wishing you happiness and strength and courage as you head into the holidays. I know that I will need it as well. Mom's birthday is Tuesday, Dec. 1. I'm thinking about her constantly. I can only hope that she will be celebrating with other loved ones that passed before her. A happy reunion somewhere.

Kimberly

For everyone
by: Mari

I read all the posts and they all touched my heart. You are all my friends.
Yesterday we had a beautiful memorial service for my husband. My pastor said something I was not aware of, that my husband had come to him many times towards the last asking for prayer. He prayed for me but said he knew I could cope but he wanted to pray for his ''babies,'' our grandchildren.

As the pastor spoke I felt healing. Everyone listened in rapt attention as the pastor explained many things. He said,''To be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord.''
It made me feel that our separation is just temporary.

I know there will be rough times but I am definitely better.
I say, it has been some difficult year.
My love goes out to all of you. We will get through this together.

Almost a year
by: Jules

Okay - so the one year anniversary passed - my daughter and I spent the night before and the day together - my son rang early the next day - but now it is over - I feel I have reached another level - I know now that John won't ever walk in the door again "hey, darls" - never again - I think the couple of days after were the worst, coming to the realisation that I am on my own - no one else can make my decisions - no one else to share my worries (some of which I can't share with my daughter) - no one to come up behind me and give me a hug - just because.

But, I will go on - I will live a good life, I will love my friends and family, I will make new friends and have fun -

I thank all the beautiful people on this site, who have helped me so much, some people I know have commented on how well I am coping, and I put a lot of the credit for this on being able to talk to you guys on this site - as I have said before it is a lifesaver - we all know we can log on at any time and have a friend to talk to.

Thank you - you know who you are. I will continue to use this site for a long time, because I have made some great friends.
luv julesxx

One year today
by: Mari

I was reading the posts and it looks the anniversary of our loved ones going with the Lord are making it real hard on us. There are the holidays too. I wondered if I was regressing or something but now I suppose it is natural under the circumstances.

My heart goes out to everyone who has posted here.I have come to care for all of you very much.

Today when I woke up it was with sorrow in my heart. And looking at my husband's picture made cry. My 12 yr old grandaughter and I went to buy flowers for the grave. We will have the service tomorrow when my daughter, Angelina gets here from LA with my grandchildren.

I was completely overwhelmed at the grave site. I just missed my husband so much. A gentleman who was standing over 2 graves which happened to be his mother and his brother came over to me. He offered words of comfort and a kindness I will never forget. I told him I was truly sorry for his losses. He said my husband was safe and I would see him again.

Just think, a stranger who had suffered 2 losses cared enough to offer words of comfort. I too offered words of comfort to him and felt gratitude for his kindness. My grandaughter told me when we left, ''Just think Grandma .That man is so nice and he lost 2 people he loved.''

God has a way of bringing people to comfort us.
Anyway yesterday was a Jericho walkathon and it was very nice. We were invited to a different church for chili verde, rice and beans and tortillas as our church had no service last night. That was wonderful.

I feel better because my daughters and I are getting caught up in who is preparing what for the thanksgiving meal. My son-in-law is doing the turkey. The enthusiasm is catchy. My husband's son called and said that his sisters are all sending me cards and will be calling. I gained another family when my husband passed away,

Well, What more can I say? ''Thank you Lord for giving me my husband and our years together. And thank you for my children, my church family and and the love I have received. And thank you for the walkathons and food giveaways and other opportunities to serve you.''

It is with tears that I pray this prayer as I sure miss that man. The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.''

a year tomorrow
by: Mari

Hi Everyone. I want you to know that I care and understand how you must be feeling.
Tomorrow is exactly one year since my sweetheart left to be with the Lord.

I am afraid I have been a grouch and difficult to be around. I am depressed and feel awful too.
It was so bad yesterday that my daughter took me to a nearby city to a church there and I passed out food to the needy. It made feel better. Today is a Jericho walkathon between church services. I need to stay busy. That is what helps me.

God bless all of you. It is hard but we will find a way to get through. I know my sweetheart is safe with the Lord and out of pain. Take care. Mari

You never know when it will hit you
by: Kimberly

Dear Jules,

You just can't know when it will hit you. Getting the mail, making the bed, sitting in a doctor's office. When something good happens I want to pick up the phone and call my mom and share it. Or call and amuse her when something crazy or funny happens in my day. I really miss that. Those seemingly simple conversations.

We just go with the flow. If it rains down tears, so be it, right? How can we have someone so deeply in our lives one minute, and not the next?

It's only been a few months since my Mom passed away (Aug. 27, 2010). Her birthday is coming up on December 1. Not to mention the holidays.
It will be our first Christmas without her. She was Santa Claus. She was a thoughtful gift-giver, terrible Christmas caroler (no sense of tune at all), and a lover of twinkling Christmas lights.
Every Christmas tree I see will remind me of her.
And, I know, there will be lots of tears.

If others are uncomfortable with that, I'm sorry, but that's how it is. We all cope in our own way.
There is no right or wrong.

It seems as if you have many in your life who love and care about you. Let them fill your heart. But don't feel you should give up your grief. It is yours to own and to cherish. I pray someday you will be able to put it away in a safe place most days. But when you need it, when the tears must come, let them.

With hugs and sympathies,
Kimberly

This Weekend
by: HH

Jules, 11/20/10

Knowing that this weekend is the dreaded anniversary. I hope that you make it through o.k. My year mark will be here in a few weeks and I do not know what it will bring.

Take Care....

Hope

Thinking of you
by: Jen

Jules,

Just a quick note to let you know that i am thinking of you lots as you face this weekend.

Just get thro as best you can and in whatever way you can. You will have the support of your daughter and lots of us will be with you too in our thoughts even tho we are so so far away.

Take care Jules,
Jen x

Thank YOU!
by: Hope

Judy,

Thank You SOOOOOOOO much for explaining how you have been thinking or not thinking. Being moody,anxious, irate, impatient, forgetful (big time!) unable to concentrate on the simplest of tasks flitting from this to that. I thought I was losing it.
Thanks...I am not alone
HH

Alone together
by: Zoe

All of us on this trainwreck called grief seem to need different things. We are common in our pain, and the understanding of loss, of being less the person than you were the day before he died.

I believe that it is human nature to want to fix things, to try to help or make things better. This can't be fixed, so people, friends, move away, they don't know how to make it better, and being around us reminds them of the fragile balance they have in their own lives.

I cannot imagine the anniversary, I am not the one to address hope for the future. But, what I do know is that this site, this place we have, is the place where people do understand, they understand our pain of how fragmented we are.
so on this most fateful of days, when you feel alone, know we are with you in spirit, together we understand.

write and let us know how you are
Zoe

almost a year
by: Jules

I am sitting here tonight feeling so alone - bereft I think is the word - so alone - I don't really know what I expect - I suppose in a way I am lucky in that I have my daughter and her husband and her four beautiful boys around me - but at night, I sit here on my own - it is the worst time, they can't be with me all the time.

As for my long time friends - I don't know if they will be in touch, if they even remember that this is the first anniversary for me - they have their own lives, I am 1500 kilometres away - so I am not in their minds as I perhaps would be if I was down there - but that's life I suppose. I have a few good friends up here, who are very supportive, so I will be grateful for this.

I thank you all on this site - without it I don't know where I would be - I love to go online and see there is a posting from someone - it is a great comfort to know that I am not alone - only physical.

Tomorrow I am working 9 - 4 , and selling raffle tickets at the bowling club that night, so I will be busy and not have time to dwell.

Thanks again for being there.
jules

I TOTALLY RELATE
by: JUDY

Jules,

I am coming up upon the same anniversary on 11/28/10 and I understand completely how you are feeling. I feel like I am freaking out lately and I'm not even sure my "shell" is intact around others. I am very moody, sad, absent minded, easily upset and overreactive when something upsets me. I had a flat tire last night and by the time AAA appeared a scant 20 minutes later, I was bawling my head off! This really big man got out of the tow truck and said just what I needed to hear, "don't worry little lady I'm going to take care of everything".

Please somebody take care of everything because I can't seem to do it! I guess we must hang on and be brave. I told Barry I would be okay when I let him go but it is hard lately. This site has been more helpful than I ever imagined it would be and I really feel when I come here i am coming into the company of friends. Here is a hug from Florida, Jules. We can do this.

Its tough.....
by: Jen

Jules,

This new journey is unexpected and unwanted.
You seem to be doing well but i take on board that under the surface we may be feeling so many different emotions and even confusion.

Its hard to believe im sure that a year has past and so so much as happened. We have achieved so much this far and should be very very proud of ourselves, but when grief hits us it can hit hard and we find ourselves lost.

This site is a huge part of my coping and we meet really great people.

Keep going as you are. I'm nearing two years now and have just gone thro a really rough couple of weeks. But we will get to a place of more contentment someday hopefully.

I wish you well Jules and will be thinking of you as you reach this first anniversary.

Keep in touch.

Jen

After a year...
by:

Jules,

I thought that if we could get past the first Thanksgiving, Christmas, Anniversary, New Year, Birthdays (His was much harder than Mine) and the various gatherings where he was absent that it would get better, some how just a little easier...

For the most part it had, there are more good days than bad, yet I am still muddled. Cannot think straight, Cross, Anxious, Impatient, and Moody.

Today at work a woman told me that she had a craving and had her husband go out to get it for her. Not that Paul would do it but, I guess somewhere in the back of my mind....I really started to Miss Him! and I mean REALLY MISS HIM.

I started to cry and could not stop. This was sometime after the comment was made that I thought little about, so I do not know where that overwhelming feeling came from.

And reading up on "being a widow" I hear the 2nd year can be harder. Harder adjusting? Dunno but I have had enough of this ride and I want to get off, Its making me ill all the twist and turns ups and downs of grief.

I wish I could be more help
HH

almost one year
by: JG

Jules, I pray you can come to terms... but it will have to be on your terms. Hang in there, it's normal to still be grieving. I have a friend whose husband died over 30 years ago and she still has her moments even tho she has moved on in all respects and lives with a guy. It's hard on us who have had recent loss. Mine left me 2 months ago and I feel so much hurt like it will never end. It would be nice if it were 3 years down the road to see how we'll be doing then.

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Almost one year

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Almost one year