Almost Three Months

by Debby
(Watertown, CT USA)

Well, here I am....it'll be 3 months on April 9th since my husband Freddy passed away suddenly from a fall in our house. I didn't think I would still be sitting here able to write about it again. I have had such terrible bouts crying that I couldn't breathe. I have begun crying at 2 of my doctor appointments. One of them would not let me leave until I talked to someone. They put me in an empty exam room to wait until the woman was free. I sat there alone for close to half an hour. It was one of the worst times for me. The Social Worker who I talked to did not help at all. Her specialty is in counseling people with cancer. I actually don't even think about myself at all now. I feel like if it returned, I wouldn't even care. I just want to go see my husband. I fall asleep every night listening to the meditations I downloaded from this site. They are a great help to me. I literally fall asleep with the ear buds in and wake up listening still and have to take them out so I can roll over. I don't think I can sleep without those tapes. I wish there were more to download. Maybe Jennie can do another set. Valentine's Day was very difficult as was St. Patrick's Day. My husband was half Irish. I dug out one of the first St. Patrick's Day cards he gave me. It said on the front, "From The Wee Bit of Irish In Me". I thought that was so cute. The card has to be at least 25 years old, seeing it again made me cry. May 16th would have been our 34th wedding anniversary. I'm already dreading it. I still can't believe he won't be home in a little while. God bless all...........!

Comments for Almost Three Months

Click here to add your own comments

Jul 09, 2014
Hi Doreen
by: Debby

Hey, there you are! I was hoping to hear from you. Well, I said my final goodbyes to the truck this afternoon. More tears of course, but I feel better now. Went straight to Motor Vehicle to cancel the registration too. The truck was a huge stepping stone, as you know, so in a way, I am happy to put "something" behind me. As always, I love your comments, always comforting and insightful....so thank you once again for responding so quickly. You must be a great friend to live near to. Feel like moving to the USA? I wish you peace and happiness Doreen.
love,
debby

Jul 09, 2014
6 Months
by: Doreen UK

Debby I know this is one of the most difficult things you will have to do by getting rid of the truck. Men are passionate about their cars. I gave Steve's car to his sister's daughter. I couldn't bear to see his car in the garage or outside the house. It hurt too much. But every now and then I engage a memory of this BMW and how I used to ride in it.
It isn't silly to kiss his car. I think it is a lovely gesture of affection. It is the sentiments behind the kiss that is important. Still a sad day. I don't have many of Steve's things left to remember except the HOUSE. I decided to stay here and I will use Steve's log cabin he had built. No use clinging to possessions that can bless someone else. We can't take anything with us when we die. So I guess what you are doing is wise. You are tidying up all affairs. But it is still very sad. My burdens are lighter since I have de-cluttered the house and garage. Some things we have to do whether we like it or not. I guess there comes a time when we know when to act. I will be thinking of you tomorrow. Good to hear from you again. Keep in touch. Best wishes.
Doreen

Jul 08, 2014
6 Months
by: Debby

Another milestone tomorrow......6 months since I lost my husband and best friend. Also, tomorrow I will be selling his truck. Like all men, he loved his truck. I love his truck. The tears just don't stop. Cleaning it out was agony. It was so sad to come home and see it in the garage, but tomorrow when I get home, it will empty. I don't which will be worse. I loathe ridding the house of his worldly possessions. Everything I move of his, feels as if I'm giving him up. I want to keep everything, but that is just not realistic. The truck is a tough though. It's SO personal! But I suppose it all must be done sooner or later. Is it silly to tell everybody that I kissed it goodbye? The inside of it still has his scent. My husband loved his cologne....he was just a great smelling guy. What can I say, I miss him so.

May 06, 2014
Thank You Doreen
by: Debby

Dear Doreen,
I knew I could count on you for some advice and words of encouragement! Your heartfelt comment has brought tears to my eyes....I will definitely heed your advice and try to think of it as laying him to rest where he will be forever safe and in God's hands. I originally wanted to have his urn placed in my casket when it is my time. Then I read where the Catholic church, having recognized that many people were opting for cremation, still have guide lines for the service and burial of cremains. After reading that, I knew what I had to do. My husband would want no less, thus me arriving at the conclusion to bury the ashes next week. I had a Catholic Mass so this is the last step. Our priest will come and bless the urn and the gravesite. As hard as it will be, I know I'll feel better after the ritual is completed properly. He also wanted some of the ashes put on top of his mother's grave, but after a lot of consideration, I just don't have the heart to separate the ashes. I will be selfish in this instance, and keep him with me and our son. I will have his name engraved where his parents and brother are buried. It is in the same cemetery, just a short ways away. Once again, as always, THANK YOU for responding. It's been a while, but I always follow what you say to others here. You missed your calling if you are not a grief counselor. I'd be coming to see you a couple times a week!
God bless,
Debby

May 06, 2014
Feeling anticipation at losing him twice
by: Doreen UK

Debby you are fortunate you were able to discuss with your husband about funeral arrangements whether burial or cremation. Steve and I never were able to discuss this aspect of death. Bad enough having to live with the 3yrs.39days cancer journey. In hospice when reality hit, Steve made a quick decision. He wanted to be cremated and a Christian Service. Steve's family gave me a hard time. It was against their custom to be cremated. My husband made out his Will for me to have the final decision. After much debate and with the support of my family. I gave Steve an honourable burial in a concreted chamber where I will be buried with him. Only because there were no more grave plots. Steve has a lovely stone/granite grave and inscription. A beautiful WAKE when all his work colleagues were there to celebrate his life. Knowing Steve well, he would not be angry with me for burying him against his wishes. I chose to HONOUR his family by burying him. They were distraught at the thought of cremation as it was against their religious beliefs.
I changed my FOCUS and this is how I was able to make the best decision quickly without any guilt. I know 15th May will be hard for you. Try and build yourself up before the day comes to bury your husband's ashes. Think of it as, you are laying him to rest in a safe place where you can still go and honour him. He will still be as close to you in Spirit. Perhaps stronger in feeling because he will have a secure safe resting place. You won't be losing him twice. He will be resting as if he was in a grave. SAFE. SECURE. A very private place for you to go. The day may not be as bad as you anticipate. When you have laid him to rest do something SPECIAL for yourself to lift your spirits from the task in hand. Mentally visualise him as being close to you and always will be. I will be thinking of you on the 15th. Don't feel so alone. Knowing others are thinking of you.

May 05, 2014
The Burial
by: Debby

Next week on the 15th I will bury my husband's ashes. It will be one day before what would have been our 34th wedding anniversary. I am dreading the day, I just don't think I can get any sadder than I am, and something happens that devastates me all over again. I wish now he just wanted a traditional burial. This is like opening up an old wound. We talked about our wishes quite often, he said he wanted to be cremated, and at the time, I thought it would be fine with me. But from my stand point, it is much worse. I have had the urn in my house since January, and now letting go of it feels like losing him TWICE! He wrote his wishes down. And in them he stated that he didn't want me to go thru the agony of all the preparation. But, I did all that anyway because he was waked. The only part missing was the ride to the cemetery. I think of burying him and it's just like it all happened yesterday. I'm not blaming him, believe me, we talked about all this. But I am really struggling with it. I planted flowers already at our family plot. I just want to get past next week! What an anniversary this is going to be!

Apr 19, 2014
1 step forward...2 steps back!!!
by: Freda

Debbie....just when you think you have it under control....the flood gates open and the pain is just as fresh as day one.
I believe he's in Heaven and happy....and that makes me feel good. Praying for everyone hurting in the world!!
Freda...


Apr 18, 2014
Trying to heal
by: Debby

Hi Freda,
I can certainly relate with the paperwork issues. It keeps your mind busy for weeks, but then it all stops and it feels like the world has ended. But it has, for those with such heavy hearts. I pray every night to the heavens for our departed loved ones and for those of us left behind to find our path. I guess we must keep a stiff upper lip and move thru each day with grace and hope that someday we will be reunited.
With love and support,
Debby

Apr 15, 2014
Only three weeks.....gone!!
by: Freda

Debbie....it went fast for sure but it seems worse right now...I was busy getting all the paper work done.....and it's done and realization has hit....he's never coming home again!! The pain is so enormous!! I try so hard to make it through one day without crying.....can't do it!!
So glad I can write to someone who understands...

Apr 14, 2014
There are no words
by: Debby

Dear Freda,
Don't you wonder how you made it thru those first terrible days and weeks? The loss is devastating, but when it is so quick, it just takes your breath away. My husband fell in the house and was gone 4 days later. I pray every night for him and for all those grieving to find some solace.
Debby

Apr 11, 2014
Only three weeks.......gone
by: Freda

We were on our first winter being snow birds in AZ. The first month Jan, was awesome...making new friends, sight seeing, eating out every night! Then about the second week in Feb. he begin not to feel very good...several trips to the ER finally revealed Cancer everywhere. We have three children our youngest two flew out while he flew home to be admitted to a cancer hospital. Myself and my two children had to drive the Motor home ....home! Our oldest was with him until we got there....12 days later he was gone. I tell ya family matters....couldn't make it without them....they stay with me at all times!! And thanks to all of you!

Apr 11, 2014
Shock of a lifetime
by: Debby

Dear Freda,
I am truly sorry for your great loss. Our men are irreplaceable and will forever be our best loves. I don't know why they are gone, but I suppose somehow thru the grace of God we must carry on. I have a 32 year old son whom I must be strong for and my own mother is still with me. We have responsibilities to take care of. I try to tell myself that my husband would proud of me if he could see how I've delved into the tons of paperwork required to get things in order. One step at a time and take it SLOW. That is what I've been hearing over and over again. It doesn't sound like much, but it does help if you can think of it when you feel overwhelmed. Bless you and take care. My prayers are coming your way.
Debby

Apr 11, 2014
Only 3 weeks ..... gone!!
by: Anonymous

Freda I am sorry for your loss of your beloved husband of 48yrs. to cancer.
You will feel this struggle for some time. You are in the initial stages of Raw Grief. You will find it hard to go on. The best way forward for all of us is ONE DAY AT A TIME.
I lost my husband of 44yrs. to a deadly cancer almost 2yrs. ago and not a day goes by when I don't still feel sorrow. I found it hard today to cope with my loss. Our wedding anniversary was on 24th March and I found this day difficult without him here. My husband missed out on his retirement and now I do this alone. He was 65yrs. of age. and died 16 days before his 66th birthday. He got his cancer from working with Asbestos. He had no chance from the day he cut asbestos in his 20's and inhaled the fibres. Then is was terminal from that day till the tumour becomes full blown in 40-60yrs.
One day we sat in the car in the traffic and we were so interested in the people who walked on the street and wondered what their story was. I said something like. "Just imagine Steve there are so many people walking around with cancer and they don't know it." Little did I know my husband had one of the worst incurable rare cancer's. I nursed him for 3yrs.39days and he died. Our hearts will be broken forever. I am really still struggling every day with loneliness despite keeping as busy as I can. Every weekend is bad for me. Steve died on a Saturday and I still can't cope with Saturday's. Perhaps you will write back and share whatever you wish so you can receive the support you need. May God give you His comfort and Peace.

Apr 10, 2014
Only 3 weeks...gone!!
by: Freda

Debbie....I know how your feeling I lost my best friend, love of my life, husband of 48 years March 22....not even a month ago!! I'm not sure I know how to go on!! It all happened too fast ...found out he had cancer and he was gone 3 weeks later!

Apr 09, 2014
Awful Day
by: Debby

Well, I wrote awhile back that on April 9th, it would be 3 months since my husband passed away. Today is April 9th, and today I attended a funeral for a friend. Our friend Bob died suddenly this past Sunday of a heart attack, he was only 53. It is the first funeral I have ever attended alone. I cried for Bob and I cried for my husband. I prayed for Bob's "love" Michele who is beyond consolation. Her and I are now forever bonded in our grief over our great loss. The world lost 2 good men, happy guys with a lot more living to do! Life is very sad.

Apr 02, 2014
Spring Time
by: Debby

Today was tough. It is a beautiful day, sunny and almost 60 degrees. Spring was our favorite time of year. We would be married 34 years on May l6th. My husband loved uncovering the deck furniture and opening his Weber grill, boy he loved his grill. So now I must do these (what used to be) happy things........alone. On the spur of the moment, I went out on the deck and quickly uncovered the table. I don't know where he stored the tarps or the rope. I guess it's up to me now. All you can do is go with it and cry. I couldn't bring myself to uncover the grill. My heart just couldn't take it.

Mar 28, 2014
Wonderful Advice
by: Debby

Dear Doreen,
I loved your advice on doing something nice for yourself. I have let myself go and feel ugly. I haven't gotten my hair cut in months. I feel like there's no point. But on your advice, I am going to make an appointment for a (much needed) hair cut. I lost weight and none of my clothes fit properly now. All my pants are baggy. I'll even try shopping. I have been going to work everyday with black pants on and throw on a sweater. Not attractive, but I don't care. My husband loved when I dressed up, he always complimented my appearance. There's nobody here to see it now. But I suppose I should do something about that. Thanks for the wake-up call, I needed that. How nice of you to take the time to put all your thoughts into writing. You just never know when something you write, just might save someone's life! Thank God for this site and for friends like you! You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Mar 28, 2014
Almost Three Months
by: Doreen UK

Debby it is important to honour the way you feel and don't worry about crying in the wrong place. Grief doesn't come to order. I cried on the bus, the supermarket, walking down the street, in the bank, shower. Crying is good grief. There will come a right time when you will be able to go out for dinner. Memories are triggered off all the time. Start be doing something lovely for yourself each day. Build on this every day, as if you were pampering yourself. You will soon start to feel better and each day you will feel stronger and this will be the start of the foundation to healing from your grief. It is a way of NURTURING yourself back into life from loss. It now becomes a way of life for me. I still have sorrowful days but they are becoming less. I see a mental glimpse of my husband all the time. I can't get his image out of my mind and it makes me feel sad. Enjoy your times with your son and savour each memory as a meditation. Too often we miss the good times because we take them for granted. They come and go so fast. I now see them as Blessings in my life. Best wishes.

Mar 27, 2014
Thank you
by: Debby

Dear Doreen, thank you for your kind words. What a life altering event. The loss just shatters your world like nothing I've ever experienced. Some people are great to talk to while others just keep saying things I don't want to hear. I find it hard to go out to dinner. Even with my mother last week, I cried in the restaurant and then I look terrible, red, watery eyes and a runny nose. Who can eat like that, so I'd rather just stay home. My only enjoyment right now is going to lunch with my son. He is and always has been such a joy to his father and me. I would have completely fallen apart if it weren't for the fact that when he was around or even on the phone, I would pretend I was doing fine so that I wouldn't upset him. I just read what I have written here, and it sounds so convoluted. Please excuse me, all I really wanted to do was thank you and wish you well! Your response means a lot to me!

Mar 27, 2014
Deepest Sympathy
by: Lawrence

Dear Debby,
I cried reading your contribution; I know the utter feeling of overwhelming agony knowing the person you loved more than life itself has gone, you think the crying will never end, but I must tell you that fifteen months after losing a very precious wife,( we were together for nearly seventy years in a blissful marriage) , it does, not completely because anything can trigger them off, seeing a couple kissing or a special song you both loved, but crying is the best thing you can do in these early days cry and cry because your body needs a way of expressing your intense grief and it is nature’s way.
There are no words of consolation to give; I only wish there were except to repeat the mantra which I say over and over in my times of misery “THIS TOO WILL PASS” and needless to say it does, the wedding anniversaries and birthdays, mother’s day and holidays. all will pass.
My wife died on Christmas Day 2012, the turkey was cooking in the oven and the family all together and she just died, in the blink of an eye, no warning, she just passed from this life into the next, I’m still trying to recover from the shock, yet, here I am offering you sympathy and solace to show that the pain will ease, but never really go away..
You have joined a web site of people also suffering from the loss of a beloved partner so read all our stories and I hope it will help; it certainly did me when all I wanted to do was die and join my beloved wife.
With deepest sympathy
Lawrence

Mar 27, 2014
Almost Three Months
by: Doreen UK

Debby I am sorry for your loss of your husband. It has only been 3 months and much too early to feel any different. I lost my husband of 44yrs. 22months 3weeks ago from terminal cancer and I could not function for the first 6 months. I sat on that couch and let TV bathe my sorrow. I then woke up one day and was able to take one job a day and then two. The was the beginning of my way back from my sorrow and loss. It makes one feel they will be locked into this world of sorrow forever. But when life changes it feels good. You will still have grief days of crying off and on but they won't be so close together. Your world will change. You will be up and down for a long time. But just knowing this won't last forever does help. Best way forward is TAKING ONE DAY AT A TIME. This is how I coped. Just like you I go to sleep with listening to Christian Radio where I always feel comforted and there is always some comforting words said. WE each have to find a way to cope with our struggles through grief. What works for one will be the opposite for other's as we go through our own grief journey with our different histories. BUT the PAIN OF GRIEF is the same for all of us. UNBEARABLE. It is described here by many as wading through a fog and not knowing which way to go. Let your emotions of crying guide you. Each time you cry you will feel stronger and cleansed as the tears wash the sorrow from your soul. You will recover from grief one day and be in a stronger place coping with life again. But it will not ever be the same again, without your beloved husband. HOW CAN IT BE? But we don't have a choice to continue living. So we may as well put new things in our life to make our days better.

Click here to add your own comments

Return to Lost Spouse/ True Love.

[?]Subscribe To This Site
  • XML RSS
  • follow us in feedly
  • Add to My Yahoo!
  • Add to My MSN
  • Subscribe with Bloglines

RSS Feed Widget
->


 POPULAR
  RESOURCES


Tap into the compassion, support and wisdom of the

GRIEF CLUB


Essential Healing Guide

Grief Relief
Program

Free Griefwork
E-Course

Free Stress
Management
E-Course



SBI Video Tour!