Almost two yeasr without my brother

by Diego

I really thought I was doing better, that I was healing…but guess what, I’m not.

It’s been almost two years without my only and beloved brother, he was only 26. I had an existential "crisis" on new year's eve, nothing I've experienced before, it was like my brain finally accepted that my brother was never going to be here again an a deep sadness took over me.

I was terrified, suddenly I look at mom and dad and realized that they are getting old and some day they will leave this world too, then I saw myself alone and it hit me like a train, it was like my mind realized completely of the inherent impermanence of everything and everyone in this world, I was devastated. A universal truth that has been always there and that we all try to avoid suddenly was revealed to my conscious mind.

A million thoughts crossed my mind at once and at full speed, I was listening but I couldn't hear, my eyes were open but I couldn't see, I was in autopilot, it was a weird sensation, I felt exhausted, tired, it was impossible to focus....I just wanted to sleep. I was scared; never in my life had I experienced something like that, such a feeling of emptiness, the void.

Since that day I'm afraid of thinking and that's why I try to keep myself busy in work as much as I can, trying to be like everyone else on the street, like normal people who only think about silly and redundant things, I envy them, no questions about life, death, or meaning of life are done, everything is simple.

My dear brother Ruben not a day goes by without thinking of you, I hope you are proud of me, I hope that someday I can think of you without feeling sad, I really do, I want to heal. Prayers go up to all the people who are suffering the loss of a beloved one.

Comments for Almost two yeasr without my brother

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Feb 08, 2014
Almost two years without my brother
by: Doreen UK

Diego. HI! It is so good to hear from you again. I have missed you on this site. Your contributions have been appreciated and valued. Just like me it is coming up to 2yrs. and I feel the same way you feel. NOT HEALED. Remember Healing is such a slow process. Our lives have become fragmented by loss and it will take a long time for us to be put back together again. Having been in counselling to resolve 40yrs. of pain. I know what the Healing experience feels like. Can't be put into words except to say it feels WONDERFUL to feel whole and not in pain. That is emotional healing. I do feel Hopeful for all of us on this journey of recovery from grief that we will HEAL. This should be our FOCUS. Not the time it takes to heal. But whilst we are on this journey. To be patient and be in touch with the HEALER. (God).
Diego Your existential "Crisis" you call it from your explanation feels to me more like a "Revelation". You became aware of your mortality. Your parents mortality. An experience you have never felt before. Your awareness of the simplicity of life for the people on the street and how you wanted this. You say you felt scared, and very tired. This sound like the experience of people who have had a "Vision" and they can't explain it. They also felt very tired. Be open to GOD. He may be calling you. Seek the face of God. He may just have a mission for you. The Spirit of God meets many people where they are. Don't fear your experience but see this as a "BLESSING." You may have been given a Spirit of discernment (which is a spirit of deep understanding) You may be destined for great things and be used by God to Bless other's. Keep an open mind and let God direct your steps. How is your nephew? Your brother's son who you are bringing up? I am Blessed by your post and it is good to hear from you again. I wish you well in life and God's richest Blessing on your life and the lives of your family. God is going to Heal you and all of us on our grief journey. Be Blessed and please keep in touch on this site.

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