Alone after fifty-five

by Karen

I went through menopause and found out I had a thyroid problem and my husband decided I had changed and he needed to find someone else. He said I had changed but I was just growing older, my children were grown with children of their own and I am now alone because my husband started using drugs ? Oxycodone - along with all the other prescribed drugs he takes and he works for the State of Maryland. And his friends sympathize with him that I am the problem, he is an abused individual. You know, if I wouldn't have carried him coffee in bed every day, laid out his clothes, packed his lunch and worried I was going to say the wrong thing to him I would not be where I am today. He had a nervous breakdown in 2001 after 9-11 and sat home drinking and smoking for six months. During that time my job did not pay the bills and we went bankrupt. I even had to work nights and weekends to make up for a mistake in taxes he made twice ? he didn't get overtime and my lowly position did! My husband ? soon to be ex ? bought a truck using credit in July 2010, in fact he could not have bought the $38,000 V-8 truck with his income. Funny when we separated he left me with a much higher car payment and he didn't look back. Then after getting the truck he signed up for and skype. He planned the move to leave me. He left me the day before Thanksgiving, taking the truck and living his life to the fullest ? including sleeping with two prostitutes, drinking himself stupid and buying and using street drugs, admitting to smoking pot with the wife of the friend he was living with.
My soon to be ex is a self-defined victim ? this is the story his whole life. Poor guy, always someone pushing him around but he would not make a decision. When I made the decisions he says I am dominating him. His "friends" are helping him with his decisions now, dance puppet dance, he really is doing well, living in an RV with another male friend, that he and I bought when he came back to me in February when I had a car accident. Asked if I forgave him, we were going to marriage counseling ? then I found out when he moved home he is a drug addict ? I found the drugs ? and he had been corresponding with prostitutes on Craigslist and had gone to the block in Baltimore and paid $415 to sleep with a prostitute. We were not back together for three months before I found all the clues he left for me ? the receipt for the prostitute in the shredding bin, emails to the prostitute he slept with still on the gmail account that he left on the desktop of the home computer in the middle of the living room describing how he ravished her body and paid her $200 for basically sex ? yes, I am a fool. He was using me to leave the house ,he ran off to because his friends wife's sister wanted him to move into a home with her ? and pay all the bills, because he had been taking her out and spending a lot of money on her. He is still married remember, he doesn't care. Adultery is only a fine.
This is not the man I married. My real husband was sweet, loving, caring and I did not know there was a problem until the day he left. Now we are again headed for financial ruin. I cannot afford the house payment, even with a tenant, and a lawyer, because I am trying to maintain my regular bills and a home with my sister ? all of this set up by my soon to be ex but it turns out this is a blessing. I go to church regularly, but I am really lonely, I was so used to being with my real husband, this stranger that came back into my life was still partying in strip clubs, gambling and doing drugs ? so our jointly owned home is going for either short sale or foreclosure. He thinks now he is a "good" guy, states he doesn't know what I am talking about. He looks in the mirror and tells himself that he is a "good person" all the time. . .
I told him God knows and he threw that back in my face and laughed at me. I was a faithful loving wife, maybe preoccupied with the mid-life changes but not intentionally. I wish I would have known there was a problem I would have tried to do something to make this problem stop, Someone someday is going to see what he is and he will have to deal with his problems but for now he is riding on cloud nine. I will make it through this but after fourteen years of marriage and being with him seventeen years this is hard. I had to give up two of my rescue dogs last year and this month had to give up the last two. I am so sad. Please let me know how some of you made it through this.

Comments for Alone after fifty-five

Click here to add your own comments

Jun 01, 2012
Your husbands a loser and low life
by: Anonymous

You are a strong woman who can take a fall and get up again and be your own person you do not need this man putting you down and disgracing you.

You will get over this and eventually realize you do not need him.

You need to get through each day. one at a time, and eventually it will get easier and you will start to feel better about your self. Its a long healing process, its grieving, but at the end of the day you be able to look back and feel a stronger person, the feelings will change.

Don't give up.

Oct 17, 2011
Your story sounds like mine
by: Anonymous

Hi Karen,
I read your story and it sounds just like mine, right down to the thyroid, menopause thing. Details are just a wee different but the drug thing is very much the same.
I totally understand how you feel, because I feel exactly like you do.
He too got on a dating site. Wait until his new gf realizes how broke he is and how irresponsible he is. She will figure it out.

Sep 13, 2011
by: Anonymous

I hear your words. I can feel a little bit of your pain. Continue to go to church continue to get help. My mother left my dad for some 22 year old jock and he attempted to molest me. I however over powered him. I in fact almost killed him when i found out he was trying to hurt my siblings. My mom did not care however. She was so into this young piece of meat. She put him before us and her husband. It is so important for people to see one another from the inside out rather than from the outside in. It is so important for us all to take heed in the love that is ever surrounding us unconditionally. Your husband was and is sick, confused, and lost... don't let him overpower your beauty and strength be a warrior you are no fool.

Sep 12, 2011
Alone is more alone with him...Go find your life

My first husband was an asshole. Yeah it is that simple. He was a control freak and has a particular talent for twisting things around to suit his defense. Oh yeah he would have made a good defense attorney. But he was a lousy husband. Who knows if he had treated me better I still might be with him. Thankfully I am not. I did meet a good man not long after I had divorced him in my mind. Well the divorce may have actually been close to final.

But at some point I did decide that I deserved better. Much better.
Yes it did hurt the pain of the death of a marriage as I called it.
But even being a widow. Wow I said the word without cursing or getting angry but that is what I am. A widow.

It is only at this point that I know that I was so very lucky to have loved him and have him love me Back.

Drugs have made him a different person. Do you know how a junkie changes? How they can not be trusted farther than you can throw them? Having come damn close to losing my son mentally but thankfully not physically due to Meth.

Drugs change you and NOT for the better. You can wish for what was but it will never be. You are far richer broke as a church mouse without him than with him. He will only bring you down and unable to live the life that you were meant for.

Sep 12, 2011
So Sorry
by: Anonymous

My heart is breaking for you. At least you can find the words to say how you are feeling. Just keep pushing through it. Put one foot in front of the other, if you stop, then you will crumble. I dont mean super human strength, I mean just do anything that you possibly can to move ahead. Thats where life goes, forward, the looking back when something has ended turns you to stone. My heart also breaks for your husbands, whose life is being destroyed by drugs. It is his choice in the long run, a terrible one that leaves all involved in the wake of ruin. My 26 year old son died from drug abuse last year. I know loneliness, he was my only child and I raised him without his father around. Bottom line is, there is hope to get beyond this. It is not by avoiding the pain, but by pushing through it. It is good you go to church. You sound like a great person, dont ever feel bad that you did good in your marriage, it is always the right thing to do the right thing. Wishing you love, peace and strength.

Click here to add your own comments

Return to Lost Relationship.

[?]Subscribe To This Site
  • follow us in feedly
  • Add to My Yahoo!
  • Add to My MSN
  • Subscribe with Bloglines

RSS Feed Widget


Tap into the compassion, support and wisdom of the


Essential Healing Guide

Grief Relief

Free Griefwork

Free Stress

SBI Video Tour!