Almost two yeasr without my brother
I really thought I was doing better, that I was healing…but guess what, I’m not.
It’s been almost two years without my only and beloved brother, he was only 26. I had an existential "crisis" on new year's eve, nothing I've experienced before, it was like my brain finally accepted that my brother was never going to be here again an a deep sadness took over me.
I was terrified, suddenly I look at mom and dad and realized that they are getting old and some day they will leave this world too, then I saw myself alone and it hit me like a train, it was like my mind realized completely of the inherent impermanence of everything and everyone in this world, I was devastated. A universal truth that has been always there and that we all try to avoid suddenly was revealed to my conscious mind.
A million thoughts crossed my mind at once and at full speed, I was listening but I couldn't hear, my eyes were open but I couldn't see, I was in autopilot, it was a weird sensation, I felt exhausted, tired, it was impossible to focus....I just wanted to sleep. I was scared; never in my life had I experienced something like that, such a feeling of emptiness, the void.
Since that day I'm afraid of thinking and that's why I try to keep myself busy in work as much as I can, trying to be like everyone else on the street, like normal people who only think about silly and redundant things, I envy them, no questions about life, death, or meaning of life are done, everything is simple.
My dear brother Ruben not a day goes by without thinking of you, I hope you are proud of me, I hope that someday I can think of you without feeling sad, I really do, I want to heal. Prayers go up to all the people who are suffering the loss of a beloved one.